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What do we need to put in place to live separate lives under the same roof?

(19 Posts)
Kitttty Mon 10-Feb-14 08:28:51

Our marriage is over. I need to hang back for a least the next few months as my son completes his GCSEs. How do we sort our living arrangments to make this work? What are the potential flash points to be aware of?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 10-Feb-14 08:43:29

Sorry it's over. I'd suggest that the best course of action is to start making formal plans for divorce, living apart, sorting finances, access and so forth because the summer isn't all that far away and it takes time to put everything in place. In the meantime, are things civil enough that you can talk to your STBXH about how to manage things at home? Or have things broken down completely and you can't talk to each other?

1muddymummy Mon 10-Feb-14 08:48:11

I'd be very careful about doing this. BIL lived like this with his parents and has huge issues as a result.

Kitttty Mon 10-Feb-14 08:50:46

Things are civil. 1muddy - I have no option for the next few months - I think asking my husband to leave now will be a disaster for my son.

as long as you have both agreed it's over and you have a date it was over on you and neither of you change your mind then that's it. Theoretically you should be leading separate lives (not cooking/eating/laundry together) but in my divorce we just carried on as normal although in separate rooms then when we did the divorce paperwork put the date we'd agreed on it. As we both agreed that was the date of separation that was fine, nobody was in the slightest bit interested.

melb14 Mon 10-Feb-14 09:30:18

I tried this; my ex is a fab guy and hugely reasonable - and we planned to sit tight for few years, and maybe start to date in due course. He then met someone within just a few months of us deciding, started a relationship and unfortunately deployed the " I will cope with this by checking out completely and pretending nothing has changed" technique. Didn't really work for me ( I fell off an emotional cliff - too soon, MUCH too soon for me after 18 years and two children!) and I found the rules changing that radically (from doing the separation as mates, to him developing a relationship and just stopping all communication between us, whilst living in the same house) too difficult. So do do this carefully, if you're going to. Completely hear your desire to keep things calm for your son. Maybe agree to not even consider dating until after the summer - and ideally then plan for a time for him to move out, so you can all look ahead to clear skies. Good luck!

Dahlen Mon 10-Feb-14 11:25:33

Is your DS aware of what's going on?

rainbowfeet Mon 10-Feb-14 11:31:20

I lived like this with Exh for around 6 months.. It was not pleasant but manageable as he worked shifts. We slept separately although still ate together, did shopping together etc.. Was like we were before only no affection or pressure.. Was lonely & sad though. Dc's very young so never noticed any difference at all

JeanSeberg Mon 10-Feb-14 11:32:36

What's the plan post-GCSE? Will you be moving out or your husband? As CES says, it could take several weeks to sort out new accommodation so I'd start the process now.

In the meantime, can you each go away for weekends independently to stay with friends/family?

Kitttty Mon 10-Feb-14 20:31:28

There is no plan in place post GCSE. Husband does not want this to happen at all - he is in denial that there are any issues. It is 100% my decision. We have been to relate in the past. I am going back alone as I need support to get through this. We have 4 children - we separated for a few weeks before xmas - he was supposed to have left for a month - but he was back in the home here every evening with some excuse and then just stayed. So children are aware " we had a problem" - we don't row so they they think all is fine atm. I don't want my son to be burdened withi this now.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 10-Feb-14 20:42:24

If your DS is 16 he'll know something's up, even if you're not arguing any more. Separate rooms?

dementedma Mon 10-Feb-14 20:44:38

We live like this all the time sad

walkingthedogs Tue 11-Feb-14 10:43:48

I am moving back in to mine and xp's house in 2 weeks, I only left because of needed building works on the house, didn't realise at the time he was having an affair and he is still with her now. Its going to be hell for me as he has given her a key to 'come and go as she pleases', but then I know another couple who live together but separate, both have new partners but are totally respectful of each other and so it works, good luck

Dahlen Tue 11-Feb-14 11:26:56

I don't want to make you feel worse than you already do, but I really don't think this will work in the way that you want. Sorry. flowers

Some separating couples manage to live together while maintaining separate lives, but they are very much notable for being a tiny minority, and in all cases it is because separation is wanted mutually and with no hard feelings.

Your H is in denial. It is highly likely that once he considers your separation to be a real event that he can no longer pretend is not happening, his 'amicable' demeanour (which at the moment simply means non hostile) will change. At best he is likely to be sad, wandering round with an aura of kicked puppy about him, which will make you feel terribly guilty and your children terrified of upsetting him further. At worst, he may become horribly belligerent or even downright nasty.

Living separately may not be an option for you because of finances or whatever, but I would urge you in strong terms to tell your DC what is going on. While it comes from the best of intentions, you really cannot hide this from you. They will suss something is going on (and what they come up with in their imagination may be worse than your separation). That could be more damaging than knowing what is going to happen.

Far better to face this as a family so that everyone can adjust at the right pace IMO.

Good luck.

Kitttty Tue 11-Feb-14 15:41:44

Dahlen - I think you are right - because it is not mutual it will be doomed. He will def do the kicked puppy thing with the kids and mop up the sympathy an I will feel feel guilty, responsible, frustrated and exposed - and I will probably just exacerbate what I am trying to avoid with the children - me looking like the banshee from hell kicking their poor vulnerable gentle mild mannered Dad out of his home. Need a re think...

wyrdyBird Tue 11-Feb-14 16:14:48

Your children might surprise you. This is from your earlier thread, (which you linked to in your last one)

Unexpectedly my son has been really good with me the last couple of days - I expected him to run off with his Dad and hate me forever.

I hope it is not bad form to mention it, but from your last thread it was clear your H is cold and unsupportive, even content to watch while your son physically abuses you - not vulnerable or mild-mannered.

I think you would be quite vulnerable yourself if you tried to live under the same roof during separation, sadly.

kentishgirl Tue 11-Feb-14 16:56:33

I did live with an ex for nearly a year after we split up - but we had a house where we could have separate areas (we really only shared the kitchen), schedules that meant we were rarely in the house at the same time, and no kids there to complicate things. And that was tough enough.

I can't see this working if you are trying to pretend to the kids that you are still together - and in your husband's mind you ARE still together. But I can also see why you don't want the upset of a separation right at the GCSEs. What a difficult situation for you.

Could you officially separate (separate bedrooms etc) but still live in same house and tell kids? Might be easier on them than the physical separation that will come shortly, and you won't have to keep lying to them that you are a couple still.

DCRbye Tue 11-Feb-14 20:11:27

Children surprise us when we least expect it Op. I believe 100% that if you are okay, they will be too.

SolidGoldBrass Tue 11-Feb-14 20:17:13

It's going to go horribly wrong, because the man you are quite rightly dumping is going to make sure it goes horribly wrong. He's going to manipulate your DC against you, whine, moan, fail to do his share of domestic work and quite possibly escalate to some sort of aggression.

Get legal advice, talk to SHelter, CAB, WA etc. You've already tried to throw him out and had him refuse to go, so you need to stop expecting him to behave reasonably and go the legal route without consulting him or expecting his co-operation.

If he wasn't such a prick you wouldn't be dumping him, so don't feel guilty.

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