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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Please help.

(290 Posts)
Loveyouthree Mon 10-Feb-14 07:03:56

I'm no saint, but I've put up with a lot from DP the past 4 years. In fact I'm now having counselling - not because of things he's done; I had issues before that - but all I talk about is him, and how I need to sort myself out for him.

I have hideously low self esteem and acute anxiety, I'm a shadow of my teenage self (not that long ago!). He was seriously immature when we met, but I made excuses for him over and over. He has changed loads now - the things he used to do are in the past. They still affect me deeply though, and he knows this, hence the counselling. Then this weekend we fell out, I went out in the car for an hour to get some space, and when I got back he went out. And didn't come home until the next day. With no contact.

I just can't forgive this, he did it purely to hurt me. The other times he's done shit like that he was stupid and thoughtless and got carried away with friends, but this time he clearly did it to punish me. I spent the night crying and self harming.

Oh and he's violent sometimes. That is my fault though, I can be very annoying and don't shut up and recently have started it first, i.e. I grabbed his back the other day. He has strangled me, thrown me across the room when heavily pregnant, slapped me in the face, grabbed my head and pushed me down, cut the bottom of my ear with my own earring by doing that, I think he punched me once but it was pitch black and he said it was a slap and his hand slipped. Fucking hurt though and I bled. Forced me into sex a lot but I think that's kind of ok because I never want it anymore iyswim?

He's lied and taken drugs behind my back a few items. Even when I was heavily pregnant. Drugs as in class a if anyone cares.

The crazy bit? I can live with the violence, I can cope with that. My own mother was a violent bitch so I've no hope really. It's rejection I can't take. So even though I need to leave him, I just don't know how I'll do it.

I mAnaged to leave my previous abusive boyfriend, but we lived in separate towns, had separate houses, didnt have children and I shamefully met someone else who distracted me from it all. Now I have none of those things on my side, we're all but married (wedding booked for this year!).

I'm meant to be ringing all the right people today eg womens aid, shelter. But, knowing me, it'll come to nothing. He'll come back from work on Friday night and I'll be too much of a wimp to do anything. And anyway I don't think womens aid will help because he's not actually abusive. He's not controlling or jealous in the slightest. He'd never put me down or try to stop me going somewhere (not that he has do, I rarely do!). But he doesn't fit in that category.

But I can't forgive him for the other night. Thanks for reading sad

FanFuckingTastic Sun 23-Feb-14 23:31:24

I've not been around, half term coupled with illness. Are you doing okay? Where are things at now? Has everything been okay? Are you able to get alone time on the internet to read this thread and do the Freedom Course? I'm worried about you being so quiet.

FanFuckingTastic Mon 17-Feb-14 19:35:53

Hello LoveYouThree, I am so sorry I didn't make it on today, I've had no access to internet. Will you like to start tomorrow?

LilyBlossom14 Mon 17-Feb-14 19:34:57

so please do start the Freedom Programme. It is all very well living in hope he won't behave in that way again, but in my experience you will spend your life either treading on eggshells, or subconsciously testing him to see how far he will go until he snaps. In my experience you will spend all your time living in fear waiting for him to get angry again - and that is no way for you to live at all is it. You shouldn't be grateful for his good behaviour, that should be a given.

Also, can you really forgive, and forget, what happened in the past?

Loveyouthree Mon 17-Feb-14 19:31:26

Yea, I was copying his text word for word (well, I missed a few words out cos it was getting a bit long but it was all of the same theme). Oh you're absolutely right - I'm a very cynical person at heart and said to him over the weekend "actions speak louder than words".

IF he really wants to change, good for him. But you really need to be on your guard against any more violence or bullying;- don't allow 6 months of peace to outweigh 1 single second of aggression or violence.

This! I really, really need to live by this.

captainmummy Mon 17-Feb-14 19:11:25

Wow OP - did he really say that? Part of me says 'words are cheap, his actions will tell you the real story' and the other part is quite impressed. IF he really wants to change, good for him. But you really need to be on your guard against any more violence or bullying;- don't allow 6 months of peace to outweigh 1 single second of aggression or violence.

He seems to know he's on a warning - please make it count.

Please continue with the freedom program; it's very valuable and insightful. Please don't get complacent.

Loveyouthree Mon 17-Feb-14 18:14:13

Yeh at some point... Is it like counselling?

LilyBlossom14 Mon 17-Feb-14 16:16:06

Will you still do the Freedom Programme OP?

Loveyouthree Mon 17-Feb-14 15:18:39

Thanks captain mummy. Yeh we both had beer (him) and wine (me) when I got back from the meal on Saturday night. Then I did my usual trick of going straight to bed when the wine bottle was finished blush while he stayed on the sofa.

He has seemed upset intermittently. I genuinely thought it was because he was frozen on the sofa each night (no duvet to spare; heating off to save costs etc). But when I asked him this morning (text; he was travelling) he said

"I'm not pissed off about that, I'm only pissed off about my own actions that have led to this... I'm glad it's happened though (not the pain, suffering and violence I have put you through) because its a massive wake up call... It's killing me knowing what a cunt I've been, how lazy I have been and how much more I need to do for the kids rather than just be an angry voice... I will never go back to being that prick... I'm a new person and can't wait to show you and the kids... I never want to lose any of you..."

And thank you, I really hope I can put my mind to it, instead of being so knackered in the evenings!!

captainmummy Mon 17-Feb-14 15:03:47

That sounds good, OP. i hope it lasts. Did he drink at all over the weekend?
I hope you can now give the freedom program a go, it's vvery enlightening.

Logg1e Mon 17-Feb-14 09:08:11

I think it's a good idea that you keep stopping and reflecting as you have just there. It's a shame you have to, but I think it's a good idea.

Loveyouthree Mon 17-Feb-14 08:25:26

Well, he's gone back to work for a few days (working away) so thought I'd reflect a little on here...

The weekend was fine, I like being busy so had lots planned. He does help in the house anyway but he did more than I'd have asked, he didn't raise his voice/lose his temper or anything, he is really upset by the situation but is at least telling how he feels. It seems my insecurity is transferring onto him which isn't nice but I can't do anything about that.

We did some stuff with the kids, and he took me out for a meal when a family member offered to babysit.

I haven't even kissed him, even though he has wanted to of course. Oh and I told him that the more he used to pester me for sex, the less I wanted it and I saw a lightbulb go off in his head hmm. Hopefully that will change things because he's always trying to "please" me in that department.

So things have been alright. Hopefully it will last...

MatildaWhispers Sun 16-Feb-14 01:45:13

Hi OP, I have just read through your thread and I feel so sad for you and hope that you can get out soon.

Whilst it's great that you are going to do the freedom programme online, you might find that if you contacted women's aid again you may be able to speak face to face with someone from a WA branch local to you. You might find it really helpful to see the reactions that someone in rl would have to listening to you explaining how you have been living. It's not quite the same online as in rl - to actually see someone's shocked/concerned reaction might help you to realise how wrong it all is.

You have clearly adapted to thinking that how you are living is relatively 'normal', but it is not. I have been in a similar position to you, and I know how confusing it can be when, for example, forced to have sex one minute and the next they are doing something seemingly nice like making you a cup of tea. I know that leaving is a process, but please do not leave it too long. Some of your posts suggest that you do not think that you have been damaged in any way by what you have been through - i.e. you say that you didn't really see strangulation as dangerous. But the very fact that you have somehow shut down your ability to see how dangerous it is shows how very, deeply affected you have been. You need to get out because the longer you stay in a relationship like this, where you are somehow teaching yourself to absorb all this abuse and trauma and convincing yourself that you are not that affected by it (because, after all, he is not cheating on you is he hmm), the harder it will be for you to heal. Good luck.

FanFuckingTastic Sat 15-Feb-14 22:22:36

Course we can. We'll do it one step at a time.

Loveyouthree Sat 15-Feb-14 21:36:19

Aahhhh, I'm nervous! Hope we can do this x

FanFuckingTastic Sat 15-Feb-14 21:14:32

Okay, it's a date. I'll be here on Monday too and we can read together. I'll be travelling to pick up the kids some of the day, but hopefully we can get a little time together.

Loveyouthree Sat 15-Feb-14 21:13:04

Erm I think only a couple of days. Yeh he bought us some drinks, so we're just chilling at home having them. He won't go out tomorrow night as it's a school night ...

Logg1e Sat 15-Feb-14 21:08:23

How long is he away for? Is he drinking tonight? Guessing he won't drink tomorrow..?

Loveyouthree Sat 15-Feb-14 21:02:35

I haven't started it yet. He's going back to London for work on Monday... Technically I could do it that evening. X

FanFuckingTastic Sat 15-Feb-14 20:45:38

How far into it are you? I'll catch you up and we can read it together.

Loveyouthree Sat 15-Feb-14 20:37:52

Fan - a pp put the link on earlier; that's the one I followed x

Loveyouthree Sat 15-Feb-14 20:34:57

Hey, not yet, this weekend is gorgeously full!

So far so good - and thanks for checking up on me. He's been all I could ask and more really. Oh and he's sleeping on the sofa.

I went out for tea and I've just got back, it was nice to get out and gossip.

FanFuckingTastic Sat 15-Feb-14 14:44:11

If you have a link LoveYouThree, I'd love to read about it myself.

I hope you are looking forwards to your night out tonight. Be safe and have a great time.

captainmummy Sat 15-Feb-14 13:22:39

Hw's it going OP? did you look at the freedom program?

Loveyouthree Fri 14-Feb-14 19:25:49

Ok, that sounds fair.

I will try to do that, Fan.

FanFuckingTastic Fri 14-Feb-14 17:35:57

I'd like to hear your thoughts too. I'm not starting until May, so I'm interested in what you learn.

Why don't we start a rule of not excusing his behaviour? You must feel defensive about things, and want to explain it, but why don't we stop looking at his behaviour and why he does it in your opinion, and look at how you feel about his behaviour.

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