There is no affection, there is no interest in what I do, where I go, whether I'm happy or sad or miserable. Went out last night for a friends' birthday - he hasn't asked anything about it all!!
In the early years I was a cow to live due to my untreated depression and how angry I was at the world. That caused him to withdraw from me emotionally to an extent (can't blame him for that, completely understandable).
However in the last couple of years he has completely withdrawn from me - there is no "us" anymore. We have nothing in common, there is no "us" so I sort of think what is the point. I've been through the emotions of utter dispair (didn't have a clue what was going on), through anger, through hoping there was a possibility to rebuild something better, perhaps now I realise this is very very very unlikely to happen.
I don't want my dc to model their future relationships on us.
I think I need to learn to be happy being on my own and accepting myself. I'm not sure I can do that by staying married and living in the same house.
I'm a bit confused by your post too. What is his difficulty and in what way are you over-invested in solving his problems to your own detriment? If you are able to be more specific and put it in everyday language it would be easier to help.
Then the answer to your question about moving on from co-dependency is to fully embrace independence and all it entails. You may be alone that way but you will not be rejected and lonely. If your relationship has deteriorated but is still civil then you can probably navigate the co-parenting challenge fairly well. Anything worth having is rarely simple or easy but at least if you have an objective in mind... and being happy on your own and happy in your own skin is a good objective .... then you can plan to make the most of it.
I've stopped trying to solve his problems. He is depressed and anxious about things, doesn't trust other people, doesn't have any friends, doesn't bother with his family etc. etc. I've realised that he was happy to take nurturing from me but no longer would give me any back. Not sure how to say that, I would show concern, take an interest in him, ask about his day, ask him what was up, give affection etc etc.
It was detrimental to me because he rejected me by shutting me out - I "knew" he was very unhappy about something but he denied, denied, denied for over a year. It totally and utterly devestated me, I became a wreck, had time off work, cried daily for 18 months am still on a high dose of anti depressants.
It was as though I am a nobody and a nothing in my own right. I have felt so worthless and unlovable because not even dh cares about me.
I'm sorry you don't like the way I write but I don't know how to explain it without it being a novel of the last 13 years we have been together...
I just feel awful for leaving him but he simply refuses to do anything about his depression or issues or whatever it is that means he'd rather live in his own little bubble with no-one else connected to him...
I think you'd find that, if you formally parted company with this man, you wouldn't have to seek help for yourself very much at all. Yes it would take some adjustment to living alone and sharing parenting of your DCs but, once you'd managed the transition and found your new groove, you'd wonder why you put up with such self-absorbed rubbish from him for so long.
Just because he doesn't show you any affection, it doesn't make you unloveable
Waiting until you believe before you act could be a really long wait. Sometimes you have to have the courage of your convictions and ignore the wobbles. When you're out of this stressful environment and feeling calmer, you will believe.
I have some experience of this and it is about focussing your thoughts and actions on YOU and not trying to be overhelpful to others, among many other things. I read 'Women who love too much' by Robin Norwood and Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. There may be more up to date/ relevant books available. I also had counselling and when I started rambling on about and trying to analyse the latest bloke, my counsellor would bring the conversation back to me and my issues. My issue was with men and the 'baduns I chose and the way I let men treat me (any relationship was better than none, back then). I would try to 'fix' them and make them what I wanted them to be and of course none of this worked. I also had little self worth so was a doormat. I did loads of writing and self-analysis around my issues and had to learn 'healthier ways of relating to men'. I knew I was better when I met a nice, normal bloke and wanted to be with him. Hope this helps.
It wasn't a case of not liking how you write, just of not understanding the problem. I think you were just trying to be concise. Now you have told us more it sounds really important that you are self-focussed for a while. Whether you leave immediately or not it is important to build yourself up and do things just for you, both indulging yourself and setting personal goals. The books that have been recommended are very good.