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Am I being a brat?

(16 Posts)
Sepianamechange Sun 09-Feb-14 14:15:56

I am 32 weeks pregnant with DC2, DPs DC1. I'm unsure if I'm being a demanding brat or not due to previous issues with XP.

My DP is a lovely, caring, hardworking, easy going guy who is incapable of talking about his feelings. DC2 was planned, and if I ask him, he tells me that he is happy and excited, but otherwise, hasn't really discussed it. I know that he feels a bit sad that I've done it all before, but he won't talk about it, just clams up, so I can't reassure him.

If I talk to him about his emotional walls, he says it is just the way he is, and he can't change. He says that if he tries to think about his feeling, his mind goes blank... His whole family are lovely, but emotionally closed off, and he thinks this is normal.

I'm feeling emotionally unsupported at the moment, and a bit wobbly about baby coming, but don't feel like I can lean on him. Whenever I am upset or teary he just says that he doesn't know what to do when I'm like that. I've started to try to put up walls myself to protect my emotions a bit, but then I start to feel resentful, and he feels pushed away...

Am I expecting too much? Do I just need to accept that that's how he is and meet my emotional needs through friends/family?

AuntieStella Sun 09-Feb-14 14:21:31

How a man behaves during pg is not necessarily related at all to how he will be as a father.

He doesn't sound unwilling to help you, and says he's a bit clueless. Believe him. Tell him what is likely to help you, and see if he makes the effort.

Do not let unspoken resentment build up walls between you and what is really happening in your life. You need to work on improving communication, not finding explanations for why it is not good at present.

wontletmesignin Sun 09-Feb-14 14:26:46

No i dont think you are being a brat. You are just wanting a little bit of emotional support, which is perfectly fine.

Maybe, as pp suggested - tell him what he could do that would help you.
Maybe that is just for him to just listen to you, while you tell him your worries and concerns about pregnancy.

Or is this about you wishing he could open up to you more?
In which case, him just listening to you share your emotions, may help him open up to his.

Sepianamechange Sun 09-Feb-14 14:31:16

Stella, you've nailed it with communication. He is, by nature, quite introverted. I am not, and have never had a relationship with anyone so insular.

Yes I suppose I wish he would open up a bit more. I sometimes feel like I have no idea what's going on in his head...

Logg1e Sun 09-Feb-14 14:46:02

OP, I'm feeling emotionally unsupported at the moment, and a bit wobbly about baby coming, but don't feel like I can lean on him. Whenever I am upset or teary he just says that he doesn't know what to do when I'm like that.

Why don't you tell him? Tell him you want leaving alone, or a quiet cuddle, or a cup of tea and a chat?

Sepianamechange Sun 09-Feb-14 14:51:18

I suppose I feel like this is just stuff he should know (writing that, am aware that it's ridiculous). Do I have an skewed view of how "normal" relationships function? Have previously had EA/DV relationship, and never really know how other types of relationships function...

tumbletumble Sun 09-Feb-14 14:51:20

Communication is so important in a relationship that it's worth sorting this out now before the baby arrives. Would you consider going on a marriage course together? I realise you're not married but it sounds like you would find it useful.

tumbletumble Sun 09-Feb-14 14:52:23

Yes I think you do have a skewed view of normal relationships if you expect him to be a mind reader!

Sepianamechange Sun 09-Feb-14 14:53:10

I would, and have had counselling etc before, but he would find the whole thing excruciating...

Logg1e Sun 09-Feb-14 14:56:02

OP, I suppose I feel like this is just stuff he should know

I used to too. I just presumed he'd know what to do if he loved me. I can see how I was raised to be hyper aware of my mother's moods and to adjust my behaviour accordingly. I'd finely honed my response to fit in perfectly. This isn't normal. I had to be told that in a normal relationship nobody expects somebody else to be a mind reader.

You talk. You say, "this is what I need right now".

Sepianamechange Sun 09-Feb-14 14:58:30

Logge, my DM had/has issues with depression/anxiety, and my dad was a volatile, aggressive drunk. I think you might be onto something there, as we were brought up walking on eggshells incase we set either of them off on a bad day...

tumbletumble Sun 09-Feb-14 15:20:18

My DH and I went on a marriage course a few years ago. I thought my DH would hate it, as he's not great at talking about his feelings either, but the difference compared to counselling is that all the conversations take place between just the two of you, with no third party present. It's just a 'space' to work things through. I would really recommend.

Sepianamechange Sun 09-Feb-14 15:27:47

Tumble, that sounds more like it may be a possibility... Who ran the one you took? All the ones I've seen have been church based, which may not suit us...

tumbletumble Sun 09-Feb-14 21:03:33

[ This]] is the one we did. It does have a religious element to it I'm afraid, but it's not a big part of the course. The couple running the course mention their faith every now and then but don't shove it down your throats iykwim.

Good luck OP.

tumbletumble Sun 09-Feb-14 21:04:00

Link fail!

Try again

Sepianamechange Sun 09-Feb-14 21:53:51

Thank you tumble. Will look into it now smile

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