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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Need advice on what to say in today's inevitable 'talk'

36 replies

EndOfRopesville · 09/02/2014 08:26

Argh, I'm at the end of my rope with my dp. It's not one huge thing is just his general lack of consideration and effort with everything, me and the kids.

I'm a SAHM he's got a stressful job he hates, so every night without fail he comes in in a foul mood and rants for at least half hour, is moody with the kids, and doesn't ever play with them. He never asks how my day was, even when I tell him I've had a rough day he either ignores me completely or just says 'yeah' then carries on.

Getting him to do ANYTHING with us at the weekend is like pulling teeth, he's normally glued to his phone or out.

He's never affectionate anymore, unless he wants sex, he used to be,I think he's fallen out of love with me :( I've put on quite a bit of weight since I had our dd 2 years ago, and my confidence has never been so low.

So today I'm going to sit him down and tackle all of this, maybe even suggest a trial separation,I love him but can't live like this anymore.

Any advice on how to word all this would be really appreciated,I feel so sad and alone.

OP posts:

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pictish · 09/02/2014 08:28

I think what you've said here is pretty comprehensive, don't you?
Just repeat it to him.

Handywoman · 09/02/2014 08:32

Say what you said here - go for it

maparole · 09/02/2014 08:32

Good for you for refusing to accept this any longer.

Give it to him straight. Remember, though, you have to be genuinely prepared to leave him if he doesn't listen; empty threats will just lead to him ramping up his nastiness.

Good luck

Lweji · 09/02/2014 08:33

Yes, it looks like you know exactly what to say and what you want and why.

Have you prepared for his possible replies?

Where does he go, BTW, if he's always on the phone or out?

EndOfRopesville · 09/02/2014 08:36

Thanks for the replies. I am dreading it tbh. Scared he may agree to a trial separation, we have just moved here and its very isolated, it would be a nightmare without him,I just want things to change so badly.

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NorksAreMessy · 09/02/2014 08:39

Please make sure the DC aren't around when you are having this conversation :(

EndOfRopesville · 09/02/2014 08:40

He goes round his friends or to see his folks. Just wish he'd take the kids sometimes, give me a break dd is going through a really challenging phase and I'm with her 24/7.

Sorry this is turning into a random rant!

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Ragwort · 09/02/2014 08:40

I'm afraid I learned a long time ago that people rarely change their behaviour, the only the thing that can change is how you deal with the situation, so that might well mean a trial separation.

mammadiggingdeep · 09/02/2014 08:40

Good for you. It sounds awful. If he does want to separate for a trial do not go back on it, ask him to reconsider etc. he might need to really feel what he has to lose before he stops raking you for granted. If he doesn't want to be there and he doesn't step up after today's chat...as hard as it is, let him go.

Good luck xx

EndOfRopesville · 09/02/2014 08:40

Yes Norks I will :(

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mammadiggingdeep · 09/02/2014 08:42

Don't apologise for ranting- this is the place! We'll listen.

Get your assertive pants on today- dont start apologising to him for ranting whatever you do! Be clear, focused and stick to your guns.

scaevola · 09/02/2014 08:43

Is it anything to do with his job?

Because if it is, that can be changed. But if it isn't, then he's got into bad habits and you have to decide if he will change or it will be a dealbreaker for you. If it is, he needs to know what you think (and that you mean it).

It sounds as if communication between the two of you is non-existent. Do any vestiges remain on any subjects?

mammadiggingdeep · 09/02/2014 08:43

Have you had this chat before, does he know how you feel?

ImATotJeSuisUneTot · 09/02/2014 08:43

You say it'd be a nightmare without him - surely it's just a different nightmare to the one you're living now?

EndOfRopesville · 09/02/2014 08:48

I know his job is getting him down, but I think it's more than that. The kids seem to really do his head in! I can understand after a long day with them, but he always seems impatient with them even after he's only seen them for half hour! This gets my back up.

You're right about the communication though, think half of that is that at the time I don't want to argue in front of the kids, so just simmer, then by the time they're in bed I just want to get my cores done and chill out. I really should have tackled this earlier.

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RubySparks · 09/02/2014 08:49

Maybe he needs some support with his job? If he hates it and its very stressful that is probably spilling over into all the other parts of his life. Maybe swap roles for a while, you work and he stays home?

EndOfRopesville · 09/02/2014 08:51

Ruby I'd love that (he wouldn't) but he earns waaaay more than I could. I've been looking at part time jobs, just to try and get out of the house and be myself again, but he gets home at such varying times it's proving difficult.

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ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 09/02/2014 08:55

Even if you hate your job it doesn't excuse being a twat. He is treating his family like shit as there are no consequences and he wants too.

RubySparks · 09/02/2014 08:58

Agree he shouldn't take it out on others but it does look like like job stress is major problem here. If that could be worked on then the rest may improve.

Lweji · 09/02/2014 09:18

What will happen with a trial separation? How will you decide if things have improved enough for you to take him back?

Personally, I'd go for counselling and would set out expected behaviour, as well as regular reviews of how things are going.
Meanwhile, limit your dependency on him and stop doing things for him.

And do go for separation if things don't improve. In fact, you could set things out to separate in a month and then decide if you go through with it or not.

If he's having problems with his work, then he should find a way of addressing them, not taking it out on his family.

mammadiggingdeep · 09/02/2014 09:20

I think you looking for part time work is a good idea.
A) gives you a but if your own life back away from the home
B) makes you financially less dependent- very important in a situation like this, will make you feel less trapped...

EndOfRopesville · 09/02/2014 09:25

Yes his job is making him miserable. I get that I really do, but I can't change it. He's looking into other jobs, do that could improve things.

His I just need to know if he wants to be in this family still, really in it, not just living here.

I know a big part of me feels dependant too, and that's not a good thing. Before dc I lived in my home town, my own flat, job, very independent lifestyle. A lot has changed!

I don't want to throw the towel in,I love him, but I don't know if he'd ever admit he doesn't feel the same anymore, he would not want to move out.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/02/2014 09:58

It's clear that the outcome you want is a happier relationship, not the end of the relationship. Would suggest you pick your moment and then lay it out as follows....

(Objective) ... Our family could work better as a unit and our relationship could be much happier but there are problems in the way of achieving that.
(State the task)... we need to work together to find solutions
(Outline the consequences of inaction) ... if we can't fix the problems, the family simply won't survive
(Share the responsibility) ... I have some ideas. What do you think we should do to resolve the problems?

Delivered as I always put it 'more in sorrow than in anger'. It's the last part that is particularly important. You can't fix a relationship single-handed and you need him to not only engage but initiate change. The consequences are also very important and, even though it's not your preferred outcome, you have to have them up there if you're going to be taken seriously and you have to be prepared to follow through.

Be prepared to get answers you don't want to hear. Good luck

mammadiggingdeep · 09/02/2014 10:03

Good post from cog. Defo set out how it's going to be achieved and how you're going to work TOGETHER!!!

EndOfRopesville · 09/02/2014 10:04

That's really helpful Cogito thanks. He's just gone out, so think I will actually write down how I'm going to say it.

I'm ready to try and sort this out, if it can be, if not, I'm ready for that too.

Thank you all for your help, I'll post later when we've had this chat

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