Coping with contact, rescuing DCs future, regaining me.

[duracellmummy]

I know this must have been posted on lots before. Please bear with me. I need a rant and some hands to hold.

mumsnet showed me who he was 3 years ago and I LTB go me!

Emotionally, verbally and financially abusive husband (not yet ex as being obstructive) finally left home 2.5 years ago. Continued abuse to me and the 4 DC for a few months then no contact with children except phone calls for 2 years. Since September 2013 we are going through the courts as he wants contact. Gradual reintroduction process and lots of reports from Cafcass etc plus 3 hearings (directions and and fact finding)he is moving to unsupervised daytimes tomorrow. Next day in court will be sometime around Easter.

Children are primary school age, years 1 to 6. Eldest 2 were severely traumatised by his abuse of them including self harming and have had extensive intervention to deal with this. Now we are mostly ok with some behavioural and relationship problems with my son that he has some insight into and copes with mostly.

I have made my peace with the contact he has at present, he has not changed and still is obviously the same person but with reasonable gaps between seeing him (every other Saturday) they seem to have time to process what they see and hear. He doesn't drink or do drugs and can keep a lid on his temper whilst he knows people are watching him. I know the court are likely to grant his wish to have them every other weekend and holidays... and can see a lot of harm coming from this, but I have fought for my children, supported them, got agencies involved and documented his behaviour. I have nothing left that I can do. The fact finding found that I was predominantly telling the truth and that he and his toxic parents were not but when the reports are written his accounts seem to be given the same or greater weight than mine. He is not above manipulating the children and planting phrases for them to use with Cafcass and has done this. He rewards those who stick up for him and the "invisible children" from when we were together crave his love and praise to an extreme level.

Having fought so hard to keep a roof, food, our lives and to repair and restore my lovely children I cannot bear the though that the judge accused me of being obstructive with contact (I never have been, he failed to show for 4/7 supervised contacts..judge did not allow me to evidence what i said. His argument was what father would spend 1000s of ponds going thru' court for access and then not turn up?) and that he expects to grant "what every case of this sort ends up with in the end" at our next hearing.

I am totally alone. Lost my professional career to enable his (yes I know). Self employed now and can;t go back to profession as would need 6 months of unpaid supervision to get back in.

I just want my children to be ok, i want me to be ok.

Can you give me some pointers about how to cope and prepare for what is coming??

He still pushes any boundary to the absolute limit. He still declares that he will "get me back" by which I think he means our marriage but i can't be sure

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'm not sure I can give you any pointers but just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're experiencing such a tough time and that he's treating your poor kids as gaming chips in some sick personal vendetta.

I suppose all you can do is make sure your children know they can talk to you, keep alert for evidence of his poor behaviour and take professional advice. And then there's exercising discretion. If his aim is purely to win rather than to be a father in any meaningful sense, it's always possible that, if you appear to stop fighting quite so hard and he believes he has scored a victory, he'll lose interest the way he did with the supervised contact

Best of luck

[duracellmummy]

Thanks cogito

It feels rubbish. I am glad I did not know how much drivel the "agencies" talk about supporting parents who protect their children from abusive bullies. If I had believed that they would be sent back into the situation where I as an adult couldn't cope and on their own, then maybe i would never have left.

What feels so bad is having to emotionally distance myself from it a little as I can't function otherwise.

perhaps he will get bored but he is 50 now, his career (much flaunted performing) is seriously hit by recession and new young blood coming. I fear we may be his new project.