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Can't seem to shake off this niggle...

(6 Posts)
ShakesBootyFlabWobbles Sat 08-Feb-14 13:44:05

Where to start...
19 year marriage, 2 children 8 and 5, on the face of it all happy and well.
Flashback 6 years ago, found out I was pregnant naturally with no 2 after several years TTC and giving up after hearing IVF only chance.
Within about 6 weeks, found out husband embarking on emotional affair with his assistant at work. Lots of secret and deleted texts, she had disclosed incredibly personal information about herself, he was wrapped up in her dramas. My spider senses went off one evening, I snooped and found what I expected.
At the same time, husband was depressed and ended up under GP for 6 months. Talked of suicide a few times.
We went to Relate during his depression. I pushed it and he went along with it for me. I can't say it was particularly good really, the message I seemed to take was to basically shut up about it and focus on the positive. I never felt at any time we got to the truth of what went on.
Having been on MN now for a few months, I can see I did pick me dance and hysterical bonding at the time. To be honest, I was pregnant and coping with a depressed husband and didn't want to split up my young family.
Things are 'fine' now, you'd never know the turmoil ever went on. But that's just it. We were 'fine' - or so I thought - before his ea or whatever it was, I never really got the whole truth. Although most of the time I am ok, I just have this niggle, that it could happen again at any time. I know I couldn't go through this again and my marriage would be over. Are there any other people that have gone through this and what is your advice or thoughts?
Many thanks.

EllaFitzgerald Sat 08-Feb-14 15:16:21

Nothing massively helpful I'm afraid. I had a partner rather than a husband, and no children, which obviously makes a difference, but for me, the trust simply didn't come back and it's not something I wanted to be in a relationship without.

How did he react when you found out? Did he answer all your questions at the time?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 08-Feb-14 17:06:38

Similar to the above, I found that once the emotional dust had settled I really didn't like the person any more. I didn't hate him exactly, but my 'niggle' was that I had definitely sold myself short. Couldn't trust him but... worse.... no longer cared. He left soon afterwards. Sorry I can't be more positive.

Joysmum Sat 08-Feb-14 17:29:49

I think in order to be more confident it won't happen again you have to be damn sure your husband understands and appreciate the hurt he caused you. You also need to have understood what prompted it to happen and change things so there is no strong prompt for it to happen again.

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles Sat 08-Feb-14 19:37:43

Thanks for these. Ella He was furious when he found I had snooped on him. He was threatening to leave (not to go to her) but I chose not to push him and said it was up to him what he did. He didn't go. I never felt like I had the truth about what went on between them (too many contradictions) and I thought Relate would help with that. They didn't, and it was me that ended the sessions, I just came away feeling furious myself most weeks. I suppose I felt that at some future point when his depression lifted, we could talk properly. But the longer it went on, it never seemed like the right time and once baby came, that took over.
I suppose due to the length of time now, I 'should' be over it all and it be water under the bridge. But I am not properly, it still pops into my head at least a couple of times a month. I am just not sure what to do about that. All seems fine, you'd never know there was something adrift but it is not truly the same for me. I sometimes read people saying their marriages got better but I don't feel that way. I have 'fine' but that didn't stop it before.

Guiltypleasures001 Sat 08-Feb-14 20:31:37

You won't get over it , there is no getting over anything lovey, people go through things and then move forward.

But, you can only do this when you can see the whole picture and make an informed judgement. If like a puzzle some of the pieces are missing and are never likely to be found, ie your partner telling you the complete truth that satisfies your gut instinct, your gonna have to make a judgement on what you do know.

Do you trust him
Do you love him
One doesn't really exist without the other to be a healthy relationship
Can you ignore what your gut is telling you
Are you going to change yourself to fit the new reality
Can you sustain this long term without it eventually effecting your mental and physical health thanks
Or do you accept that he isn't making you feel any of the above and the future might be without him

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