Letter to OW

[giggleshizz]

I know this subject has been covered before but would like to hear from anyone who has done it or thought about it. Very briefly (as I don't think it is massively relevent to the question). Exp left me when pregnant, moved in with OW two month later, two months after I gave birth (which he did not attend) they had a whirlwind engagement and exp didn't see dd for the first time until she was 4 months old. Now he sees her about every four months (no presents and little financial support) which, although is sad for dd, I am pleased as it means I have to deal with OW as little as possible.

Needless to say I was a mess throughout my pregnancy and in a fog the first year of DD's life (she is 15 months now). I am slowly, slowly rebuilding my life (I lost a lot including my home and job during this period) and am now even considering getting back in the dating game as I realise I need to move on from all this and focus on building up mine and DD's life.

However, there is something niggling me....and that is that I want OW to know what she did to me, I mean in my own words! I feel like this is almost the last bit of the puzzle in allowing me to move on. Of course in my fantasy I meet her IRL and call her a bitch, whore etc but in reality that is not my style. I was thinking something very detached, just asking her if she realises what it does to a pregnant woman to have her man go off with someone else? Wondering how she could stand by watching exp ignore the birth and so on. Not going to call names or slander. I guess just give her something to think about and really just end up by saying karma will get her in the end.

Anyone done this? I am not expecting anything from this apart from some peace of mind for myself. I don't expect, nor do I want an apology from the woman. I have never met her nor do I expect to for a long time (unless exp suddenly wants to be more involved in dd's life). I feel like I just need to tell her and move on.

Is this a bad idea? I am pretty sure exp will have something to say about it but don't really care about that as we have a non existent relationship anyway (rarely communicate unless he decides to have some contact with dd).

[ALittleStranger]

sigh the OW didn't do this to you. You ex partner did. You have no idea what he told her, what she was thinking etc.

If you want to write a letter, write a letter to him. But better still write a letter and then burn it. You sound like you're re-building your life, keep focused on that. Forward not back.

[giggleshizz]

Thank you, yes I have told exp as well my thoughts on his actions although he doesn't care and I don't expect an apology from him. Yes I realise the OW has been told all sorts about me. However, I know for a fact he told her I was pregnant which means she did go into the realtionship with this knowledge, whatever else he told her. I have worked long and hard at not directing all my hate towards her as I realise she is only a part of this and exp is the one who made the choice to not be part of our lives, I guess like I say this is the last little part I thought might help me move on for good....anyway, thanks for the input :)

[TwoNoisyBoys]

Write the letter......but don't send it. I know you feel like this happened because of her, but really, it was your partner who did all of this horrible stuff to you....not her. It's HIS fault. You sound like you're getting your life together, keep hold of that. Your and your DD's happiness is all you should concentrate on....(easier said than done I know) xx

[TwoNoisyBoys]

X-post with ALittleStranger! :) takes me ages to type on this phone!

[worsestershiresauce]

It's not a good idea, it never is, you'll get nothing from it and chances are it will reinforce everything your exp will have probably claimed about you being unhinged.

However I did email OW. I told her I was heart broken, abut I wished her well. I meant it. All I wanted out of the whole sorry mess was for us all to move on and be happy in our new lives. It was cathartic, it was closure for me, and I don't actually think it did any harm. Thankfully she did not reply! It would still have been better if I had sat on my hands.

My advice, write the letter or email, then burn/delete it. It really does help to write stuff down, but I don't think it will help to send it. You won't get anything back from it. She doesn't think she did anything wrong. In a way she didn't. Your exp is his own man, not a possession of either of you.

[handfulofcottonbuds]

giggle - I am so sorry that you went through this at a time when it should have been filled with happy memories and plans.

I agree not to write to OW. You have done so well and it was your exP who has caused this, she had no loyalty to you. Cheaters lie, he might have told her a pack of lies or she might know the truth and if she can go with a man when his partner is pregnant...well that tells you what she is like. A letter from you will do no good, you will not get closure this way.

You say you don't want a reply or anything but if you did send it, can you honestly say that you wouldn't be tormenting yourself wondering what her reaction would be, waiting to see if she does reply?

Your closure is having your beautiful DD who you have brought up on your own for the first 15 months so far. Cuddle her lots, she is your future, your past cannot hurt you anymore.

Good luck he is a shit

[EllaFitzgerald]

Write the letter, and maybe write one to him as well. Pour out all your feelings and hurt and then tear it into a million little pieces and throw them away.

It won't make her think about what she's done. If her conscience was that attuned, she wouldn't have entered into a relationship with your ex before he'd left you. All it will achieve is that you'll end up looking bitter, abusive and angry and she'll end up looking like a victim. Your ex will likely want to 'have it out' with you and it just drags the whole situation on unnecessarily.

In situations like this, revenge really is a dish best served cold. Get on with your life, living it to the full, and in a few years time, when you're happy with your daughter, maybe in a wonderful relationship, and he does the same thing to her, she'll realise how much you must have hurt when it happened to you.

[giggleshizz]

Thank you. Yes I know he is a shit :) I think in the beginning in a situation like this it is so hard to actually place the blame on the person you loved and trusted that the easiest person to hate is OW. Like I say, I have come to a point where I know that all the choices made were exp. Obviously doesn't mean I condone what OW did in any shape or form and of course her actions are probably a reflection of the type of person she is. I guess what I wanted from it was for her to maybe feel bad? Maybe feel some guilt? I have carried sadness inside me for so long now (slowly working though it) that I guess I want her to get a taste of her own medicine. Or maybe I think that me telling her the truth will form a cloud over their otherwise sham happy relationship. Having said that, If a year and a half of knowing exp does fuck all for us hasn't left a bitter taste in her mouth I doub't anything will.

I have written the letter although not finely polished it or sent it:) Will sit on it for a while...thank you, the consensus seems to be not to send.

[mammadiggingdeep]

I agree with cottons...

She's not the lovliest woman to have walked the earth to be with a man who sees his dd once every 4 months...who didn't attend the birth and left a preg woman. I doubt you'd bother her on the slightest. Even if she was bothered by it- nothing can be gained from it. It can't be undone.

He sounds like such a nasty, emotionally cold man- to do that to you and then to turn his back on dd. you're better off without him. You sound like you're doing brilliantly- just continue to heal, detach and leave them to it.

[giggleshizz]

oh and wosestershire thanks for sharing your story.

[handfulofcottonbuds]

giggle - when my H left me for OW last September, I was distraught and wanted them both to feel my pain. I wrote a letter to my H and never sent it, in fact, I never finished it. I concentrated on getting myself better and being there for my DS.

Someone said to me that they believed I was the one who was going to have the happy ever after - they were right.

Your DD will be your strength, you will be happy x

[giggleshizz]

Thank you all for kind advice, brought tears to my eyes. I think I will sit on this one for quite a while and hopefully get to the point where I no longer have a need to let her know how much she hurt me.

handful yes that's the thing isn't it....wanting them to feel your pain. It's a horrible feeling of being absolutely powerless. Maybe I felt that the letter was me taking back some control of the situation?

[handfulofcottonbuds]

I understand sweetie but the way you take back control of the situation is to live well for you and your beautiful daughter.

I no longer want them to feel my pain, it does get easier, it's what you make of this terrible situation.

I have always believed in maintaining my dignity through this. For her to know how I feel - she doesn't deserve to know! Same for you.

You will be okay, I didn't believe it when other MNers told me that but I do now. Cry your tears, they will help you heal but then get strong.

[picklepig]

The general consensus on MN is not to contact the OW, that the problem lies with DH, not with her. Dignified silence is the way to go.

I didn't follow this advice and personally, two years later, I'm really glad I didn't. I think in my case it was down to circumstances:1) she knew me, our family and professed to be a friend 2) She initiated the affair 3) As soon as I found out about two months of lies DH dropped her like a hot stone so I didn't need to worry about forcing him into her arms.

Some people on MN suggested that you should feel sorry for the OW but I reserve the right not to. Once the initial shock of betrayal ebbed a little I began to feel really pissed off by her lack of respect for me, our marriage and family. Why didn't she stop and think 'hang on, this is bang out of order?' So I sent her a letter outlining my feelings, so she knew exactly how angry I was, because I think that was only fair in the circumstances. In fact I sent it as an open letter to her, her husband and my husband. I am under no illusion - it was my DH that betrayed me and that is the bigger issue here - but she was very disrespectful thinking that she could essentially have a go at poaching someone else's husband. It was this that really got under my skin. She wrote back offering some empty grovelly platitudes but I felt a lot better that I had stood up for myself. I didn't lose my dignity, in fact it stopped me seeing myself as a victim of the whole thing. I'm not suggesting that this is the right path for you, just offering a different opinion.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

You and DD are managing so well, if it helps do write a letter but as to posting it, I really would worry it might stir up a wasp's nest. Suppose ex flatters himself you are trying to reach out to him? If she knew you were pregnant and went ahead anyway she really won't be affected by anything you say now. Your ex was the one who betrayed you and tbh if he is keeping clear of you for most of the time please don't jeopardise your well-being now.

Maybe the act of writing a letter and pouring your heart out will in some way help. The best proof of your recovery from that nasty episode is your DD and how you are slowly but surely rebuilding your life.

[Overthinkerzzz]

I'm pretty sure that the OW knows what she has done, and if she felt any kind if guilt she would have backed off from him immediately. I think it would be pointless and just look like you haven't moved on.

I agree, write the letter but don't send it. Move forward and concentrate on yourself and your child. Enjoy yourself and go on a few dates!

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

I may be going against the consensus here, but I don't understand why the OW has no responsibility for an affair. Obviously the partner from the marriage who decides to cheat bears the bulk of the responsibility and blame - but if the OW (or OM, if it is the woman who cheats) knows that the person is married, then they too are making a positive decision to enter/stay in a relationship with a married person (or someone in a long term, committed relationship), and they must have some inkling about how much pain and upset that would cause.

However, I think the advice that people have given the OP here - to write the letter but not send it - is probably the most sensible advice.

[pausingforbreath]

My husband had an affair.
Ultimately , it was his 'fault/choice/decision/blame' to have the affair - he was the obligated one not the OW.

She was single, young, attractive, funny, independently solvent and quite a catch if I'm honest.

I didn't contact her ) I wanted my dignity .
But I did ask Dh how he could have any respect for someone who knowingly entered into a 'relationship' , knowing it would definitely end in tears - either her own or those of the wife and children ....

That bugged me a lot at the time.

[tallwivglasses]

How many hours of your time has this taken up so far? The crying, the thinking, the anguish - it's exhausting. Why waste any more time composing a letter which, frankly, isn't going to give her a lightbulb moment, when you could be spending that time baking, doing something creative or even watching a film? No-one lies on their deathbed wishing they'd spent more time angsting over the OW...

[LividofLondon]

giggleshizz, sorry you’ve had such a crap time but this is nothing to do with the “OW”. You said he moved in with her 2 months after you split, not that he was having an affair with her whilst with you. If that’s the case she isn’t an “OW”. You have no idea what she knows about the situation, he could’ve told her anything, so direct your anger at him not her if you must direct it somewhere. Even if she did know he new BF had a pregnant exGF, provided he was single why shouldn't they be together? Your relationship could've been dead in the water for a long time before an accidental pregnancy for all she knows.

Many years ago I met a single man and we very quickly became besotted with each other. 6 weeks into the relationship he found out his exGF was pregnant by him; there was no overlap between her and me. The difference between him and your exDP is that mine did the “honourable thing” and went back to her when she gave birth, yet after a few months left her to come back to me because their relationship was over before they even split the first time. The baby wasn’t changing that. If she had contacted me because I dared to date him while she was pregnant I would’ve thought she was a loon.

[Lindt70Percent]

I wouldn't bother because I don't believe that she can be feeling that secure in a relationship with someone who could do that to their pregnant partner and their child.

A school friend of mine fell in love with a married man when she was 20. He left his wife and 4 children for her. They went on to have 5 children of her own and he no longer had any contact with his first 4 children (don't know why). I met up with her again at a school reunion when we were about 30. She looked exactly the same as when we were at school - very slim and well maintained! When I commented on how fantastic she looked, especially as she'd had 5 children she told me that her husband wouldn't have accepted anything else. I was really shocked! She also said how stressful she'd found it having children with someone who had walked out on his first wife and children. She was never completely at ease.

So, if this OW hasn't had any children yet, think how she'll feel if she ever gets pregnant. If she has a baby with him, she'll feel uneasy and insecure. If they split up and she has a baby with someone else she'll probably think about how you must have been feeling and hopefully feel ashamed of her part in it.

And, if she manages to go through life without feeling any shame or having any empathy for you then she has serious issues and nothing you write will have any effect.

[Twinklestein]

Would it help to think of Anthea Turner?

It sounds like you've turned your mind to explaining to the OW the impact of their behaviour because you got nowhere trying to explain it to your ex. But the truth is she doesn't care either. And from their pov you just look like someone who can't get over what happened.

I think your focus on her contribution to your pain is simply a tool for analysing what happened to you, and a way of explaining your difficulty getting over it. You don't need to try and make her understand in order to move on.

[Dahlen]

The thing is, you don't know that the OW hasn't experienced guilt. I've met quite a few OW who have felt terrible guilt over the fact that their DP/DH betrayed another woman to embark on a relationship with them. It hasn't necessarily stopped them continuing with the affair, but it's perfectly possible for otherwise decent people do shitty things in life and because they're otherwise decent they experience guilt. You don't know if the OW is a cold-hearted bitch who's never spared you a second thought, a woman plagued by guilt and insecurity that what's happened to you will happen to her, or a woman who genuinely believes that you are a psycho bitch from hell who trapped her DP into a pregnancy he didn't want and prevents him from seeing his DD any more regularly than once every 4 months.

The only common denominator in any of those scenarios is your X.

[Dahlen]

Oh, meant to add I'm sorry you had to go through that. It must have been incredibly painful and tough. I'm glad you're rebuilding your life and wish you every happiness.

By all means write to both of them but don't send. If either one of them were capable of seeing the situation from your perspective, there wouldn't have been an affair in the first place.