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Just can't accept trips away with the lads!

(131 Posts)
Damnhot72 Sat 08-Feb-14 10:34:50

I know some women don't mind their partner going away regularly with the lads, but I just don't like it, I've tried to question myself go over it in my head but it never has been something that sat comfortable with me.

I've been with my bf for over a year now, and this is the main problem for me, we don't live together so don't see a lot of each other though I'm fine with that. But there just seems to be a lads trip away every 3 months or so, a few in this country somewhere, others are abroad. They're all in their 40's now so not young lads and it's all about drinking copious amounts of alcohol and watching football and were as my bf may not be unfaithful as far as I know, I know others are womanisers and heard various stories of women joining them having a laugh etc. although I trust him there is always that doubt in my head. In the past I've been cheated on by bfs going away to Blackpool etc. I know that's the past but I don't know I'm just finding it hard. Don't forget on top of this there is other nights out with the lads which I don't mind so much I do understand they need this time etc as do I but I can not afford to go away like he does if I do it's to see an old school friend, nor do I really have that craving to want to go away like he does. I'm just wanting people's opinions really would you accept this, is it just the norm ? What would you do about it, sometimes I just wonder if it would be best to just end it let him do what he wants I don't want to turn into the nagging girlfriend or have to put up with all the stress I feel when he does go away.

DCRbye Tue 11-Feb-14 19:59:13

I think you have to set rules about what makes you happy according to your own standards. We're not all the same.

I ever liked xDH going on boys nights out, but in the same way we didn't do much of that stuff together.

Joysmum Tue 11-Feb-14 18:31:08

From what you've written, I too think you have done the right thing. I think that if my DH and I never did anything together but he had more of a life without me than we had together, I'd be calling things a day too. Surely couples want to spend enough time together and be satisfied with their experiences together before investing time and money with others?

So, whilst I'd have no objections (now I'm more secure) in DH going away with the lads, I would not be happy if we didn't have the time and money to do so as a couple as a priority. I'd be questioning why he wouldn't want that with me.

I'm quite happy for him to have lads days/nights out. I like to have days/nights out with the girls so it cuts both ways.

You can change the way you feel if you want to and feel it's something you need to change. If you don't want to then that's fine too and you're better off finding somebody who's a better fit. I wish you every success in doing so if that's what you want. Otherwise, enjoy being single.

Offred Tue 11-Feb-14 18:03:56

And of course sometimes I've been in exclusively female or exclusively male company. It is the express exclusion of the other gender that I object to.

Offred Tue 11-Feb-14 18:02:01

No, I don't understand why any person would want to stipulate that a whole gender was not allowed to something unless they had some kind of prejudice against that gender.

I have friends of mixed sexes.

PN groups are slightly different because they are about an experience only women can have but I would find them strange if they expressly excluded men.

I don't agree with any kind of gender segregation, personally.

Lweji Tue 11-Feb-14 16:45:13

I don't think there is a right or wrong in this, and you are not controlling for not liking this part of his lifestyle.

You can only decide if it suits you or not, as you have.
You decide what is best for you.

Oblomov I can definitely see your perspective and I think it's unfair that some on here are painting the OP's bf (ex?) as a bad/sub-par person for going on these nights. I don't think it's any worse than any other hobby, unless it's impacting on things like caring for DC etc.

Personally it wouldn't be my thing but there's nothing wrong at all with doing it (obviously "womanising" etc or irresponsible drinking is different, but that aside) - it just means that person is perhaps more suited to a partner who either likes doing this kind of thing themselves (and hence they can come to an arrangement/agreement about equal "time off") or likes their space away from their DP regularly.

Freyalright Tue 11-Feb-14 15:32:50

I disagree with offred.

OP, I think you made the right call for compatibility reasons. I'm concerned about you expecting him to spend money on you. Did he expect you to spend your money on him. Does he owe you a lot of money?

Oblomov Tue 11-Feb-14 14:44:07

I don't see myself as misogynist or misandrist. I don't understand your logic. I like spending time with women. And men. And men and women.

You don't think anyone would need to go on a lads/girsl holiday?

You don't understand why a group of female friends would want to spend time together.

What about PN Groups? Who meet for a coffee and support eachother through crying non sleeping babies.

Presumably they are totally anti-feminist aswell.

Do you not have any female friends? Not ones that you meet in a group?

I do. I go to all sorts of different groups. Of one sex or both sexes.
I don't believe that I fit your description of " necessarily trust them to not be a misogynist/misandrist."

Offred Tue 11-Feb-14 12:09:31

Fundamentally I don't think someone who understands people primarily as people rather than as men and women would need to go on lads/girls holidays. If they are doing that I'd judge that they primarily saw people as men and women and I'd not necessarily trust them to not be a misogynist/misandrist. Not qualities I feel comfortable with in friends nevermind lovers.

Offred Tue 11-Feb-14 12:05:14

(The other is the actual supporting of objectifying/misogyny)

Offred Tue 11-Feb-14 12:02:33

I suppose it is two things that bother me about it. I don't think I'd want to be with someone who felt they needed to be in an exclusively male environment where women were not allowed or where they wouldn't be comfortable if women were invited (same with groups of "girls"). That's the thin end of the sexist wedge because it demonstrates prejudice against people who happen to be female (or male and I've been infuriated with the "girls" stuff equally). The thick end being where this guy seems to be - feeling the need to be in an all male group where they are only comfortable if women are there to be used as sex toys. Nothing to do with trust re infidelity for me, everything to do with trust re respect for women as people.

JoinYourPlayfellows Tue 11-Feb-14 11:59:19

Why do women have to aim to be any kind of gf?

Amen to that.

Dahlen Tue 11-Feb-14 11:45:32

You can judge a lot about someone from the company they keep.

Your BF's going away for weekends with his friends every three months or so - no big deal. wouldn't bother me in the slightest. His going away with men in their mid-40s who prioritise getting drunk and womanising - very big problem. Obviously your BF sees nothing wrong in their behaviour or he wouldn't be going to such lengths to maintain the friendships. And if he sees nothing wrong with it...

I have male friends who go away for weekends. They've all managed to gravitate towards other male friends who share similar standards of behaviour and have long ceased extending invitations to those who think it's funny to urinate in pub courtyards, judge wet T-shirt competitions or indulge in a bit of NSA infidelity. Strangely enough, they still drink and have fun, just in a more grown up way that displays a bit of integrity. Maybe that's why they're all still in happy relationships while the men who no longer got invited are not.

Sometimes we continue friendships well past their sell-by date. Ease, familiarity, scared of being "billy no mates" - all these play a part, and often unthinkingly. It's a good idea to do a bit of weeding from time to time though.

You don't have any right to tell your BF what to do. You do have every right to form an opinion, express it, and decide whether your differing views are compatible, however.

shey02 Tue 11-Feb-14 11:24:41

It's really just about compatability and happiness. It works fine for some couples and for others it wouldn't. Repeat, it's not about control, it's finding compatability. Good for you OP for realising that.

Oblomov Tue 11-Feb-14 11:04:59

I doubt I have a 'relationship twin' !!

I don't do it to be a 'cool gf', I don't think it's sad or pathetic for men to go away together.

I don't think my dh is a pathetic saddo.

I think it's because I really enjoy going out drinking (and I don't been getting plastered) with my female friends.
So I don't understand why its such a crime for men to do it.

I am clearly in a totally different place to most others on this thread. But I find that puzzling.

expatinscotland Mon 10-Feb-14 19:19:47

AF smile

AnyFucker Mon 10-Feb-14 19:13:47

expat, I swear you and I are "relationship twins" smile

Offred Mon 10-Feb-14 19:01:52

Indeed. I entirely reserve the right to be "cool" about what I'm actually cool about and really fucked off about what I'm really fucked off about and the implication that it you aren't cool with your partner being involved with womanisers and objectifiers it's because you have no life is really offensive.

expatinscotland Mon 10-Feb-14 19:00:22

I'd find someone that old still going on 'lads weekends' a pathetic saddo so never would have got to relationship stage with such a person.

Damnhot72 Mon 10-Feb-14 18:58:23

Huh yes offred and any fucker and I have done that role before for years believe me, I promised myself NEVER again!!

Offred Mon 10-Feb-14 18:57:40

And I wish you'd think through the logic of the statement "cool gf is something to aim for" because that phrase expresses pretty precisely that the woman is expected to adjust her boundaries in order to accommodate the man. What's wrong with just finding someone who shares your values and respects your boundaries? Why do women have to aim to be any kind of gf?

Offred Mon 10-Feb-14 18:53:16

"Cool gf" is not about having a life of your own IMO. It is about precisely the opposite, modern equivalent of stepford wife. Cool gf is all about trying not to be bothered about being treated badly because a woman's role is to never challenge their male partner and to quietly and smilingly put up with however they are treated and worse than that to act like they enjoy it.

AnyFucker Mon 10-Feb-14 18:45:04

"cool gf's" just get trodden all over, IMO

AnyFucker Mon 10-Feb-14 18:44:33

Good for you, Damn

Damnhot72 Mon 10-Feb-14 18:37:03

Oh I do have my own friends that I go out with be it shopping lunch dinner sometimes and I drink wow! I have hobbys my own business,studying for more as well, my own house, 2 lovely children that I do lots of things with even take them away on my own sometimes. I don't go out alot in the evening because I have my children most of the time, but I can assure you I'm not the little miss no friends sitting at home doing nothing. I just don't like my man going away with other unfaithful womanisers that's all.

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