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I don't know where I'm going with this.

(11 Posts)
exWifebeginsat40 Sat 08-Feb-14 10:29:09

I'm a recovering alcoholic, was in a relationship for 10 years, married for five.

apparently, all my husband ever wanted was for me to stop drinking. so, I went into AA and loved it immediately. meetings 5-7 times a week and sober.

and then it began. he would go out drinking 4 nights a week, and not come home til 3/4 am. i have since found out he has a new woman, but they have 'done the decent thing' and not gone public since i moved out, which was just over a week ago.

my heart is broken. i have a fabulous new place, but i loathe it. all i can think of is that i did what he wanted - went into recovery and he immediately ditched me. he doesn't see that he's done anything wrong. the previous 18 months were, admittedly, horrible - i was hospitalised (psych unit) for a month, then limped along until a serious suicide attempt last September. i have a nearly-14-year-old DD who chose to live with her dad until said attempt last year.

so here I am. it's only been 6 weeks since we decided to split and he has a new girlfriend. i know i caused all this. my daughter has disclosed that she wasn't happy with our life as ex-h was stroppy and unreasonable. i know i'm better off without him, and i know the pain i caused him. but aren't marriage vows in sickness and in health? i just feel utterly dumped and the pain is unbearable.

hand holding or arse kicking. over to you.

exWifebeginsat40 Sat 08-Feb-14 10:30:30

not <until>, <after>...with DD

iamonthepursuitofhappiness Sat 08-Feb-14 10:42:46

I was married for 11 years to an alcoholic, with him for 14 years. Yes, my marriage vows were made with the intention that they were for better and worse etc but after at least 8 years of being the supportive wife and mother of his children, I just had enough. There was no love left and I ended the marriage. Living with an alcoholic is hell (the lies, the non-relationship because the person is not there, the rollercoaster that is sober/drunk, watching the person you love slowly killing themself). With regard to your ex-DH being stroppy and unreasonable, this is what alcoholism does to the spouses of alcholics. Also, many alcholics are drinking to, sort of, self-medicate because they are very troubled people. Even if my XH stopped drinking tomorrow, he would still have the same issues.

While of course you are going to feel bereft that this relationship has ended, many positive things have resulted. 1) Your XH is now in a happy relationship and 2) you have stopped drinking. I would try to focus on rebuilding your life. I do have every sympathy for your situation but equally I have walked in your XH shoes and can relate to his reasons for ending your ending relationship.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 10:47:26

If you had treatment for him you are at risk of relapse. You should only ever do things like that for yourself. You can't expect him to stay with you and love you unconditionally, everyone has their limit and he clearly reached his. I don't think apportioning blame is helpful though, you were clearly very unwell. It is sad that your relationship broke down but it can't be helped now.

You need to try and let go and move on I think.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 10:49:27

Maybe what you need to focus on is your relationship with dd. It is good she went back to her dad after the suicide attempt. You mustn't take it too personally but you need to get well and rebuild your relationship with her. What kind of support have you got around you?

exWifebeginsat40 Sat 08-Feb-14 11:28:48

i have all my AA friends but i don't know how to stop hurting. the thought of him with someone new is killing me. i know i did this but how do i stop this hurting?

he literally ditched me two weeks into my recovery. what do i do with that?

maparole Sat 08-Feb-14 11:42:19

Huge congratulations for breaking free from the drink. You need now to concentrate on staying free ... it has stolen your husband, but you don't have to let it steal your daughter as well.

You have shown how strong you are by staying sober, so now get hold of this strength once more and use it to focus on building a new life.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 12:01:36

You don't blame yourself or him or anyone really. Relationships commonly fail when they are put under big stress like this and there is just too much water under the bridge. It's not anyone fault, it's just sad that it has happened.

I'm sure it hurts but it will pass, you'll be able to heal much better if you don't get into the blame game but you really accept it is over.

Have you got any support from the health service? You've made a serious attempt on your life and I think in the circs if you haven't had mental health support up until now then it would help. It's no small achievement stopping drinking. You should be proud, and kind to yourself but you do need to let this relationship go and focus on yourself and your daughter.

exWifebeginsat40 Sat 08-Feb-14 14:55:37

i have a CPN but they are talking about discharging me. i feel dreadful and just want the hurt to stop.

juneau Sat 08-Feb-14 15:14:32

Congratulations on your sobriety. Seriously - that is a big achievement and it's great that you are enjoying AA and have made friends there.

As for your marriage ending - yes, that's got to hurt - particularly as you say you got sober for your DH. Being sober means things do hurt, but the only way through this is to take it one day at a time - like your recovery. Marriages break down for lots of reasons and I'm loathe to blame your DH for reneging on his marriage vows after such a rough ride with you. Yes, we all get married and plan to stay together, but sometimes living with the person we married just isn't what we thought we'd signed up for. Addiction, as you know, is no picnic for anyone. Serious illness also means a lot of marriages break down. People are human - and many just can't cope with carrying someone else and what that does to them and their mental health. I'm guessing he'd just had enough.

Right now, I'd say you have to put all your efforts into your recovery. Be sad, grieve, rage if you need to, but put your recovery first. Talk to your GP if you feel you need some extra help.

YouAreMyRain Sat 08-Feb-14 19:35:32

It is likely that your H has issues with codependency and did not know how to relate to the sober you. I am sure it hurts very deeply but you have done really well in your recovery. Focus on your health and your relationship with your DD thanksthanks

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