Feel heartsick trying to do the right thing and getting battered on all sides

[Popplecake]

I am so so fed up with my situation, I have had enough of all the rubbish I am going through and could really use some help for how to deal with it all.

In a nutshell, I am trying to ensure my young child is safe and supervised when with my ex-p due to his drug problems which resulted in an incidnt of DV against me. For this sensible action, I have been bombarded with lying from my ex; threats to tell the HV/ss I am mad, that I have been beating him up in the relationship, him spreading malicious lies at my workplace (I am "witholding" his child from him), getting mutual colleagues to send me unpleasant letters condeming me for "my behaviour" and lying to his family.

He's making me out to be some evil bitch because he just wants to continue doing drugs with a child around and he likes the sympathy and attention he gets playing the "poor devastated dad" role, especially at work.

I'm now having to go into work and raise all this with my boss to at least get the truth out there and try to stop colleagues anonymously harrassing me as well as him! I suspect though that telling the truth will again make him look great and I'll get sacked or disciplined for not disclosing the drug abuse sooner. He will somehow twist it so he comes out smelling of roses. He always does.

Does anyone have any thoughts or advice on how to cope with the whole injustice of this, or any practical things I can do to right some of the wrongs? I am so upset that doing the "right thing" is seeming to get me universally condemned and it is so unfair.

[tribpot]

If you've got concerns about him having contact with your dc, are SS/HV not already involved? If they aren't, I would involve them yourself, be completely honest, and simply remove that particular threat from his arsenal. Are the police aware of the DV?

Him lying to his family is something you will just have to accept and ignore, they were always likely to side with him. Can you limit contact with them? Do you actually need to have any contact with them at all?

It sounds like you both work at the same firm. In which case it is extremely unlikely that you failing to disclose his drug use will be taken more seriously than his actual drug use. The fact that colleagues are harrassing you is a disciplinary offence; whatever the truth of your family situation they have no business trying to involve themselves in it. Do you have evidence of what they've been doing? You say they've been anonymously harrassing you - how? You mean rumours are spreading but you don't know the source of them?

Raise it all simply with your boss, have written notes so you don't get flustered and can be clear and direct. You have done nothing wrong, and even if you were denying your ex contact with the child, that has bugger all to do with work anyway.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Agree 100% with the above. 'Tell the truth and shame the devil' .... report, report, report. Keep hold of as much evidence as you can and involve as many outside agencies as is appropriate. Forget his family because they'll never take your side against his and don't worry about being popular. Just make sure you tell the people that matter.

[RatherBeRiding]

Totally agree with the above. You say you have received letters from mutual colleagues that are unpleasant - take them straight to your boss and tell him this is harassment and you want it dealt with. I assume your company has a policy that deals with harassment? Get HR involved too. And report the drug use immediately - the consequences for him are not your problem. Again, make sure you involve HR and keep records of who you spoke to at work, and when. If you seek a meeting with HR/boss at work, take a colleague partly for support and partly as a witness to what was said.

[Pheonixisrising]

totally agree with everyone else
are you in a union ?

[Popplecake]

Thank you all for practical advice,I am sick with worry about all this :(

I reported the DV to the police but didn't press charges (though they encouraged me to) bcause of the impact that ths might have on my lo later down the line on his record. Stupid really, I should have :(

I know my ex, and I know what he will have been saying at work. I have this malicious letter that is unsigned and states that they are having a hard time defending my "vicious, vindictive actions" to others at work, that I have misjudged my ex and bullied and threatened HIM!! However, the smart person hand wrote the envelope and I recognise the handwriting. Surely my boss can easily identify this person by asking them to write out my address and comparing them?

I would like to take a colleague - but then am I not as bad as him at dragging personal things into the workplace? Also, I don't know who I can trust at present - who has not been poisoned against me by my ex.

Sadly not in the union, they said they don't get involved with ongoing cases.

Really scared about all of this. . . should I raise a grievance against my ex and the work colleague (if they own up?)

[Littlefish]

Are SS involved in helping to protect your child from the actions of your ex? Do they know about the drug abuse?

[Popplecake]

Everyone at home tells me that I should just let him win, not tell my boss or my side of the story and just get another job. I don't see that this very right. They say that telling the truth and sharing the drugs thing will just make me look bad and that people at work will just think that I am even more of a bitch :( They also say that my boss wont do anything because it is not happening at work. .

[Littlefish]

Please could you answer my questions.

[Popplecake]

SS are not directly involved. I have told them informally about the drugs without giving names and they did not seem interested because I explained that he wasn' seeing her at present because he is contesting the contact centre . .