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Cheating during dating/pre-marriage phase...

(13 Posts)
brightnearly Sat 08-Feb-14 02:02:39

I have no idea any more whether I'm oversensitive or not, but I feel majorly upset about finding out that my now-DH has 'cheated' on my when we were dating, I had met his parents, we'd known each other for 6 years, been on holiday together etc. This was pre-marriage (and pre-DC), but I feel really disgusted!
Having said that, I generally feel uncertain about the marriage, and really start to feel I made a huuuuge mistake sticking with him. I don't feel cherished at all. After the arrival of DC1 our life as a couple practically ended. That was 5 years ago. When I feel happy, I feel happy despite him being there, not because of him. Everything is an effort, I don't feel accepted, heard or nourished.
Now this revelation (by accident!) has completely thrown me!

Firekraken Sat 08-Feb-14 02:13:16

How did you find out?

One night Stand or longer-cheating?

Whatever: the fact is, either scenario is irrelevant.

Upsetting and abhorrent yes, but irrelevant to how you intend to spend the next stage of your life.

The marriage is limping along and has been for five years.

Your last couple of sentences say it all.

It's pointless staying in a marriage like this.

I expect your discovery is the tip of a small iceberg too.

Make plans to find a happier life for yourself and your dc.

brightnearly Sat 08-Feb-14 02:25:09

I think I did discover a bit of an iceberg...basically, while I was sure back in the day when I was practically a baby, naive and clueless that he was my one and only, he wasn't sure of anything and was searching high and low, always remaining casual and flaky. He was like that with me, but I assumed being a baby and all that that was because of me and my shortcomings!

LTB is easier said than done, and certainly not possible overnight with small DC and no family around. I just feel such an almighty fool.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 08-Feb-14 08:11:59

LTB is certainly easier said than done but, if your relationship is poor and the cheating revelation has put the final nail in the coffin then, as the PP said 'make plans'. I'd strongly suggest you get some information together on the realities of a split from people like solicitors or CAB because often a big part of what keeps people trapped in unhappy marriages is that they think about a solo future and it all seems too miserable and difficult. So they opt for the status quo, however grim it is.

Even if you don't act on it immediately or even if you never act on it, it can give you strength to know the score.

Joysmum Sat 08-Feb-14 09:20:58

To me, it wouldn't matter if it were pre or post marriage. As many people say, we didn't need a piece of paper to show that we were already in a fully committed and exclusive relationship.

If that relationship was an open relationship and no exclusive then it's ok. The fact that he kept it secret meant he knew you were exclusive, knew he was doing wrong, and went ahead anyway. He put his wants before your needs and saw fit to lie to you to get what he wanted. He took away your choice in doing so.

So, fast forwarding to today:

Does he fully accept and acknowledge you have every right to be devastated? What's changed now to ensure he won't do it again? You need to be satisfied of these 2 answers if you can hope to move on as he's not the person you thought he was.

fifi669 Sat 08-Feb-14 09:50:19

How long ago are we talking? 5 years? 10 years? Was it a ONS or relationship? If you'd had a happy marriage til this revelation I'd address it and move on. It sounds like you haven't though and could be the excuse to leave you've been looking for.

FWIW I think it also depends on how your relationship was at the time. Were you in the having fun, doing things, going places stage?... Or the talking about the future, putting plans in motion together stage? If he was talking of commitment and your future while cheating if rip him a new one. If it was the former he may not have realised how far the relationship would go at the time IYSWIM. No excuse, but more understandable.

brightnearly Sat 08-Feb-14 14:35:11

Than you so much for your answers!

Basically, before he proposed and I moved in with him, we were always living in different cities and mostly even in different countries. I was studying and moving about quite a lot, he was consistently in one place. We got to know each other 9 years before we married - we went out for a while, then he had second thoughts and broke everything off, then had more second thoughts and re-established contact. This happened quite a few times, and because I really, really liked him I did not call it quits. I simply thought that I was still not settled anyway, so if it was meant to be, it was meant to be.

5 years into this on-off spiel, he decided to become a permanent fixture in my life. We went on holidays together, I met his parents (he'd already met mine), we talked every day. But - as I found out - this apparently did not translate into him being exclusive with me. He was always very reluctant to be referred to as a "boyfriend" or partner as well. And he did every so often go into a whole lot of reasons why we are not compatible, so I did not feel particularly secure in all of this. But - going with my brilliant philosophy - I went with it, because if it was meant to be blabla, and also because of the classic "it will get better once xyz has happened".

So - in the end, he did propose and I fell pregnant, and we married. However, this did not end my insecurity. Even though he claims that he is "very happy" and "should have married me much earlier", he did not explain his long, long reluctance to commit...and I'm still very, very hurt, because in the initial phase, the way he broke up with me on a few occasions was rather like a rude dismissal (say, via email!) - which was also never really talked about.

DarlingGrace Sat 08-Feb-14 14:43:44

It all sounds very on/off on/off and your insecurities really stem from the fact he married you because you were pregnant, so you aren't sure why he's with you?

Given the on/off-ness of your whole courting history - how can you know whether his dalliance occurred whilst you were on or off?

ALittleStranger Sat 08-Feb-14 14:50:58

You're insecure because you know he was not just holding out for something better, but actively looking for something better. When that didn't happen he went for you. Some would call that settling, some would see that as the scales falling from his eyes, but anyone would feel crap.

orphanblack Sat 08-Feb-14 15:51:47

The fact that he has said that he IS very happy and said he should have settled with you earlier- to me means that he made the right choice and loves commitment with you.

People do strange things before they commit- but thats all in the past.(5 years ago).

You both have come a long way since than.
Going back over details really isn't going to help you move forward.
He has already dealt with this and doesn't want to bring it up because how he felt than is irrelevant to what he has now.

I think you should try and put those feelings of hurt behind you-(not easy- but who said life was- always a hitch somewhere).

Insecurity is horrible, but the mans chosen you and proposed and followed through on everything and is happy with his decision.

Go get some confidence back in yourself lady!!

(Retail therapy works every time smile )

brightnearly Sat 08-Feb-14 15:54:11

Yes, Stranger, I think you're right. I know the dalliance happened when we were "on" because of the date of the correspondence. I'm glad to hear I'm not just oversensitive, but I'm aware that I went with the game.

brightnearly Sat 08-Feb-14 15:55:31

Retail therapy grin!

fifi669 Sat 08-Feb-14 18:24:13

My sister did something similar ish. After the first flush things settled down into a normal relationship. To her it seemed like a is this it? Situation and mistakenly thought that the routine of being a couple meant that they weren't compatible as she expected more excitement I guess.

She finished with her DP, met another guy who she dated for a few months(but of an overlap), had a few ONS, realised she'd been an idiot and they're back on and very happy.

I think the only difference between you is she cut the ties and he didn't. Commitment and settling down is the nirvana for some of us, for others it takes a while!

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