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is it possible to even be able to communicate after divorce?

(9 Posts)
catkin14 Sat 08-Feb-14 00:09:08

So, divorce was finalised last week.

Due to my exh obsession with 'his' money we stopped all communications in september last year as it all had to be sorted through solicitors.
He tried to get me to agree to what he wanted rather than what I or the law said, so I said no more contact between us with regard to finances.
However he decided this meant he was not allowed to call our house phone and due to bad mobile signal, barely speaks to youngest DC, he tells our older DCs this is because I had he was not allowed to ring the home phone! Total lie!!
He is now telling people he is officially skint as I took all his money. He earns a lot of money so not sure where he feels he is skint.

But for our teenage DC I would like to ask him if we can put past behind us and move on.

I do not trust him to tell the truth and do not feel he is a positive influence on out DCs life, however he is his DF.
Is it possible to be civil to an exh? if so how?
Divorce and settlement has been fairly acrimonious ...

theoldtrout01876 Sat 08-Feb-14 00:48:36

Ive had 1 reasonable,non confrontational conversation with exh in 11 years. Its got a lot to do with "his" money also.

He doesnt get that Ive been more than fair and what Ive got is just the basic allowed. I never did go after child support based on his 2 jobs,just the 1. I never claimed alimony even though I was entitled to.( I took the absolute minimum the courts would let me )

I have never gone after him for 50% of college fees for the kids or 50% of out of pocket medical and dental fees like he was court ordered to pay. He hasnt paid for a SINGLE thing for any of his kids in the 11 years we have been divorced ( I do get child support deducted straight from his wages though ). I tried very very hard,for the sake of the kids to be civil,it didnt work because he didnt want it to work and he enjoyed being the poor victim way too much

He tried to claim the tax credits for Ds1 and 2 college costs,even though he hasnt paid a penny,when I called to inform him I wouldnt give him the papers to enable him to do this he called me a money hungry cunt screamed abuse at me and hung up.

He tells my kids he cant buy them/help them/lend them cos I took all his money.He tells everyone else who know either one of us how I nailed him to a wall financially

Ive been no contact for years the tax credits conversation was the first contact we had had in years. Im hoping it will be the last EVER

Ours was also an acrimonious divorce

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 01:12:28

You can try but it takes two to make a divorce work just as much as it takes two to make a marriage. From the sounds of it any effort you make trying to get him to be a reasonable person may just be wasted effort and you may be better to focus on minimising his ability to harm the dc and supporting them when he does. sad

TheBeautifulVisit Sat 08-Feb-14 06:24:08

He sounds a complete arse. I would buy your children's mobiles if they don't already have them and inform Mr Arse of the numbers.

I'd send him an email, copied to your teen children, telling him he's completely misunderstood you and he can phone his children any time (give him the mobile numbers). And indeed he can call you on the house number any time to discuss the children or arrangements for the children. And say now that our divorce is done and dusted I hope we can be civilised and cooperative parents to our shared children.

Best of luck, OP.

lipstickpowderandpaint Sat 08-Feb-14 07:57:50

In my opinion nosad for me we have only been separated for 8 months so perhaps it's still sore but I can't even look at him let alone have a civil conversationsad I have found that communication by email works best and even then it's only to arrange contact with dcs. Everything else is via solicitors and like you, I think, it's all about his way and what he wants. If there are things like the phoning you need to clear up send a email, like the previous poster suggested, putting it in black and white for him. Good luck thanks

louby44 Sat 08-Feb-14 08:04:48

Yes. I've been separated/divorced from my exH since 2006 and we are on good speaking terms. We go to school meetings/plays together. I've even been asked in for coffee at his house.

He's a good person. So it can over time get better.

Absolutelylost Sat 08-Feb-14 08:13:09

I've been divorced from my exH since 2005 and whilst I left him for someone else, whom I'm now married to, we had a relatively amicable divorce. We've always got on ok and strangely enough, when I had a rocky year in 2013 with my DH and he was extremely supportive; we have always co-parented well and I would say he is close friend now, I feel very brotherly towards him. But have never regretted getting divorced, we were married 18 years but became increasingly wrong for eachother.

catkin14 Sat 08-Feb-14 22:49:16

maybe given time and letting the dust settle after the divorce will help.

I just know for now i will have to let him get on with it. i have used up so much energy getting divorced that I need a bit of time out from him and the whole situation.

The maybe an email to try to offer an olive branch...

Writerwannabe83 Sun 09-Feb-14 08:47:39

I think that you need to give it time for the dust to settle before you can think about being civil.

My parents are divorced and they have a very good relationship with each other really, to the point where a lot of my friends think it is weird. They have been divorced for 24 years and although I'm sure it was unbearable at the time I guess they hit a stage where they realised they had to just move on from it.

Despite being divorced my dad still visits and chats on the phone to my moms parents and my mom still visits my dad's parents smile

They buy each other birthday and Christmas presents smile

They have keys to each other's houses and when me of them goes on holiday the other one goes round and looks after their pet for them smile

My dad is still invited over for Christmas Lunches every Christmas and Boxing Day and the invite also extends to his new partner too smile

They divorced because of an affair so I imagine the divorce was very bitter and awful at the time but obviously they just let the bad feeling go - probably to ensure me and my sister didn't end up 'damaged by it all'. It's actually really nice to have divorced parents that still get on so well even if it is 'odd' smile

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