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Can I be fixed?

(81 Posts)
PatrickStarisabadbellend Fri 07-Feb-14 23:44:39

Ever just down and just burst out crying? For one of the first times in my life I literally cannot stop crying. I feel broke, like a twig that's just snapped.
I'm 31 years old with 3 brilliant kids. I want to be normal for the sake of my kids. I guess speaking and talking about my life is possibly the first step in taking my life back. Please don't judge me or think I'm attention seeking because I promise I'm not. This will totally out me...

I come from a family of women who over the decades have been sexually abused. My mum, nan, aunts. All by different people. I was dragged down an alley at the age of 9 and sexually assaulted. My sister was gang raped.

My granddad beat my nan, my dad beat my mum, my Dp beat me, my sisters Dp beats her. When my mum went to work, my dad would beat my younger brother. He was 8. I used to cry and beg him to stop. Why didn't I tell my mum? My brother is a mess now.
My dad would make us all sit in the couch all day and we weren't allowed to move for upto 24 hours.

I didn't have the best start. My mum and dad had a terrible accident and were in hospital for a year when I was 2. I was passed around the family for a long time. Our home was repossessed and we were out on the streets.
When I was a teenager I developed an eating disorder. My family used to sing a made up song taking the piss out of me. I turned to self harming.

At 15 I took a handful of pills but my mum found me.

Not long after I met my Dp. At first he was kind and thoughtful. Then I found out I was pregnant with baby no.1, Dp started to push me around and slap me about.
Baby no2 comes and Dp takes it further. He avoids my bump until he went to prison for a separate thing. I thought great! I'm free. But he was soon out and knocking on my door full of promises. As a 19 year old with literally no confidence I let him back into my life. Not like I had a choice.

For the next few years Dp would regularly hit me, spit on me, take my money. Him and his friends would laugh and joke about my black eyes and my broken nose.

Baby no3 comes and Dp completely does an about turn. He gets a job and acts like the doting dad. He even said I was allowed to start going to the pub with the few friends I had for 2-3 hours on a Sunday night.

Then his brother thought it was wrong and I should be at home. So Dp drags me out of the pub by my hair in front of everybody. I was so scared that I wet myself.

Then my youngest brother ends up with internal injuries during a tour in Iraq. Dp wouldn't let me visit him. It broke my heart. My little brother was bullied terribly in school and he has a mild form of Tourette's. Just ticks really but enough for people to make his life a living hell.

Dp no longer hurts me. He hasn't done for a few years. I don't know why though?
I don't think he can be bothered because he's now 19stone, unemployed and a mess.

I now realise that my life isn't right. I don't want my kids to suffer any sadness that I have. I appear to have a heart of stone but with my kids I don't. Lately I have been crumbling, after all these years if staying strong it's all finally coming too much.

I need help.
(Please do not out me)

hellsbellsmelons Fri 14-Feb-14 14:11:51

Wow - you've done so well.
And you've come so far from your original post.

So what is happening now?
Is he leaving?

Next step would be to call the police on 101 number - ask for the domestic violence unit.
Let them know that you have been in an abusive relationship for XX number of years and that you have asked him to leave today.
That way, if anything happens and you dial 999 they can have someone there quickly as they will put you on the priority list.

Keep going and keep strong. Get in touch with womens aid for your next steps.

Thinking of you!

thinking101 Fri 14-Feb-14 14:33:51

Has he left? God I hope so, you will grown and trive wihtout this weed around you I promise.

Stay resilient. smile thanks

Pipachi Fri 14-Feb-14 14:52:45

You are impressively strong! smile

SeptemberFlowers Fri 14-Feb-14 15:55:03

You're doing the right thing thanks

Hope the weekend isn't too stressful x

Feckssake Fri 14-Feb-14 15:57:02

I think you're amazing. How you are still standing after all of that is beyond me and I suspect most of MN to understand. Keep going!

bunchoffives Sat 15-Feb-14 02:55:03

Remember Patrick

If you feel threatened with, or if experience any form of violence ring 999. Straight away. Do not hesitate.

Be the first woman in your family to stop this shit. The police are good at handling violent men now. They will remove him and you can get a non-molestation order to keep him away.

Please tell us you're ok if you can safely. My thoughts are with you and your kids.

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