Can I be fixed?

[PatrickStarisabadbellend]

Ever just down and just burst out crying? For one of the first times in my life I literally cannot stop crying. I feel broke, like a twig that's just snapped.
I'm 31 years old with 3 brilliant kids. I want to be normal for the sake of my kids. I guess speaking and talking about my life is possibly the first step in taking my life back. Please don't judge me or think I'm attention seeking because I promise I'm not. This will totally out me...

I come from a family of women who over the decades have been sexually abused. My mum, nan, aunts. All by different people. I was dragged down an alley at the age of 9 and sexually assaulted. My sister was gang raped.

My granddad beat my nan, my dad beat my mum, my Dp beat me, my sisters Dp beats her. When my mum went to work, my dad would beat my younger brother. He was 8. I used to cry and beg him to stop. Why didn't I tell my mum? My brother is a mess now.
My dad would make us all sit in the couch all day and we weren't allowed to move for upto 24 hours.

I didn't have the best start. My mum and dad had a terrible accident and were in hospital for a year when I was 2. I was passed around the family for a long time. Our home was repossessed and we were out on the streets.
When I was a teenager I developed an eating disorder. My family used to sing a made up song taking the piss out of me. I turned to self harming.

At 15 I took a handful of pills but my mum found me.

Not long after I met my Dp. At first he was kind and thoughtful. Then I found out I was pregnant with baby no.1, Dp started to push me around and slap me about.
Baby no2 comes and Dp takes it further. He avoids my bump until he went to prison for a separate thing. I thought great! I'm free. But he was soon out and knocking on my door full of promises. As a 19 year old with literally no confidence I let him back into my life. Not like I had a choice.

For the next few years Dp would regularly hit me, spit on me, take my money. Him and his friends would laugh and joke about my black eyes and my broken nose.

Baby no3 comes and Dp completely does an about turn. He gets a job and acts like the doting dad. He even said I was allowed to start going to the pub with the few friends I had for 2-3 hours on a Sunday night.

Then his brother thought it was wrong and I should be at home. So Dp drags me out of the pub by my hair in front of everybody. I was so scared that I wet myself.

Then my youngest brother ends up with internal injuries during a tour in Iraq. Dp wouldn't let me visit him. It broke my heart. My little brother was bullied terribly in school and he has a mild form of Tourette's. Just ticks really but enough for people to make his life a living hell.

Dp no longer hurts me. He hasn't done for a few years. I don't know why though?
I don't think he can be bothered because he's now 19stone, unemployed and a mess.

I now realise that my life isn't right. I don't want my kids to suffer any sadness that I have. I appear to have a heart of stone but with my kids I don't. Lately I have been crumbling, after all these years if staying strong it's all finally coming too much.

I need help.
(Please do not out me)

[fusspot66]

I'll hold your hand till someone better comes along.

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Me too.

You are an amazingly strong woman to have got through all that, I'm not surprised you think you have finally snapped.

I'm sure you will get some good advice on here.

[fusspot66]

Your husband sounds like a monster. Could you contact Woman's Aid to talk to someone about the difficult sad things you've already survived. You sound as though you've been strong for much too long. Or the samaritans if noone else comes along.

[PatrickStarisabadbellend]

I feel sick. I think it's finally dawned on me that my life is far from normal.

[fusspot66]

Women's Aid phoneline 0808 2000 247
Its a freephone open 24 hours a day.

[PatrickStarisabadbellend]

We're not married although he's been talking about booking a wedding a the registry office. He said he wouldn't buy me a ring though.

I don't want to marry him.

[minkBernardLundy]

Oh PatrickStar that is terrible.
Have you visited the stately homes and EA threads I think you would find a lot of support there.
You are not alone in feeling emotionally shut down to everyone but your kids. it is a normal coping strategy given what you have been through.

Also, please contact Women's Aid and consider the Freedom Program


You should be able to expect more from a partner than just that he does not hit you.i am betting even if he does not hit you now he is not exactly nice to you.

[Abbierhodes]

Oh, you so don't need fixing.
You've had a terrible time, you sound like you just need some love and support. Do you have someone in RL who you trust who can support you?
How old are your kids? You must leave him, you know. You deserve a better life. I'd be crying too in your shoes, but life can and will get better.

[PatrickStarisabadbellend]

My mum was terribly abused all of her life. She's just recently found the strength the get her own flat away from her ex. I don't blame my mum one bit.

But I don't want to trouble her with my problems.

[minkBernardLundy]

Patrick don't marry him.
Would you consider leaving him?

In addition to WA you could also contact Rape Crisis. they may be able to offer you counselling. it isn't possible to change the past but it is posdible to leave it behind and find a life that is better. you obviously have massive resources of strength even if you do not feel like it. counselling may help you to see how strong you are and how you deserve better.

[fusspot66]

Reading your original post I can see that your life is not normal. You have had an abnormal number of terrible experiences in life. Your partner has exploited this instead of helping you. He is not normal. You seem very caring. You care about your brother and your children. You are struggling with an impossible burden. And your partner adds to it. Perfectly normal to break under the strain.

[Abbierhodes]

Can you take courage from your mum? If she can, you can.

You deserve to be loved and cherished. Your partner is an arsehole who deserves to rot on his own.

[PatrickStarisabadbellend]

I have opened up a savings account to squirrel away some money.

If he attacked me I wouldn't care. I'm used to it, I'd just get up, dust myself down and carry on.

I'm a freak.

[fusspot66]

Not a freak. Just worn down.

[TemperamentalAroundCorvids]

She's your mum. And she's a woman who has lived through what you have - the violence you decribe is all male on female, yes? You can support each other - and she can help you because she has done it herself. If you want her support why not at least give her the chance?

[minkBernardLundy]

Use her as an inspiration. if she can so can you.
I am glad your mum has escaped. i hope you do too.

Give your kids the gift of not growing up in the same pattern. Your mum would probably have liked to give that gift to you but could not but she can act as an inspiration now and show you it is never to late and escape is possible.

And remember none of this is your fault. you don't need to be fixed you need to be allowed to heal from the injuries others have done to you. that is unfair and it is hard to bear but you will heal, given time away from the cause of all this.

[minkBernardLundy]

You are not a freak. you are a survivor. you are not alone in reacting this way to DV.

[TemperamentalAroundCorvids]

*or male on child

[PatrickStarisabadbellend]

Very worn down Fusspot.

I work full time too. My kids are all under 12 so they can be hard work at times, although they are brilliant.

Please excuse any spelling mistakes which embarrasses me. My darling dad often kept us off school so he could spend our bus fare on fags and fishing equipment.

[handfulofcottonbuds]

You are not a freak. you are a survivor

Totally agree. You have shown such strength, you can do this lovely.

[PatrickStarisabadbellend]

I don't like Dp at all. He makes me feel sick.

I don't want to upset my mum, she's about to have reconstruction surgery on her legs. It'll be the last thing she needs.

My sister has lost the plot so I don't want to burden her.

[PatrickStarisabadbellend]

My dad is now an alcoholic. I haven't seen him for over a year. He's his own worst enemy.
He was abused as a child too.

[Abbierhodes]

Well done for starting a savings account. You sound wonderful to me!
What is your next step? Will you ring WA?

[TheCabbywasfastandcarrying]

You can cry as much as you can it can help some people

won't change anything but can help you get rid of the pressure cosed by stress

Please read back your post and think
It's post of incredibly strong person who came to some kind of breaking point in her life

You would perhaps think it's easy to say /write
But you need to keep strong
look all this terrible stuff in your family

You can change it change the rest for yourself and your kids

[PatrickStarisabadbellend]

I haven't rang women's aid yet. I don't feel ready to say it all out loud if that makes any sense?

It's taken me a lot to write it on here.