Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Tips for surviving emotional abuse please

22 replies

Minifingers · 07/02/2014 22:43

I can't LTB because the person abusing me is my teenage daughter. She bullies me, shouts at me, follows me around the house being verbally aggressive, name calls me, engages in character assassination, laughs at me, tells me to make eye contact when she's being verbally abusive then sneers at me when I won't. She is no longer (that) physical since we called the police twice following violent outbursts, but she physically intimidates me, shoves me out the way, throws my things on the floor. It is always done in response to me saying 'no' to her or taking issue with her constant lateness for school, complete failure to do ANY homework, rudeness to teachers.

I have 2 younger children. She's pretty hateful to them to.

Please don't suggest CAMHS, having her go into care, negotiating with her, punishing her, setting stricter boundaries. We have tried everything (apart from care - that isn't a possibility) and nothing works. We hope she will grow out of it, and if this doesn't happen she can move out at 18.

Until then I have to survive emotionally.

Do anti depressants help? What mental strategies can I use to stay strong?

OP posts:

Report

TimeToPassGo · 07/02/2014 22:58

Can you PM MaryZ? She is on the teen boards a lot and will give lots of advice about this situation.

So sorry OP.

TemperamentalAroundCorvids · 07/02/2014 23:02

Would you be able to tell us her age more exactly? And how long has this been going on, and how long since police involvement? (I think you may have posted before, your story seems to ring a bell?)

You may think I am barking, but how about making eye contact, calm direct eye contact, when she next abuses you verbally. Notice what difference that makes.

sus14 · 07/02/2014 23:12

I knew someone once whose teenage daughter was like this and she was diagnosed with aspergers. Worth a think?

Minifingers · 07/02/2014 23:13

She is 14.

It's been going on for about a year, the hatefulness to me.

I feel like I have a stone in my chest.

OP posts:

sus14 · 07/02/2014 23:15

She is still a child. She needs some help. There is something wrong surely?

Minifingers · 07/02/2014 23:15

I am pretty sure she doesn't have ASD. And she's been seen by a consultant psychiatrist - no spectrum disorder or any other sychiatric issues.

OP posts:

Minifingers · 07/02/2014 23:18

Help for what? She has nice friends, doesn't seem particularly unhappy. In fact as long as she's not being thwarted in any way she's pretty cheerful most of the time.

She's just abusive and disrespectful to me.

OP posts:

Minifingers · 07/02/2014 23:24

I'm just looking for strategies to improve my ability to manage my emotions.

OP posts:

TemperamentalAroundCorvids · 07/02/2014 23:24

Of course you do

You feel the love that anyone feels for their 14 year-old DD, and she has petrified that love.

At risk of being accused of cod psychology, may I suggest that rather like a toddler having a tantrum, it scares her that she can being overcome by rage and have the effect she is having. She needs you there as a rock that won't be moved by what she does, and loves her in spite of her behaviour.

IMHE it is rare for people with AS to show continued rage, but common for them (me) to have unexpectedly strong reactions and lose control of themselves. Regarding AS, it is common for people with AS not to look others in the eyes while talking; does anyone tell her 'look at me while I am talking' - perhaps at school? (Just wondering; not assuming she has AS, but considering the possibility in light of sus's suggestion.)

TemperamentalAroundCorvids · 07/02/2014 23:25

oops *of course you feel like you have a stone in your chest

Minifingers · 07/02/2014 23:27

I'm not a rock. I'm a human being and I feel like I'm being emotionally tortured. :-(

OP posts:

MonsterMunchMe · 07/02/2014 23:33

Sorry you're going through this OP.

Why is care not an option?

A short sharp shock might be needed.

How about a stay at a very strict and authoritative relatives house?

Sorted me out as a teen and I was a vile nightmare. If my parents said no I f

TemperamentalAroundCorvids · 07/02/2014 23:34

I meant rock as in a safe stable thing, as seen by DD.

I am so sorry for your pain.

MonsterMunchMe · 07/02/2014 23:34

Sorry

*i flipped out. Going to stay with someone who won't take no shit from you because they don't have to is quite eye opening for this kind of teen.

TemperamentalAroundCorvids · 07/02/2014 23:39

There is a lot to be said for MMM's approach. In fact, in days gone by it was common to swap care of teenagers with other relatives.

MMM has personal experience of this, and I knew of someone who improved quite a lot after a short spell in care at 15.

(I myself was a quiet depressed Asperger's swot - I once called my mother a bitch though, that was the limit of my own awful teenage stage)

Minifingers · 07/02/2014 23:44

Care not an option because it is only provided when a child is at risk of harm. It's incredibly hard to get a teenager taken into care.

She has stayed at my mums, but my mum is very elderly, as is DH's mum. I worry about her stressing them out, which she would do - she has form for not coming home until hours after she's expected, not being contactable etc.

OP posts:

sus14 · 07/02/2014 23:44

The girl I knew used to physically attack her mum - most of her anger was aimed at her mum. I presume because, as has been said, mum is the safest place to direct this anger. I am no exper though, just sharing that as it does sound quite similar. She had older and younger siblings who were perfectly well behaved.

CouthyMow · 07/02/2014 23:54

Mini - I was / am in that situation. Currently DD is in temporary FC. Giving me a break, and refusing to have her home for a bit is the ONLY way I'm getting even a tiny amount if help from outside agencies.

It's so fucking hard when it's your own child behaving like this to you - if it was a partner, they would have been out on their ear in minutes. You can't just do that in the same way when it's your DC.

Post on the teenager's board - we don't bite!

CouthyMow · 07/02/2014 23:58

Mini, I had to refuse to have DD home, but it IS a possibility, at least for a short sharp shock time, to get emergency FC, but you DO have to have balls of steel to get it.

I've currently got a thread in teenagers - title : I'm Done.

PM me if you need to scream at someone. I REALLY understand how hard it is, and having DD in FC is the hardest thing I've ever done, but DS1 is not licking himself in his room, he's spending more time with me, he feels SAFE. And so do I.

TemperamentalAroundCorvids · 07/02/2014 23:59

Ah, might it be your posts I've seen Couthy? I recognise your name.

CouthyMow · 07/02/2014 23:59

Highly possible!

CouthyMow · 08/02/2014 00:00

DS1 wasn't licking himself in his room, he was LOCKING himself in his room, to avoid DD.

Flip

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.