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Tips for surviving emotional abuse please

(23 Posts)
Minifingers Fri 07-Feb-14 22:43:43

I can't LTB because the person abusing me is my teenage daughter. She bullies me, shouts at me, follows me around the house being verbally aggressive, name calls me, engages in character assassination, laughs at me, tells me to make eye contact when she's being verbally abusive then sneers at me when I won't. She is no longer (that) physical since we called the police twice following violent outbursts, but she physically intimidates me, shoves me out the way, throws my things on the floor. It is always done in response to me saying 'no' to her or taking issue with her constant lateness for school, complete failure to do ANY homework, rudeness to teachers.

I have 2 younger children. She's pretty hateful to them to.

Please don't suggest CAMHS, having her go into care, negotiating with her, punishing her, setting stricter boundaries. We have tried everything (apart from care - that isn't a possibility) and nothing works. We hope she will grow out of it, and if this doesn't happen she can move out at 18.

Until then I have to survive emotionally.

Do anti depressants help? What mental strategies can I use to stay strong?

TimeToPassGo Fri 07-Feb-14 22:58:31

Can you PM MaryZ? She is on the teen boards a lot and will give lots of advice about this situation.

So sorry OP.

TemperamentalAroundCorvids Fri 07-Feb-14 23:02:06

Would you be able to tell us her age more exactly? And how long has this been going on, and how long since police involvement? (I think you may have posted before, your story seems to ring a bell?)

You may think I am barking, but how about making eye contact, calm direct eye contact, when she next abuses you verbally. Notice what difference that makes.

sus14 Fri 07-Feb-14 23:12:17

I knew someone once whose teenage daughter was like this and she was diagnosed with aspergers. Worth a think?

Minifingers Fri 07-Feb-14 23:13:34

She is 14.

It's been going on for about a year, the hatefulness to me.

I feel like I have a stone in my chest.

sus14 Fri 07-Feb-14 23:15:23

She is still a child. She needs some help. There is something wrong surely?

Minifingers Fri 07-Feb-14 23:15:42

I am pretty sure she doesn't have ASD. And she's been seen by a consultant psychiatrist - no spectrum disorder or any other sychiatric issues.

Minifingers Fri 07-Feb-14 23:18:41

Help for what? She has nice friends, doesn't seem particularly unhappy. In fact as long as she's not being thwarted in any way she's pretty cheerful most of the time.

She's just abusive and disrespectful to me.

Minifingers Fri 07-Feb-14 23:24:24

I'm just looking for strategies to improve my ability to manage my emotions.

TemperamentalAroundCorvids Fri 07-Feb-14 23:24:37

Of course you do sad

You feel the love that anyone feels for their 14 year-old DD, and she has petrified that love.

At risk of being accused of cod psychology, may I suggest that rather like a toddler having a tantrum, it scares her that she can being overcome by rage and have the effect she is having. She needs you there as a rock that won't be moved by what she does, and loves her in spite of her behaviour.

IMHE it is rare for people with AS to show continued rage, but common for them (me) to have unexpectedly strong reactions and lose control of themselves. Regarding AS, it is common for people with AS not to look others in the eyes while talking; does anyone tell her 'look at me while I am talking' - perhaps at school? (Just wondering; not assuming she has AS, but considering the possibility in light of sus's suggestion.)

TemperamentalAroundCorvids Fri 07-Feb-14 23:25:24

oops *of course you feel like you have a stone in your chest sad

Minifingers Fri 07-Feb-14 23:27:36

I'm not a rock. I'm a human being and I feel like I'm being emotionally tortured. :-(

MonsterMunchMe Fri 07-Feb-14 23:33:54

Sorry you're going through this OP.

Why is care not an option?

A short sharp shock might be needed.

How about a stay at a very strict and authoritative relatives house?

Sorted me out as a teen and I was a vile nightmare. If my parents said no I f

TemperamentalAroundCorvids Fri 07-Feb-14 23:34:05

I meant rock as in a safe stable thing, as seen by DD.

I am so sorry for your pain.

MonsterMunchMe Fri 07-Feb-14 23:34:45

Sorry

*i flipped out. Going to stay with someone who won't take no shit from you because they don't have to is quite eye opening for this kind of teen.

TemperamentalAroundCorvids Fri 07-Feb-14 23:39:59

There is a lot to be said for MMM's approach. In fact, in days gone by it was common to swap care of teenagers with other relatives.

MMM has personal experience of this, and I knew of someone who improved quite a lot after a short spell in care at 15.

(I myself was a quiet depressed Asperger's swot - I once called my mother a bitch though, that was the limit of my own awful teenage stage)

Minifingers Fri 07-Feb-14 23:44:48

Care not an option because it is only provided when a child is at risk of harm. It's incredibly hard to get a teenager taken into care.

She has stayed at my mums, but my mum is very elderly, as is DH's mum. I worry about her stressing them out, which she would do - she has form for not coming home until hours after she's expected, not being contactable etc.

sus14 Fri 07-Feb-14 23:44:53

The girl I knew used to physically attack her mum - most of her anger was aimed at her mum. I presume because, as has been said, mum is the safest place to direct this anger. I am no exper though, just sharing that as it does sound quite similar. She had older and younger siblings who were perfectly well behaved.

CouthyMow Fri 07-Feb-14 23:54:26

Mini - I was / am in that situation. Currently DD is in temporary FC. Giving me a break, and refusing to have her home for a bit is the ONLY way I'm getting even a tiny amount if help from outside agencies.

It's so fucking hard when it's your own child behaving like this to you - if it was a partner, they would have been out on their ear in minutes. You can't just do that in the same way when it's your DC.

Post on the teenager's board - we don't bite! wink

CouthyMow Fri 07-Feb-14 23:58:28

Mini, I had to refuse to have DD home, but it IS a possibility, at least for a short sharp shock time, to get emergency FC, but you DO have to have balls of steel to get it.

I've currently got a thread in teenagers - title : I'm Done.

PM me if you need to scream at someone. I REALLY understand how hard it is, and having DD in FC is the hardest thing I've ever done, but DS1 is not licking himself in his room, he's spending more time with me, he feels SAFE. And so do I.

TemperamentalAroundCorvids Fri 07-Feb-14 23:59:04

Ah, might it be your posts I've seen Couthy? I recognise your name.

CouthyMow Fri 07-Feb-14 23:59:50

Highly possible!

CouthyMow Sat 08-Feb-14 00:00:44

grin DS1 wasn't licking himself in his room, he was LOCKING himself in his room, to avoid DD. sad

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