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Pls help me get over my ex..

(15 Posts)
honey86 Fri 07-Feb-14 21:55:16

I got back in touch with my sons dad after he sent a msg apologising for his behaviour.. We arranged contact in a public place so he can get to know his son.

He started telling me lovely things, he loves me, wants to marry me etc etc.

He had a gf that he claims not to love, and said he recently dumped her. Im not on his fb but she is, and he refuses to stop chatting with her saying he owes her money. He called me spiteful for saying i dont want her around if we're together.

One day he'll be all lovely to me and complimenting me, then he'll blatantly ignore me. His messages marked as read but no reply. I get angry n upset n demand to know what ive done to deserve it, then he has a go, saying im being nasty. It changes day by day. A few hours being nice, a day of cold shoulder, bitter row, cold shoulder, then lovely again.

Sometimes he'll act like nothings even happened. One day hes telling me how lovely i am the next its like im invisible. And if i confront him about it or the other woman he gets angry at me, says i show him the lovely side of me that he fell in love with then i get nasty.

Im so confused and upset and sick of crying its like a rollercoaster up down up down but its also addictive cos i crave the lovely side of him... Its like smoking a couple puffs of a fag then having it whisked away again...n its doubly hard cos we have a baby.

How can i break free from this? Its emotionally destroying me :'(

superstarheartbreaker Fri 07-Feb-14 21:57:21

He sounds abusive. The hot/ cold stuff is classic abuse. Steer clear but. Not easy if you love him.

honey86 Fri 07-Feb-14 22:44:04

My head is getting so messed up by it im so confused and anxious, i just dont know what hes going to be like on an hour to hour basis..
Is it even possible to get over someone when you have to see them via contact? he denies blowing hot/cold says i keep starting on him when i bring it up. Am i really in the wrong to expect his ex to go away when theres no kids or commitments between them? Ive got a horrible feeling that hes still seeing her behind my back it just dont add up. Its really hurting sad hes been on messenger and seen my msg but then went offline n switched his phone off. Im so upset i dont know what ive done to deserve this :'( x

superstarheartbreaker Sat 08-Feb-14 08:13:54

Hmmm. Be very careful. If he's seeing her don't touch him. If not mabe you have a chance.

Cabrinha Sat 08-Feb-14 08:24:01

Really, Superstarheartbreaker? If this arsehole isn't seeing the other woman, maybe they have a chance?!!!
Read the post!!!!!
He's horrible to her.
OP, no-one deserves to be treated like this.
And you do NOT accept less from a man because you have a child together, put up with it... You expect MORE.
He's deliberately being nasty to you.
Stop seeing him. If he insists on contact with your child, doorstep handovers only, no engagement with him. Or get a friend / relative / children's centre to help if child is too young to be handed over.
Forget this other woman. I mean - yes, he sounds like he's using her too. But you have good reason not to be with her despite her.
Never ever be with anyone who doesn't make you feel good. ALL the time, not just the occasional puff on a fag time.

clam Sat 08-Feb-14 08:33:45

OK, from what you've said, I can see a puppet (you) on strings being pulled by him. You are at his mercy, reacting to whatever mood he's in. He's nice: you're happy. He's horrible: you're pulling your hair out wondering what you've done.
Do you really want to live like that?
He's the father of your child. Therefore, limit all your dealings with him to those which facilitate them developing a good relationship. Accept maintenance for the child, preferably through the CSA so he can't muck you about there either, and DETACH from his mind-games.
And develop your self-worth and confidence so that you can attract a NICE, worthy bloke into your life who will treat you how you deserve.

something2say Sat 08-Feb-14 08:38:42

You cannot build a house on quicksand. It wouldn't last. That's what this man is like. How do you know what he'll be like from one day to the next? So he is not solid ground to build a foundation upon.

My advice to you would be to stop having constant with him apart from regarding child contact, and do not spend time with him. He doesn't love you, he is running two women at once. Nice men don't do that. He sees your messages and doesn't respond, probably because she is there or he is hedging his bets about who he wants.

Not good enough.

So stop engaging with him, in time you will feel a lot better x

cupcake78 Sat 08-Feb-14 08:40:37

Step away from him! Turn your back and walk away before it becomes even harder.

This is not being happy, this is being played with. He doesn't respect you if he did he wouldn't be hurting you do much.

There are people out there who will make you laugh and not cry. Who will not fill you with hope and then pull it from you in an attempt to break you over time (this is what he's doing to you and its working). Who will fill you with hope and leave you feeling amazing.

He's a drainer, he will suck all life out of you for his own selfish sick benefit.

Step away from the nasty, fake, abusive man!

LadyGardenersQuestionTime Sat 08-Feb-14 08:43:43

You can get over him by thinking about the cold hard horrible side of him. He is a nasty piece of work, stay away.

colinbutterfly Sat 08-Feb-14 08:44:54

He is emotionally abusive, most likely using the pair of you to keep each other in line, behaving how he wants you to behave. He is a dictator. My ex was like this. You need to get on the EA thread, read some of the links there. You might benefit from some reading or counselling. I have been through this - you have to kick this habit like an addict would deal with alcohol.

boomoohoo Sat 08-Feb-14 08:44:55

You sound like you have incredibly low self esteem to put up with this.
I second the detach advice. My ex dp was less cruel to me (tho, still emotionally abusive) and I have a strict drop/pick up at the door policy now.

Get some boundaries in place to protect yourself being hurt, get some good friends around you to lean on, and do get some counselling to build up your self worth. If it continues, your dc will learn from u both how relationships work, and u don't want that to be 'man is bastard, women puts up' do u?

Have some hugs. And keep posting for support too smile

honey86 Sat 08-Feb-14 14:17:17

Hi thanks i know your right deep down tho it hurts to even think about it... He msged me this morning all happy n chirpy n said his phones playing up. I replied saying no his phone was switched off n its making me angry n upset. He hasnt replied sad

EllaFitzgerald Sat 08-Feb-14 14:34:13

It sounds like he contacted you just at a time when you'd managed to get back on your feet, and now he's got you sucked back in again, he's gone back to being a total arse. I'd bet my house that he's still seeing the other girlfriend, and telling her that he can't stop talking to you because you'll stop him from having contact with your son. I expect she's just as angry that you won't let him move on to have a relationship with her. All the while, he's feeding you both a pack of lies and coming and going as it suits him.

I know from experience how addictive the nice side of a personality can be, so I also know you have two choices. You can carry on as you are and spend the next 20 years utterly miserable, with the odd moment of happiness when he decides to be nice, or you can break it off now and refuse to listen to any more declarations of love. If he loved you, he wouldn't treat you like this.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I know you must be feeling awful at the moment. I just don't want you to waste your life on some utter arse.

honey86 Sat 08-Feb-14 16:32:09

No offence take. Tbh i need a kick upthe arse. Hes back to being lovely again n i can feel myself being sucked in again blushembarrased to say... But my anxietys through the roof again cos hes question dodging sad i just feel like im never going to be happy wiv anyone, as not many good blokes out there who'll wana be wiv a lone mum of 4 sad x

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 08-Feb-14 16:45:09

I think you have to cut contact with this man if you're going to progress. It's understandable that you're lonely and that you want to be with someone but you have no chance of doing that while you keep letting this ex monopolise your time and keeping you dangling on a string. Massive waste of time and only a matter of time before he lets you down again.

So keep any communications strictly business-like about contact for your DS and spend the rest of your time making new (proper) friends rather than falling back on this old flame. You need to be happy in your own skin rather than relying on some bloke, good or otherwise, for your self-worth. Good luck

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