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He just won't admit that he has done anything wrong - what next?

(25 Posts)
Wishyouwould Fri 07-Feb-14 21:34:38

Have already posted this in AIBU a few days ago but I'm getting increasingly angry because he will not admit that he has done anything wrong - no apology, no remorse - and this worries me.

My STBXH got our DD to video him as part of a game involving alcohol last weekend. He was naked in the shower, DS provided him with a can of beer and a pint glass, he poured it and then necked it back. He then loaded this video on YouTube and then Facebook. Our DCs are 11 years old and he was the sole carer for them at this time. They are both in the video.

He just does not get how inappropriate this is. I asked him how he would feel if I had got our DD to video me naked in the shower necking back beer and then I posted it on-line. He said he wouldn't have a problem, I simply do not believe this. I told him to take the video off-line immediately or I would be taking legal advice which he did to 'keep the peace'.

I haven't slept since because he simply will not accept that he has been irresponsible in anyway and I am seething. I feel like I just cannot let this go because of his attitude. What would you do?

onepieceoflollipop Fri 07-Feb-14 21:37:04

seriously? I would seek legal advice with a view to leaving him. if I met you in a professional capacity, I would be seeking advice from children's social care to be brutally honest.

was this behaviour completely out of character for him?

wontletmesignin Fri 07-Feb-14 21:37:37

I dont think yabu. But i do feel the only way forward here is to move on.
If hes not going to accept he has been wrong, then there isnt much you can really do.

LaurieFairyCake Fri 07-Feb-14 21:39:07

What is wrong with that?

I agree it's inappropriate overall but unfortunately if you break down the incident it's not that bad:

1. I assume being naked around them as their dad is fine? That you have done too?
2. One can of lager? - so not bad either
3. Filming it as part of a daft game. - bad example to set to your kids but not worthy of calling SS

It's a bit shit but frankly it's just not bad enough to get really aerated about.

He's clearly a twat, which I assume is why you're not with him.

onepieceoflollipop Fri 07-Feb-14 21:40:16

how do the dcs feel about it?

Gladvent Fri 07-Feb-14 21:40:28

I would phone NSPCC for advice I think. It's utterly inappropriate and worrying that he doesn't see that. I really wouldn't trust him to be responsible for DC. What a bad influence.

VoiceoversSoundSmug Fri 07-Feb-14 21:42:49

I agree contact NSPCC.

Gladvent Fri 07-Feb-14 21:43:33

This neck nomination thing is more than just a daft game though - it's glorified binge drinking from what (admittedly little) I know - and giving 11 year olds the message that it's ok, is really stupid. (Although maybe they will shy away from anything their father sees as cool which is I suppose the only potential good)

Wishyouwould Fri 07-Feb-14 21:45:08

onepiece we have been separated for over a year, this happened at his place.

onepieceoflollipop Fri 07-Feb-14 21:47:04

sorry Wishyou, just realised you put STBXH.
very stressful and upsetting for you. I would see advice as others have said, this behaviour may be a one off? Or could escalate.

Coconutty Fri 07-Feb-14 21:47:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff Fri 07-Feb-14 21:53:42

You say STBXH, have you already got plans in progress to separate? Do you live together?

Wishyouwould Fri 07-Feb-14 21:58:48

Yes Coco

I am angry that he made our children take part in this idiotic game. If he wanted to do it fine but to involve them is so inappropriate. He has always had a problem with drink and haw said and done somw horrible things in the past.

Fairenuff Fri 07-Feb-14 22:00:54

x posts

AmberLeaf Fri 07-Feb-14 22:09:15

Stupid to do around the kids, but Im getting tired of hearing about neck nominination as though they are injecting heroin.

Fairenuff Fri 07-Feb-14 22:12:20

If he posted himself naked with a child in the shot, he is very, very silly and leaving himself open to all sorts of suspicions. You can report the post on facebook, don't know about youtube.

Wishyouwould Fri 07-Feb-14 22:18:10

He has deleted the video now Fair. I learnt about it from a friend who was disgusted. My DC mentioned that they have done a video with their Dad but didn't go into detail.

I have no problem with the kids seeing either of us naked btw but to get your DD to video you necking back beer while in the shower is a terrible example to be setting.

Wishyouwould Sat 08-Feb-14 10:47:53


Yes you are right, you can't compare alcohol and heroin.

There were 8,748 alcohol related deaths in 2011 and 562 heroin related deaths that year (morphine is also included in this figure).

I can't find more up-to-date figures but have read that alcohol related deaths are on the increase and it exactly this kind of idiotic game that promotes drinking alcohol in the most irresponsible way.

I agree that it was stupid to do around the kids, very stupid.

Inertia Sat 08-Feb-14 11:09:15

I think in the first instance I would ask to speak to the designated child protection person at your children's school and ask for their advice. I would be surprised, given the nature of the internet, if taking the video down has removed the only copy anywhere on the net ; if other people report that they have seen , or that the children have mentioned, that your children are in an internet video with a naked man, then the school / SS would be duty bound to investigate it.

Additionally, if he is this reckless when supposedly looking after the children, it may turn out that supervised contact is better for them in which case detailed evidence could be required.

JoinYourPlayfellows Sat 08-Feb-14 11:22:48

I think I would be seeking expert advice about this.

Teaching two children on the cusp of adolescence that it is acceptable to pour alcoholic drinks down their throats to impress other people is absolutely shocking parenting.

Wishyouwould Sat 08-Feb-14 11:32:31

Thank you Join Because my ex is so adamant he has done nothing wrong I am starting question myself!

What makes it even more disheartening are all the likes/comments that his video received on Faceback. I didn't see the comments personally but my friend who told me about the video did. So upsetting to find out that friends of mine liked and commented on his post.

OxfordBags Sat 08-Feb-14 11:32:52

It's not so much the content of the video (although it's totally disgusting and idiotic, IMO), it's the fact that he didn't think it was wrong then or now, that would make me angry and seriously worried. He must lack any sort of critical judgement about what is appropriate and acceptable, and about what is in the best interests of his DC. He is reckless, immature, irresponsible, has a worrying lack of understanding about, or respect for, privacy, boundaries and propriety, and has zero insight or remorse.

Inertia makes a depressing but important point - he might have also uploaded this video onto a FB group, or other groups and sites across the web. Or others might have done so, with or without his permission. Many people, without understanding the context, might see still from the video and think something sinister is about to happen. I really do think that his actions need to be logged with some agency, actually for his own protection. There's nothing wrong with kids seeing their parents nude in innocent scenarios, and showering is one of them, but some people could see these images and suspect or accuse the stupid man of all sorts.

Wishyouwould Sat 08-Feb-14 11:41:23

Thank you Oxford your post is spot on. These are 100% my thoughts and opinions.

AnyFucker Sat 08-Feb-14 11:57:47

Speak to NSPCC, love. Oxford is right.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 08-Feb-14 13:00:05

He just sounds like an absolute dickhead who shouldn't be left in charge of dc. I'm shocked that some people posting don't think it's THAT bad?! Wtf??

Binge drinking
Filming Naked?
Posting himself naked on line

How is any of that ok?!

He sounds like a total cock. I wouldn't want him around my dc

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