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Ex Fiancee died of heart attack last month

(11 Posts)
solitudehappiness Fri 07-Feb-14 21:04:42

Just found out ex fiancee died of a heart attack last month. I ended the relationship because of quite severe dv. Why am I so upset by this news? I've been crying since I found out. Remembering the good side to him, and feeling deep pain. He was hideous towards me in our last few months together. I received a lot of support on here and was encouraged to leave him due to the abuse.
I feel like going to his grave and leaving flowers. I'm also feeling so guilty and partly responsible. If we had still been together would he have died. I received a text from him a few months ago saying he was still grieving the loss of our relationship. I honestly feel devastated....

marmitecat Fri 07-Feb-14 21:09:31

I'm sorry for your loss and I hope you find comfort. Leaving flowers might help you say goodbye to the good side of him.

Unmumsnetty hugs.

myroomisatip Fri 07-Feb-14 21:10:58

Ah bless you.

I dont know what to say to make you feel better. I think death is (obviously) so final it is hard to deal with for any number of reasons.

If it makes you feel better then go and leave flowers on his grave. But dont feel responsible. You have your own life to live and you made your choices, he made his.


Jesuisunepapillon Fri 07-Feb-14 21:13:36

I think it's very understandable, it's a very human reaction to have. It's ok to grieve for the good bits of him, but you had every right to leave, in fact it's a good thing that you did. It wouldn't have ended any differently if you had been with him, other than you would have endured more violence.

Just give yourself time to be sad. There is no right or wrong with this kind of thing. In time you will come back to a more balanced view of him.

Want2BSelfemployed Fri 07-Feb-14 21:21:12

2-3 women die every week in UK due to DV. You had to leave as you knew it was not going to get better.

You are NOT responsible for your ex PHYSICAL health. He had a heart attack because his Blood pressure etc was high. How is this your fault?

Yes of course you cared for him and you are grieving but you are never responsible for someone elses phyical health. Please seek CBT etc to help you through this guilt you have if need be but YOU are 100% NOT RESPONSIBLE! Speak to someone in RL

FabULouse Fri 07-Feb-14 21:44:58

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

sykadelic15 Sat 08-Feb-14 00:46:44

I wonder whether what you're actually feeling is partly relief because he can't hurt you anymore and also partly grieving the man you loved that never came back to you.

The door has closed on that part of your life. You cared for him. I think going to his grave would give you a measure of closure.


solitudehappiness Sat 08-Feb-14 15:46:46

Visited his mother today and discovered funeral was yesterday. Visited the grave and left flowers. Found myself crying and saying why did you have to treat me so badly. Definitely closure, but feeling deeply sad. Am definitely grieving the nice side of him confused

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 08-Feb-14 16:24:51

If you're upset it's because you're a kind human being. You clearly want to believe people are good because you wouldn't have stayed with him as long as you did if you hadn't thought there was something worth persevering with. Please don't let his guilt-tripping text make you believe you are in any way responsible for his demise. He had opportunities to change his behaviour at the time but he chose to do otherwise. Sounds like you were quite right to get away before he did you more harm. Sorry for your loss nevertheless.

Lindt70Percent Sat 08-Feb-14 16:48:47

I think your feelings are entirely normal.

My sister's ex husband died last year at the age of 49. He was an alcoholic and his body just gave up.

We all felt really shocked. He'd been absolutely vile to my sister and had been a worse than useless father to their two children but we still all felt quite sad. I think it's remembering the young person in their 20s and thinking how badly their life turned out and that they ended up dead and alone when everything could have been so different. However, there's no changing the fact that he was very emotionally abusive and I suspect he was physically abusive to my sister as well. She's never really recovered from their marriage and has huge mental health problems now, problems I guess she was always susceptible to but I think being married to him accelerated her issues and made them much worse than they would have been otherwise. She still suffers from PTSD from being married to him.

My sister says she did feel sad to hear he'd died but also feels a huge sense of relief that she'll never have to worry about bumping into him again. His children say they don't really know how to feel as they didn't really know him and didn't have any good memories of him.

Make sure you remember all the bad times as well as the good ones and tell yourself that there was no way you could have fixed his life for him, he was the one that was responsible for that.

solitudehappiness Sat 08-Feb-14 22:13:06

It's so sad to think that he died a painful death. His mother said he was in a lot of pain and rushed to hospital. He died two hours after being sent home. Poor man. Yes he treated me appallingly and I was right to end the relationship. Tragic that at 47 he died. He had his whole life ahead of him. He had high blood pressure, was overweight and ate very unhealthily. I remember telling him not to eat so much and moderate his diet. But, I'm not responsible, and he chose not to listen.
When I was at his grave I almost wanted to brush away the dirt and stones and see if he really was dead. It still doesn't seem real.
Looking through the pamphlet celebrating his life from his funeral yesterday, is surreal. Filled with photos of him and poems etc. also part of me is relieved that he won't be able to hurt any other women, which may sound awful. He was such a Jekyll and Hyde character. I'll take away the good, but also remember the bad and the reason why I got out of the relationship in the first place. RIP D x

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