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DP & I sleeping apart - normal after new baby?

(11 Posts)
threeleftfeet Fri 07-Feb-14 11:57:55

DD is 9 months, and currently DP is sleeping in the spare room while baby DD sleeps in with me. This is not what we planned, but how it's worked out for one reason and another, the main one being that we all get more sleep this way. (I am BFing DD).

I just wondered what other people had done and how long you feel it's "normal" for your DP to sleep apart (if at all)? Should I worry this might affect our relationship or is it just to be expected with a baby?

FWIW we did it differently with DS, but we all got a lot less sleep!

Joysmum Fri 07-Feb-14 11:59:45

This isn't about what's normal for others, it's about what's acceptable to you.

Personally I wouldn't be happy with your arrangement and would look to wean off of this and go back to normal sleeping arrangements and only retreat to separate rooms when needed.

Yama Fri 07-Feb-14 12:02:39

No, it wasn't normal for us. Dh was a great help when I fed in the night. I would have got less sleep without dh.

JoinYourPlayfellows Fri 07-Feb-14 12:04:16

I wouldn't like this either, but I know other couples who have this kind of arrangement while there is a baby.

Do you feel it is affecting your relationship?

AdamantEve Fri 07-Feb-14 12:06:40

With my first DC I just got up with her in the night then once she resettled I got back in bed with DP.
With my second child, who is now 11 months, I have since he was about 6 months, started the night in bed with DP then moved to the spare room to co-sleep with DC when he wakes up.

I was finding it too tiring to stay wide awake with him twice a night while he went back to sleep as I also have toddler DC1 to look after. So this works for us in so much as I get some sleep. However I am keen to stop this soon as it feels like it's creating a gulf between DP and I, whether that's real or imagined I don't know! But I'm more than ready to share our bed for the full night now and get baby back in his cot!

If you and your DP are ok with it for now then I'd say the benefit of getting sleep is definitely worth it, in my opinion.

ipswichwitch Fri 07-Feb-14 12:07:48

We spend most nights sleeping apart at the minute - we start in bed together but I'm bf DS2 and DS1 has sleep apnoea and wakes so often through the night (often hysterical too) that DH ends up sleeping in with him. It's the only way we can all get some sleep.
When DS1 has his tonsils out his sleep should drastically improve so we can go back to sleeping in our own beds again!
Could your DH not just go to the spare room maybe 1/2 nights a week if sleep is such a problem? Or start off with you then move beds if the night wakings are too much? I know its difficult especially if he's getting up for work but there could be some compromise here.

RollerSkateKate Fri 07-Feb-14 12:12:32

It does create a divide but maybe you can discuss how each of you are feeling about this situation.
I did it with DC2 and it was miserable at times but meant DH was well rested and could support us all, which he did wonderfully. I've no regrets. We made sure to touch base frequently which helped enormously. We are now back to the way things were. It does depend on each individual relationship though.

Maybe talk to him and see how he's feeling atm?

BackforGood Fri 07-Feb-14 12:19:26

As everyone else has said, it doesn't really matter what anyone else does, but how it is affecting you.
Is there a reason why you can't both go to bed together, and then, if she is unsettled in the night, at that point you cane make the call as to if one of you sleeps the rest of the night in the spare room ?
dh and I always shared our bed, but on those occasions when whichever dc it was was really unsettled, then it was easier to get under the quilt in the spare bed in baby's room, rather than have us both awake, but we always started off in bed together.

SmileAndNod Fri 07-Feb-14 12:25:07

Could all three of you sleep in the same bed together (but following safe co sleeping guidelines)? Would that be an option?

BagOfBags Fri 07-Feb-14 12:25:13

We did this most of the time until DS was about 9 months, he had reflex and only ever settled when laying on one of us. We had a system when DH would have hold him till he wanted a feed then I would take over, then poor DH would get 1/2 a nights sleep on the sofa! It sounds mad now but it was the only way we could both get some sleep!
I think it's really about what works for you.

BagOfBags Fri 07-Feb-14 12:25:50

Reflux, not reflex!

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