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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

what do I do?

31 replies

HelloBoys · 07/02/2014 11:10

I will probably get leapt on here and told to LTB.

But here goes.

In 3 month relationship with new man. All seemed to be going well, intense, after a month he said he loved me and I love him.

He is adopted from age of 2. Doesn't have a good relationship with adoptive parents at all, they brought him up but no love lost on both sides. He now wants to look into finding his birth mother and feels abandoned. He also thinks this may be the reason why he can't take women back to his house (untidyness) which has been the case with me and his previous girlfriend before me December 2012.

He said last year he wanted me to visit, cosy nights in watching films and for me to stay over.

Last night we had a talk which turned into an argument as he now says he is very confused, withdrawn and sees work as his saviour. Now doesn't say he loves me although does when pressed.

I did say to him, what do you want me to do then? Leave you or stay with you. At first he wasn't sure (as to what his feelings would be after the adoption finding mother process) and then he said no he wanted me to stay with him. He got upset that I got angry over this and I said I appreciate his situation but wouldn't he be angry?

My heart says now - cut this short. My head says "that would be unfair and he's going through a rough patch".

I know what the vast majority of you will say - LTB but just wanted some more input. It's 3 months FGS but this was not a problem when we met and has only been flagged up last week.

OP posts:

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pictish · 07/02/2014 11:19

Why on earth would you settle for anyone who, at three months in, isn't delighted to have a chance with you, and who isn't sure whether he wants you or not?
Isn't that just a bit too shabby for you?

As for saying 'I love you' one month in....alarm bells are a-ringing - he doesn't even know you, nor you him! Infatuation is not love...particularly when he turns it on and off to suit his sodding mood!

Sounds to me as though he is using his past to lead you a merry dance, in which you'll forgive him any poor behaviour he decides to chuck at you because you feel sorry for him, and obliged to!

That's a vulnerable position for you to be in after three months don't you think? He holds all the cards already, and you are happy to be dealt a shit hand because he was adopted? How is that your fault, or your responsibility?

Run ffs!

pictish · 07/02/2014 11:21

And don't look back!

Overthinkerzzz · 07/02/2014 11:36

I agree, yes he is going through a hard time but he should perhaps keep that seperate from your relationship seeing as it is so new.

Tantrums and sulking this early on.....

newbieman1978 · 07/02/2014 11:36

Not being funny but this is Jeremy Kyle stuff!

3 months in and problems, a sane adult walks away and feels some sadness for a week.

amverytired · 07/02/2014 12:00

Didn't you post about this last week? You are going to get similar replies, stop thinking you can rescue him.
You can try as hard as you like - rescuing is for movies. Real life isn't like that. He will only change if he wants to.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 07/02/2014 12:03

Get out. Just get the fuck out.

You have to "press him" to say he loves you which is both of you in the wrong.

He got "angry" when you spoke your mind.

At three months in it should be easy and with no angst.

I don't expect you will take the advice though.

You deserve better, why don't' you believe it?

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 07/02/2014 12:16

You posted about this last week.

It's still the same situation - yesterday's talk has not brought any change or any new information.

Let it go. Continuing to agonize over every detail of this is pointless drama.

He is not available for a relationship. Accept it, move on.

HelloBoys · 07/02/2014 13:09

i will sleep on it and think it over.

Right now I am thinking dump.

A friend away from mumsnet said 'go with your gut feeling' which is to me saying right now 'get out'.

He's all withdrawing into himself and I GET he is sad, worried etc about being adopted but I just feel we'll stall.

I feel angry that he's told me he loves me (you can say that after 2-3 months I think) and now he either wants to go back on that or not.

I just feel FFS I'm 42 I wasn't looking for anything when I met him (though it was online but it was not a heavy dating site) and maybe I am better off single.

OP posts:

HelloBoys · 07/02/2014 13:10

The reason also why I asked for advice again was I heard half the story (didn't hear he wanted to find his birth mother) and didn't hear him say he didn't love me.

this was all cleared up last night.

OP posts:

HelloBoys · 07/02/2014 13:18

I am supposed to be going to my brother's flat tonight for dinner and staying over (as a way from my flat and long way from where boyfriend is).

Brother has heard a bit of this scenario (he is also a rescuer if that's what I am or WAS, he isn't now) and has said I should maybe not be so hasty and/or speak to boyfriend about it. I get the feeling the boyfriend doesn't want to speak about it.

I'm meant to be meeting boyfriend just before and going together to the flat - should I just meet him and do the dump talk? As I really think that that is the best way. I'm sitting at my desk albeit hungover and lack of sleep (which never helps) but upset.

OP posts:

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 07/02/2014 13:29

Nothing you didn't hear changes anything. This is going to be shit and your brother is giving you bad advice. Nothing to sleep on IMO.

HelloBoys · 07/02/2014 14:22

Toffee don't worry I will more than likely end it later.

but as you and everyone else here knows it can be hard to end things.

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pictish · 07/02/2014 14:43

Well...you may as well stick at it then, and become his emotional slave while he treats you like shit, blowing hot and cold, and making you toil for every nicety, as your self esteem hits the skids.
That would be much easier.

HelloBoys · 07/02/2014 15:03

pictish - didn't you read that I would be more than likely to end it later. do you want me to do it now? on the phone?!

OP posts:

pictish · 07/02/2014 15:16

You just don't sound very firm OP, that's all. I bloody hope you DO finish it...for your sake. x

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 07/02/2014 20:24

Why not on the phone?

mammadiggingdeep · 07/02/2014 20:44

3 months? No, no, no...this isn't good enough for you..is it?? Sad he's got a sad background story but really, this is not your problem. Telli f you he loved you after a month is a red flag in itself...by 3 months there's issues....nah, seriously, leave this one...

notundermyfoof · 08/02/2014 02:31

Have I got you confused with someone else or did you post recently that you were pregnant? Either way this man is bad news!

EllaFitzgerald · 08/02/2014 14:49

The reason your brother has advised you to hold off on ending things is because, as you've said, he is a rescuer. I'm sure he loves you very much and wants you to be happy, but do you really believe that he's the best person to be accepting relationship advice from?

Run. Run like the wind. And I'd say over the phone was the perfect way to end it. It's a 3 month relationship, he's already fallen in and out of love with you several times and I'd be surprised if he doesn't raise abandonment to try and guilt trip you into staying until he decides to end it.

HelloBoys · 08/02/2014 19:43

I feel stupid for saying this but we had a good night last night and really I'm going to see how it goes for now. If it gets hellish or mad then I'll end it.

OP posts:

MedusaIsHavingaBadHairday · 08/02/2014 19:45

Guess there will be another 'do I leave him' post in a week then...

HelloBoys · 08/02/2014 20:02

Medusa no one has to answer the post if I do post something.

What I find amazing is a lot of unqualified people are quite happy to cry LTB.

In fact rarely do I see anyone here say not LTB!

It's my life.

OP posts:

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ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 08/02/2014 20:15

It is your life and don't be afraid to come back for advice if he does abuse you again but be prepared for most of what you have already had to be told to you again. How many chances are you going to give him and a chance is only a chance when the badly behaved person is actually trying to improve things..

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 08/02/2014 20:16

What qualifications are there for telling someone they are in a bad relationship?

whitesugar · 08/02/2014 20:27

Lots of MNs are qualified enough to know when a relationship sounds truly shit. You don't sound happy. At 3 months you should be love's young dream having a blast shagging all day every day. If this is what it is like 3 months in what is it going to be like when things get tough. It already sounds hellish to me. I think I am qualified to say LTB as I did LTB but only when I was reduced to a wreck. If MN had been around then I honestly think I would have got out sooner. Keep reading your original post over and over until it sinks in.

Flip

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