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Disheartened and in tears...again...

(9 Posts)
toni74 Fri 07-Feb-14 10:14:18

Looking for some feedback as completely disheartened.

Married with two children one 5 year old and one 6mth old, and work with/for husband (admin in the office) supposed to be on maternity leave but have returned early (don’t know why probably because I get bored).

Anyway I feel my life is split into three areas, work (mon – fri), managing house (housework, laundry, shopping etc) and taking care of kids. Husband works really hard and very long hours but increasingly I feel I’m being left to cope with everything and have no work/life balance and also feel the only thing I’m measured against is work (I’ll explain later).

So my day is usually get up (having got up in the night to feed baby) make breakfast, grab a cup of tea, take baby to child minder whilst husband takes oldest to school, I return and then sort everything out e.g. clear the table, load the dishwasher, makes beds sort out bathroom etc etc. Have shower and then work in the home office. Pick kids up at 3, unpack school/baby bags get the tea on, make up school bags and school lunches for the next day, watch some tv get oldest showered and into pjs ready for bed and then bed around 7:30. Again wash up, make bottles up etc for following evening and night. In amongst all of these and usually on weekends I try to clean the house and get all the laundry and ironing done, clean shoes for the Monday and deal with the online shop.

Writing it down I should have more time to relax and do things but just don’t.

My husband will come in and have his tea and then will more often that not leave dishes out on the side, so the next morning (even though the dishwasher is ready to go ) I end up putting his dishes into the dishwasher etc. I do almost all the cooking and if i don’t want to its takeout, which I hate but if I ask my husband to cook it would have to be planned and arranged beforehand…why ffs

I’m so f***in tired of what I feel like is constant picking up and the amazing ability that i can multi-task but my husband cant, this might sound petty but my husband has baths and says oh I want a bath with the kids, but then I seem to have to get involved, taking them out and drying them off, I don’t know why he can’t deal with it and if I say no I get told I’m not being helpful… (Sorry its sound so petty but I get fed up that his idea, is suddenly something I sort out, same as swimming lets go swimming as a family but its me that’s sorts out the towels and the costumes etc.)

Our youngest goes to a child minder for three days so the other two he is with me in the office, but I think my husband just doesn’t have a clue, he’s usually very good and calm but If I suggested he sat in the office with him its oh no I can’t do that I have to do this and that.
Husband is currently working on a new project and i feel up to this point that I’m being supportive because off everything I do (as described above) allows him to get on with it, teas ready, clean clothes are done, children are taking care of etc but apparently he’s not after that support I’m also supposed to read his documents and spell check (all usually at night when I’m knackered) and help him with ideas. I just feel like my life is drowning is his…when we see family and you ask how work is. Family usually ask how is and the business not how I am…I feel like I’ve lost my identity…

I had a really good job several years ago but left when pregnant and thought working alongside husband would be great but I sometimes hate it (like today as we’ve had an argument about nothing again, someone called this morning and i was supposed to call back but crawled back into bed as have a cold, but planned to call later this morning, because of this apparently i don’t listen…this is what I Feel Im measured against), and I’m just finding it increasingly wearying to be told I’m doing something wrong or not what’s asked, im thinking ive a cold, I want to stay in bed not just call someone back.

I’ve no idea why I’m typing all of this other than I keep breaking down in tears (even as I’m typing) my husband is a good bloke but lives in a bubble (which Ive told him many times) and I’ve no problems supporting him but I increasingly ffel I can’t do everything, but having told him to pick up and look out for stuff (eg if there’s pile of clean clothes take them upstairs), he just carries on as normal, My husband thinks what I do in the office shouldn’t take too much time, but I think that’s because someone else (a man did it for him several years ago) and told him it should only take a couple of hours a day, I think it would if I wasn’t running everything else and could pop out later in the evening to type up documents, but when you’re getting tea on and bathing kids when am I supposed to find the time? I feel at the moment that this is my life week in week out and the weekends are spent getting ready for the next week, we're not doing anything as a family and I’m just knackered and I’m constantly tired and my husband is fed up of hearing this from me , apparently his on eggs shells around me (probably).

I’m a really poor talker and bottle everything up, so I usually have an outburst when things come to ahead…can anyone just advise me how I get the balance in my life right, I’ve often told my husband I’m quitting just to get some balance right, trying to find the right time to talk about the day’s work is a nightmare, over the table or in bed arhhh…I’ve thought about looking for another job but at the moment nothing would work with childcare and it is so easy to walk from the house to the office, I just need some advice on how to say that’s work done, and then focus on house stuff so the two don’t get mixed up but also tell my husband so start taking things on (having already told him its fallen on deaf ears) I appreciate I’m to blame for a lot this (I think its something a lot of women fall into the trap off) but I don’t ever remember agreeing to play happy homemaker, wifey and work! (but somewhere this happened)!

Just as a thought when Ive been out and my husband is left with the kids, when I return he always says I don’t know how you do it… but then I think that’s not the half of it you haven’t cleaned the house or had to do anything else other than watch/look after the kids…as I’ve made sure everything else was done… we also have a house fairy again it’s a joke but wearing thin…

Its a really long ramble and not as painful as some of the situations that other’s face on this forum, but I just needed to sound off and come up with a plan ty, im also probably exhusted and emotional as I get up several times in the night for the youngest...

emblosion Fri 07-Feb-14 10:45:22

Sounds to me that you need to create a better separation between work and home. If you are running backwards and forwards no wonder things are getting missed.

could you allocate specific times to work stuff - so you're in the office for say 2/3 hours in the morning focusing solely on work and everything has to be done in that time. You could maybe have another hour in the evening if needed.

If you're sick you are sick but in the nicest possible way if you were working anywhere else you wouldn't be able to go back to bed, you'd have to have a lemsip and get on with things or hand over your work to someone else. So if you're not going to promptly call a client back you need to tell your husband so he can do it.

WRT housework etc perhaps be specific about what you want your husband to do? Eg. Please load the dishwasher/empty bins/organise dentist appointment s etc. If you've always done things it will take a while to get into a new routine.

Would getting a cleaner help? Can the kids get involved too?

You sound burned out and fed up and I don't blame you. Sounds like something has to change...

toni74 Fri 07-Feb-14 11:50:28

Thank you for reading my post, it's good to get things off my chest. I like the idea of doing half a day in the morning and then returning for an hour or so in the evening.

Xenadog Fri 07-Feb-14 12:00:32

Print your post out and give it to your husband to read.

You sound worn out and at breaking point and you need to communicate with your husband about what it is you are feeling. Only then will the pair of you be able to come up with some solutions that give you a better balance to your life. He clearly is happy going on merrily as he is (why wouldn't he?) but he needs to step up at home and also be realistic about what you can and can't manage. Maybe a cleaner would help but I think the two of you need to sit down and properly talk.

This isn't just your problem toni it's your husband's as well because if you burn out who will hold the family and the business together? He needs to look after you a bit more.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Fri 07-Feb-14 17:06:03

Good suggestion from Xenadog, print out your post and let your husband see it in black and white. When he's read it, ask him he would feel had he written it... then tell him what you want to change. Prioritise those things, ie. most important first.

Bogeyface Fri 07-Feb-14 21:26:16

I agree that you should show it to him (but not the replies, he is going to get incinerated!)

Or write a timetable of your day compared to his and see what he says to that.

Have you ever asked him to do more, or told him how you feel? Because it sounds like you have ended up doing things because he doesnt and havent actually made an issue of this before. If you have brought it up, what did you say and what was his reaction?

PS I dont have the day you have and I have never made a bed in my life other than on linen changing day grin

Bogeyface Fri 07-Feb-14 21:32:29

I just read that you are not a good talker, neither am I so I sympathise.

H and I do emails now. When there is a big issue that I just dont know how to talk about, I write an email and send it to him when I wont be there (either at home or work) so he can read it, digest it and then we talk when we are alone and have time. It stops the big explosions that create a screaming row and doesnt resolve anything, which is what happened before.

Maybe an email containing the points you made above, but also including how you feel that things could be changed to make things better. Specific things such as him loading the dishwasher after dinner every day, given that you cooked the meal. And of course you have evidence in the case of "You didnt ask me to do that!" which I had the first few times I emailed H wink

toni74 Tue 11-Feb-14 11:08:43

Just a quick update, have spoken to husband about helping etc, but will need to give him clear instructions and be less emotive when he's not done something. But there is an event at Excel in a couple of weeks I'm looking at attending all about work/life balance! wink

Needadvice5 Tue 11-Feb-14 11:15:03

Sounds like normal household/family stuff to me but you're maybe feeling worse as you work from home.

However, I would definitely get hubby on board to help you more, he sounds hands on with the dc, taking them to school etc but needs to tidy up after himself.

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