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How can I improve sex life with dh?

(240 Posts)
lollyj2 Fri 07-Feb-14 07:36:40

We've been together for three years, married for almost two and since almost the beginning, sex has been a bit of an issue.

I have always had quite a high sex drive and when we first got together we'd have sex quite often.

A few months in, however, it started to tail off, which left me feeling a little hurt. Things came to a head when we moved in together, we had sex regularly for the first couple of weeks, I didn't think anything of it, but one night, dh thew an almighty strop, got angry at me, said couldn't he go to bed just to sleep without being pressured into sex. I didn't realise I was pressuring him. So I backed off.

Sex has always been very one sided. I am not allowed to initiate anything, as he told me it puts him under pressure, so I wait for him. Usually, it's once a week/every ten days when he's in the mood. He never engages in any foreplay, the most he will do is jab his fingers in me for a few minuets (TMI, sorry) until it hurts me so much I just get on with it and have sex to get it over with. He also looks so bored when he's touching me, most of the time he is staring at the telly, so I stop him to stop myself getting upset. Most of the time, I will give him a bj, touch him, kiss him - in part to try and turn myself on so that sex isn't painful, but mainly because if I didn't, sex would just be me on top until he comes.

I have never had an orgasm (not just with him, but with anyone) but I am ashamed to say that I learned many years ago just to fake it so as not to dent a mans delicate little ego.

He never undresses me, I think he's only ever seen me naked a handful of times, which makes me feel like crap.

I have tried everything, dressing up, sex toys (which he laughed at me while using, said I looked ridiculous), not asking for sex, asking for sex (If I ask can we have sex tonight/tomorrow I either get 'oh yeah, of course" and then it doesn't happen, or I get told "if you behave" which makes me feel terrible).

I have tried talking to him so many times. But he either tells me to stop slagging him off (I don't I approach it in a nice way) or he's nasty and tells me that he just doesn't want sex a lot, he'd rather go on his computer.

Oral sex is another big issue. It's the only thing that feels nice to me. When we first got together, he said he liked doing it. Then after a couple of months he stopped, so I left it. A few months later, I asked why he didn't do that to me anymore and he got angry saying he hated it, hated the taste and smell. Again, I felt like shit. He does it sometimes, but again, the other day, same thing. Had him shouting at me saying he hates it, what man could ever like doing that to a woman etc. I've posted about that on here before, and I got told by many 'stop giving him oral sex then'. But if I don't, like I said, sex is just him literally putting his penis in me.

I think he has a really unrealistic view of sex due to the amount of porn he used to watch. He hasn't watched it since we were together, but he openly admitted it ruined his sex life with previous girlfriends, which is why he stopped. His views on sex are very much pornified, all to do with the mans gratification.

I really love him, and I am desperate for some sort of connection and closeness. I don't know what to do. If I try and talk to him, he gets angry and there is a huge argument.

This is my second marriage. I was married to someone else for 9 years and that was totally sexless. For different issues, but I basically didn't have sex for the entirety of my 20's and all I want is a normal sex life.
He thinks we have a wonderful sex life - well, he does. He only gets sex when he wants and when he does I am so pathetically grateful that it's all about him.

I thought he might be gay at one point (I asked him outright, he said he wasn't). He seems to hate my genital area. Hates pubic hair, I have to shave everything off, to the point where I get huge, painful cysts where I get ingrown hairs. It's horrible and painful. He seems to hate my body and I hate my body too now. I've lost all my confidence and I have become so embarrassed about sex. It's now got even more painful as I just tense up and because I have tried so hard to kill my sex drive over the past year so that I don't get frustrated, I find it hard to get turned on. So now it's mostly horrible.

Sorry this is so long, I just don't know what to do anymore. I've tried talking, but how do you talk to someone who just gets angry and defensive?

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Fri 07-Feb-14 07:41:49

Oh you poor thing.

I don't think you can improve your sex life. It takes two and your dh is not interested in changing.

I feel sorry for your situation, you are right to feel hurt- he sounds fucked up.

somedizzywhore1804 Fri 07-Feb-14 07:44:00

I don't often jump on the LTB wagon but really- what on earth are you staying for?

If he "hates your genital area" this really makes me wonder about his sexuality tbh. Is sexual/couples counselling an option?

I'm really sorry and feel sorry for you but he's eroding your self confidence and for what? Some crappy sex on his terms, when he feels like it? You can't go on like that for the rest of your life.

Matildathecat Fri 07-Feb-14 07:44:51

Sorry, this sounds absolutely awful.

I'm not being flippant but you say you really love him...why? What could he be doing that makes up for him humiliating, degrading and dismissing you so cruelly?

I can't see this changing. I'm sorry but I would think you have to decide if you want to continue with this marriage.

ArgyMargy Fri 07-Feb-14 07:46:16

He does seem quite damaged. I cant imagine how a straight man is so averse to a woman's body. I think he needs therapy but don't know how you would get him there. Hope things improve for you. hmm

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Fri 07-Feb-14 07:46:55

I was going to say that dizzy but thought it might be a bit much ;)

He certainly doesn't sound 'lovely' - he sounds like a pig.

lollyj2 Fri 07-Feb-14 07:47:39

He's very loving outside the bedroom. He's always holding my hand, telling me he loves me, hugging me.

I have a son from my first marriage and he is wonderful with him.

Our only issue is sex really.

ROARmeow Fri 07-Feb-14 07:49:28

You have been trying your best, and for that you are a gem.

I read your OP with my mouth open in shock. He sounds horrible. What's the rest of the marriage like?

The 3 biggest things that jumped out at me:
1. He fingers you while watching TV. Fair enough if that's erotic for you both, or if the TV show is hot, but it just sounds mechanical and half-hearted for the both of you. What would he do if you tried to move his fingers, to show him a way you like it, that didn't hurt?
2. He spends lots of time on his computer. What's he looking at? More porn?
3. The shaving off the pubic hair thing. Horrible that he 'hates' hair and 'hates' your body. No way on earth should you be forced to shave off your pubic hair to the point where you get sore spots there. Let it grow to whatever shape and length you want. If he love you then he should be gracious enough to not let it be a big deal.

It sounds like a terrible situation, very far from a healthy sex life.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Fri 07-Feb-14 07:51:21

It's not 'only sex' though is it? It's intimacy, it's esteem, it's feeling desired, it's your body image, it's your relationship bond etc, etc.

He is weird and if he gets angry when you talk about it you have zero chance of changing it.

MrsKent Fri 07-Feb-14 07:55:50

Unfortunately most of the time when sex is the issue it is not the only issue but the deeper problem is easier to hide outside the bedroom...
Also, I think from your posts there are serious communication issues, you have tried telling him your sexual life is not pleasurable and he either doesn't get it or doesn't care... That's a big issue.
How do you solve problems that are not sex? Do you usually talk about them? Do you argue? Does he get his way?

oldwomaninashoe Fri 07-Feb-14 07:58:23

Leave now, it will never get any better only worse, and your self esteem has taken such a battering it will take therapy to recover. There are plenty of others out there who are decent and would enjoy a partner who enjoys sex.
Please do not waste any more time it is not worth it, think very seriously about seperating.
(My first H was like this, I sympathise)

Ilovexmastime Fri 07-Feb-14 07:59:44

I'm sorry op, but your dh sounds horrible. So what if he's loving outside the bedroom? He's making you feel abnormal and shit. Can you really spend the next 20 years or more living like this? He has issues obviously and if he really does love you then he should be willing to talk about them and try and sort them out.

gamerchick Fri 07-Feb-14 08:01:37

Christ you poor thing.

This is a huge problem and virtually unfilled.. its very hard to change a man's view of sex and I'm afraid this would be a deal breaker for me.

I could say sack of sex altogether and get yourself a rabbit or rabbits ears (which are truly awesome) tell him you don't want see anymore because he's shit at it and just sort yourself out. But the intimacy part is so important to a healthy and happy relationship that you'll just end up hating him. It WILL impact the rest of your relationship eventually.
And stop shaving your pubes off.. you don't have to do that.. is he afraid of woman or something?

gamerchick Fri 07-Feb-14 08:01:56


NumptyNameChange Fri 07-Feb-14 08:03:32

please keep a close eye on his interactions with your son.

feel free to call me names but i have a horrible gut feeling about this situation.

ExcuseTypos Fri 07-Feb-14 08:07:02

The way he talks to you is horrible. It sounds like he doesn't even like you nevermind love you.

Many couples have sex issues, but they try to sort them with patience and kindness. It seems to me that if you try to sort your issues he gets angry and says something nasty to you. You deserve better than this.

MrsBucketxx Fri 07-Feb-14 08:09:58

If you really want to save things and not jyst say ltb. Is show him what you have written. If he wants to take things forward he has to take your feelings into account.

The repulsion of your body is a worrying sign, stop any initiation of sex and get some counselling, separately and together.

Only when you have done this you mught have a chance.

In the mean time get yourself a rabbit, or vibrator, lube lick the door and enjoy yourself.

FourAndDone Fri 07-Feb-14 08:13:20

You poor thing. Can you try and guide him with your hands and show him what feels nice?
I wonder if his attitude and the way he speaks to you is because he is embarrassed? He doesn't sound like he knows what he's doing at all. This doesn't give him any right to treat you like he does, pp's are right he sounds awful.sad

YouStayClassySanDiego Fri 07-Feb-14 08:13:27

He has laughed at you when you've tried to turn him on with toys etc.

Sex is ok for him if you behave, what the fuck!

He is callous, how long do you envisage living with this situation?

Mellowandfruitful Fri 07-Feb-14 08:13:43

He is treating you very badly. All the stuff about 'what man would want to do that' is rubbish. He is saying it to be deliberately hurtful. When he says I love you outside the bedroom, in your shoes I would find it hard not to say 'I don't believe you given how you behave in bed' or 'For someone who loves me, you're very hurtful'. Could you tackle that? He seems to think such gestures outside the bedroom make everything all right and he needs to understand how bad all this is.

EirikurNoromaour Fri 07-Feb-14 08:18:44

He's horrible. Sex isn't the only issue, it's his entire attitude to you. He's wrecked your self esteem, controls your sexuality, belittles you and doesn't give a shit about any of it. He's not nice or loveable. His issues run way deep and you've already tried so much - what else do you think we could suggest? Apart from serious, long term therapy for him?

Fairenuff Fri 07-Feb-14 08:25:48

I'm sorry but this is an abusive relationship. There is no way you should be treated like that. It doesn't matter what he is like the rest of the time and tbh I very much doubt that he is any better.

A man who loved and cherished you would not treat you like this, even if he never wanted sex. This relationship will carry on like this, or get worse. That's it. That's your choice, more of the same, or worse.

sebsmummy1 Fri 07-Feb-14 08:27:48

NumptyNameChange - are you alluding to thinking he is a child abuser? That's a pretty serious insinuation, particularly since the OP has giving no information whatsoever on her sons relationship with her husband bar the fact he is a good father.

lollyj2 Fri 07-Feb-14 08:28:28

Sorry I am coming back. I need to take ds to school and then go to the dr, but I'll be back later.

This thread is proving helpful already, thanks all so much.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi Fri 07-Feb-14 08:56:55

I could cry reading your op lolly

This is not a standard sex issue, this isn't about differing sex drives or finding a compromise, this goes way way beyond that

He absolutely cannot love you or care about your well being at all,because if he did he wouldn't be able to treat you so awfully. You love him right? Could you even imagine treating him the same way? If you didn't like giving him oral sex would you shout and scream at him? Tell him his body was revolting, that you hated it? I'm guessing the answer is no because you wouldn't want to hurt him. He hurts you with his 'foreplay' he doesn't make sure you're ready to be penetrated so as not to hurt you and he sure as hell doesn't care if you enjoy it or not, does any of that sound like someone who loves you and wants the best for you?

Sex can often be a difficult thing in a relationship, usually with a bit of effort and compromise it can be worked through. For that to happen here would take full personality transplant and/or a lobotomy for him because he clearly despises your body and doesn't care about you at all, and you are worth so much more than that

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