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I have my friend here in tears re her dps behaviour - who is BU?

(79 Posts)
30SecondsToVenus Thu 06-Feb-14 19:16:17

I'm not quite brave enough for AIBU and this is more a relationship topic.

My friend turned up about an hour ago (an hours drive from where she stays, I was shocked to see her) very upset about an argument she has had with her dp tonight. I have asked her if she would like me to ask for advice on here for her and she has agreed, I hope it doesn't confuse things because I'm writing it on her behalf

Background - she has been with him for 9 years, they have 6yo twin boys together. He is a bit of a twat with a drink in him. Very flirty, forgets he isn't single and acts like a teenager. They rarely go out together, he goes out every Friday and Saturday night with 'the lads'. Recently, he has been staying in more and helping more because of the arguments they have been having. He has taken responsibility for his unreasonable behaviour and is trying to make amends. He had an affair about
2 years ago with a woman he met in the pub. She knew fine well he was married and obviously so did he but they started a relationship anyway. My friend found out, they split up but after counselling they decided to move house and start fresh.

Her dp has been invited to a house party tomorrow night in a town 15 miles away from where they live. There is no public transport home after 8pm,its quite rural. He only told her about it tonight and she said that it wasn't really fair etc. She had a look at the event on Facebook (her dps friend had made an event with everyone who was invited displayed) and it turns out the woman he had an affair with will be there.

My friend is very upset that her dp would even consider going to a party when his ex ow would be attending. Especially a house party.

He said he is going and he will be staying over but nothing will happen with ex ow he won't even speak to her etc.

My friend is the first to admit she doesn't Trust him 100% anymore and she definitely doesn't Trust ex ow.

Is she being unreasonable asking him not to go?

I'm trying my hardest to just listen and not give advice but I am so angry with him and can totally see where she is coming from.

Neutral advice would be amazing thank you all in advance

AngelaDaviesHair Fri 07-Feb-14 13:07:34

He's only half-married, if that. He has a social life set up to exclude your friend; he had an affair, and expressed remorse but didn't actually make any of the kinds of changes one would expect if he truly regretted it; he's now doing hurtful things designed to give him the opportunity to cheat (overnight party where lots of married people meet up without their partners? Ahem). Your friend is more nanny/housekeeper than wife really.

Her options are put up with it or tell him to leave. I can't see that trying to get him to make changes will work, because it doesn't sound as though he wants to make changes.

ChippingInWadesIn Fri 07-Feb-14 00:47:53

'Get home' pfft. She did exactly the right thing switching off her phone.

Be prepared ... If anyone remembers my threads you will know I've been through similar recently... for him to use you and your situation against you, to tell her that you just want her to 'be like you' and that 'the grass isn't greener' etc.

I really, really hope she is strong enough to kick him out.

YellowTulips Fri 07-Feb-14 00:27:29

Get home....really?

I guess that's because he is missing his usually Friday night haunt.

What an utter knobhead.

If I was your friend I wouldn't go back until Sunday. She needs to start seizing control from this disrespectful asshole.

On Monday I'd be at the Solicitors, come home, change the locks and dump his crap on the lawn (whilst praying for rain).

Happy she has some (wonderful) RL support in you OP thanks

Fudgeface123 Thu 06-Feb-14 21:55:36

If he has to go, and I don't think he should, why couldn't he get a taxi home? It's only 15 miles away, not the the other side of the country

CookieDoughKid Thu 06-Feb-14 21:42:26


This manchild needs to be brought down a notch or two. Outrageous to think he can go by just asking night before. Utterly wtf kick him out to the kerb for even THINKING it be ok to go with OW. being there.

Please please show him this thread. Because I'm thinking he has completely lost his way or what is or isn't acceptable anymore.

Make it clear to him.

Zero tolerance.

feelingvunerable Thu 06-Feb-14 21:39:52

I agree with everyone else, your friend deserves so much better.

rainbowsmiles Thu 06-Feb-14 21:29:20

What an utter prick.

AlfAlf Thu 06-Feb-14 21:20:43

If this was my dh I would think:

1.He has no regard for my feelings or our relationship whatsoever.

2.Why is he friends with someone who invites him but not me to their party? His friend is clearly a wanker, birds of a feather, etcetera..

3.He can fuck off to the far side of fuck and when he gets there he can fuck off some more.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Thu 06-Feb-14 21:02:47

He is acting like a single man.

Theoldhag Thu 06-Feb-14 20:59:29

I would advise your friend to sign up to mn, make an exit plan and get rid of this 'man'.

One day when she has found all the bits of her psyche that this 'man' has hacked off from her, she will find someone that will treat her with love and respect that she deserves.

piklepants Thu 06-Feb-14 20:46:20

Definitely dump him. What's the alternative? Spend every wknd doing everything by herself wondering if and when the next affair will be? She deserves much better. Tell her that! Show her she shouldn't put up with it

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Thu 06-Feb-14 20:42:34

She needs to leave him whether or not he goes to the party. For her DCs' sakes as well as for her own.

LilyBlossom14 Thu 06-Feb-14 20:40:44

she should have got rid after the first affair - I bet there have been others. She needs to get rid of him yesterday. Hope she realises she deserves better.

KingRollo Thu 06-Feb-14 20:40:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twighlightsparkle Thu 06-Feb-14 20:38:56

So sorry your friend is going though this.

Honestly, I can't see this ending well.

This must be hard for you, but I think she needs to ak him to choose which lifestyle he wants.

AnyFucker Thu 06-Feb-14 20:37:52

OP, you sound like a great friend

AnyFucker Thu 06-Feb-14 20:36:31

"Get home" ???

get to fuck, knobhead is the only sane response to that, then turn the phone off

SoleSource Thu 06-Feb-14 20:35:42

Who is he with every Fri & Sat night? huh?.....

TippiShagpile Thu 06-Feb-14 20:34:12

How old is he? 19?

Out every Fri and Saturday night?

A "house party"

Can't get home.

Pathetic. Truly pathetic.

Run OP's friend, run.

SoleSource Thu 06-Feb-14 20:33:35

Of course it isn't the party. The fact he doesn't give a flying fuck about respectful boundaries and how his disgusting suggestion might make you feel is the deal breaker.

"Get home" who the fuck does he think he is?

Get home so he can go to the pub?

Hmm yeah right....

Maybe say you are going out on Saturday with children, stay out all day hope he fucks off to party then throw the fuckhead out!!!

Inertia Thu 06-Feb-14 20:31:36

Sorry cross posted with your update.

Glad your friend is considering her options. You sound like a great friend.

Redoubtable Thu 06-Feb-14 20:30:24

As above- dump, and consider herself well rid.

At some point (hopefully when she has gotten rid of the waste-of-space), she's going to have to ask herself, where or how she learned that she cant do better than this. She needs to have more value on herself.

Oh and if she wont do it for herself, ask her to consider that her children are growing up seeing that it is ok for a man to treat, and a woman to be treated, like this.

Inertia Thu 06-Feb-14 20:28:35

AF is right that actually going to the party isn't even the deal breaker. The issue is that he fully intended to spend the night (in at least the literal sense, and possibly also euphemistic sense) with the OW and lie about it to your friend. The intention is the deal breaker.

shoom Thu 06-Feb-14 20:27:57

Good update, maybe some time away from him will help. Has her self-confidence taken a bashing while with him?

KingRollo Thu 06-Feb-14 20:26:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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