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I have my friend here in tears re her dps behaviour - who is BU?

(79 Posts)
30SecondsToVenus Thu 06-Feb-14 19:16:17

I'm not quite brave enough for AIBU and this is more a relationship topic.

My friend turned up about an hour ago (an hours drive from where she stays, I was shocked to see her) very upset about an argument she has had with her dp tonight. I have asked her if she would like me to ask for advice on here for her and she has agreed, I hope it doesn't confuse things because I'm writing it on her behalf

Background - she has been with him for 9 years, they have 6yo twin boys together. He is a bit of a twat with a drink in him. Very flirty, forgets he isn't single and acts like a teenager. They rarely go out together, he goes out every Friday and Saturday night with 'the lads'. Recently, he has been staying in more and helping more because of the arguments they have been having. He has taken responsibility for his unreasonable behaviour and is trying to make amends. He had an affair about
2 years ago with a woman he met in the pub. She knew fine well he was married and obviously so did he but they started a relationship anyway. My friend found out, they split up but after counselling they decided to move house and start fresh.

Her dp has been invited to a house party tomorrow night in a town 15 miles away from where they live. There is no public transport home after 8pm,its quite rural. He only told her about it tonight and she said that it wasn't really fair etc. She had a look at the event on Facebook (her dps friend had made an event with everyone who was invited displayed) and it turns out the woman he had an affair with will be there.

My friend is very upset that her dp would even consider going to a party when his ex ow would be attending. Especially a house party.

He said he is going and he will be staying over but nothing will happen with ex ow he won't even speak to her etc.

My friend is the first to admit she doesn't Trust him 100% anymore and she definitely doesn't Trust ex ow.

Is she being unreasonable asking him not to go?

I'm trying my hardest to just listen and not give advice but I am so angry with him and can totally see where she is coming from.

Neutral advice would be amazing thank you all in advance

KingRollo Thu 06-Feb-14 19:35:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Madlizzy Thu 06-Feb-14 19:35:54

He's not a bit of a twat, he's a complete twat.

meditrina Thu 06-Feb-14 19:36:28


It would be better if he had spotted for himself how utterly inappropriate it was for him to accept this invitation. But even when he had been rather dim, once the matter had been brought to his attention, he needs to apologise for his thoughtlessness, get out of the invitation and plan something nice to do with his DW.

If he doesn't realise that his affair changed everything, and that he must never be in touch with the OW again, then the reconciliation is faltering.

mammadiggingdeep Thu 06-Feb-14 19:36:34

I got as far as 'he's out every Friday and Saturday with the lads' before I thought LTB!!!!!!

Seriously- you didn't need to post this!!!!?! He's a totally selfish cock!

If he was my p I'd be telling him if he goes- not to come home...

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Thu 06-Feb-14 19:36:39

It's really simple (though I appreciate not easy, especially with children) - she needs to dump him.

He's not good enough, probably never was, definitely never will be if he thinks this is ok.

No need to deconstruct at all. It should simply tell her all she needs to know.

Do you think she will consider leaving him?

30SecondsToVenus Thu 06-Feb-14 19:37:02

Thanks everyone she is quite upset and I'm going to let her stay here tonight until she is thinking straight. Her dp is off work tomorrow so he can deal with their dcs tonight and tomorrow (they are off school, Scotland holidays)

He is being a twat and he would be staying overnight at this party. The sad thing is, her dp is 39 and it's for his friends birthday. A few drinks and a carry on in the house. You would think they were 16. There is lots of people invited but my friend wasn't invited. Her dps friend seemed to invite just one half of every couple, mix of male and female half. He is married but goes out on the pull regularly. Says it all really.

She has had a wake up call tonight and I can see her heart breaking. I'm going to be here for her tonight as a sound wall and I have plenty of wine and cuddles when she needs them. I know what it's like to be in her situation. It's not nice when you realise a long term relationship has ran it's course sad

30SecondsToVenus Thu 06-Feb-14 19:38:09

Should add that i am making sure she knows that leaving him is an option and I will be here for her every step of the way.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Thu 06-Feb-14 19:38:18

She is not being unreasonable at all to not want him to go. He should decline. The fact he hasn't makes it appear he doesnt have much if any respect for your friend at all. But then given his past behaviour it's hardly a shock.

The fact he didnt mention this woman would be there at the same party and your friend had to find out that important information on the dreaded fb makes me very suspicious of his motives.

She should dump him. Easier said than done I know but she deserves better.

cupcake78 Thu 06-Feb-14 19:42:37

I agree with the people who say if he's going to cheat on her he will. I can almost promise you he has again since the last time.

He hasn't changed his behaviour at all. He's kept your friend 'sweet' so she doesn't suspect.

I know men like this and they all do the same thing. Keep the wife and kids happy and they won't suspect. It's the 'but babe I love you, why would I risk what we have' syndrome.

He will go out and shag about. The drink has no effect on this its just another excuse.

He sounds awful!

YellowTulips Thu 06-Feb-14 19:43:06

I wouldn't even say "if you go to the party don't come back" because the fact he's even considered it, never mind said he intends to go, says to me he's faithless, untrustworthy, uncaring fucking scumbag cunt faced asshole whose ONLY redeeming feature is giving your friend this wake up call to get rid. angry

Yama Thu 06-Feb-14 19:46:01

This 'They rarely go out together, he goes out every Friday and Saturday night with 'the lads'. ' This is the bit when I first wondered why on earth your friend is with this man.

The rest is awful of course but if she doesn't realise this man treats her like she doesn't matter then she is likely not to see her own reasonableness.

Uptheanty Thu 06-Feb-14 19:47:25

I can't believe she has to ask?

He's a complete arse.

If he was my dp and he went- he wouldn't be coming back.

Fairylea Thu 06-Feb-14 19:47:41

I agree with the previous poster who said they got as far as "out every Friday and Saturday" before I was thinking Ltb. He's behaving like a single man.

Of course he shouldn't go to the party! Why the fuck would he deliberately choose to upset his wife by agreeing to go apart from anything else?

Utter utter cock.

ChasedByBees Thu 06-Feb-14 19:48:21

I think LTB is appropriate here. He obviously doesn't give a damn about anyone else but himself and its not exactly a one off.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Thu 06-Feb-14 19:49:54

Yup to the above. Forget the party. Doesn't matter if he goes or not. What's happened so far says it all. She can do so much better, you get ONE life, tell her to STOP wasting it with a slime like this!

The important stuff. They're not married I take it. Do they own or rent? Does she work? How is the money organised and does she have full access? If renting whose name is it in? Tell her to get all important documents together even if she's not sure what to do yet.

Does she have support - family, friends close by, the type who will be able to help with childcare, moving, even money to get her sorted if she leaves? Ask her about these things, get her thinking about HOW she can leave as well as why she should. Because she can.

SoleSource Thu 06-Feb-14 19:51:11

Chuck him out whilst he is at the party. Take control. If you tell him of your plans you won't feel control. Stay with 30Seconds as long as you can, pick up the children on Saturday, do not speak to him and then on Saturday night bag his stuff and leave it outside. Change ALL of the locks..

ChippingInWadesIn Thu 06-Feb-14 19:51:27

Leaving him in not 'an' option, it is 'the only option' if she wants to have a happy life and if she doesn't want her twins to think this is how men should treat women.

I hope you can help her to have the courage to do it. She wont regret it.

He didn't tell her OW would be there. That says it all.

And I bet the sudden change, staying in at weekend and helping out, we're just to get brownie points built up so there would be absolutely no reason he couldn't go.

He's planning to do it again.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Thu 06-Feb-14 19:58:09

He cheated on her which is bad enough but he is just treating her with zero respect. People don't do things they want to do if it causes their husband/wife upset. Think on, Op's friend sad.

shoom Thu 06-Feb-14 20:02:12


cupcake78 Thu 06-Feb-14 20:03:41

Definitely planning to do it again. I hope your friend can see this!

EirikurNoromaour Thu 06-Feb-14 20:04:58

He's a total knob and probably always will be. She needs to ltb.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Thu 06-Feb-14 20:06:16

Fucks sake. LTB.

In fact if he goes to the party, it's super easy. Tell him not to come back, and change the locks.

Logg1e Thu 06-Feb-14 20:06:22

God, yes. I'd let him go to the party and then text him not to bother coming back.

Nanny0gg Thu 06-Feb-14 20:07:45

Every Friday and Saturday?


An invitation to a friend's birthday party without his partner?


Wanting to go without his partner?



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