Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Dp has upset me....

(54 Posts)
Only1scoop Thu 06-Feb-14 16:46:34

Recently my birthday and I was upset to see dp scurrying out of the house to get a last minute card and gift on the morning.
Meanwhile our dd 3.5 was opening my cards with me and said "mummy I havn't got a card for you" and was a bit upset. So we sat and made one together. Dp comes back like bedraggled rat from the rain. Takes dd upstairs proceeds to wrap gift and write cards.
We have had a tough end of year and l expected a little more thought....I'd have loved him to take dd to buy or make a little gift and card....not rush around on the day.
Last year on my 40th he did the same....naff bad taste card.
He does work away quite a bit, but certainly has time to organise. This is someone who use to spend hours choosing cards/gifts.
He did book last minute theatre tickets but I just didn't want to really upset me.
Yes he is great in so many ways....childcare, housework etc. He has apologised....but he did the same last year, so it just doesn't wash with me.
I know I'm being overly sensitive aren't I?

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Thu 06-Feb-14 17:35:34

I have form for this.

I'm indecisive anyway and birthdays just send me into a frenzy of 'what'll I get?' So then I do nothing til it's too late.

I think I'm quite nice the rest of the time tho.

Only1scoop Thu 06-Feb-14 17:57:29

Great replies everyone thank you. Seems i'm not alone in the odd birthday dissapointment....I feel much better getting it off my chest....

Jan 45
Yes my 40th....did feel a bit sad when the 'national trust membership' came 3 days late <with free gardening gloves though>blush
....not knocking NT love all that stuff but thought I might have got a wee bit of bling instead....

Theoldhag Thu 06-Feb-14 21:23:11

How are you feeling only? I am sorry that your dp behaved in a thoughtless way thanks, it is understandable that you feel hurt by his lack of effort, foresight and feeling towards your birthday. It isn't much to ask is it? A pretty homemade card with some heartfelt words and a little special gift to symbolically show you that he cares.

You have every right to feel upset, he should have put some time aside before your birthday to focus on a wee something just for you. Not a last minute afterthought.

SweetiePie0 Thu 06-Feb-14 21:39:44

I received a wind up torch and travel mug from the garage for my birthday - was very upset to say the least, but let it go.... Months later on his birthday, he opened up 5litres of engine oil and air freshener from the same garage - he gives my gifts a lot more thought these days!!

Only1scoop Thu 06-Feb-14 21:42:16

The....thanks for understanding....yes just a tiny bit of thought would have been nice....

Sweet....that's really funny I bet his face was a picture grin

Logg1e Thu 06-Feb-14 21:51:33

Did you remind him it was your birthday? I'm not excusing his thoughtlessness, but if it's important to you for your daughter to be involved and to have some little, thoughtful surprises you could remind him a couple of times the week before.

In April I would be tempted to wake up on his birthday and explain you'll be buying his card and making one with your daughter in time for him getting home that night.

Only1scoop Thu 06-Feb-14 21:54:39

Logg....yes he did know friend in NZ had sent flowers which came the fri before <birthday was Sunday>

I will be doing that in April good idea grin

Logg1e Thu 06-Feb-14 21:58:48

But had you said, "It's really important to me to open cards and a couple of thoughtful token gifts on the morning of my birthday because it makes me feel cherished"? Did you spell it out to him?

Only1scoop Thu 06-Feb-14 22:03:58

I didn't spell it out to him. I think he knows after my 40th last year did the exact same thing then....I was quite upset by it then to be honest....
Always the most thoughtful man in the world ....until last couple of years....

Logg1e Thu 06-Feb-14 22:12:22

Well, you can either clearly communicate or you can expect him to read your mind and continue to be upset and let the resentment grow.

Theoldhag Thu 06-Feb-14 22:16:43

How has it been between you both these last couple of years?

Only1scoop Thu 06-Feb-14 22:27:43

It's been ok ....we just kind of tick along. Never really get out together. Just a bit in a rut I guess. I have sat down and talked to him about a few things and we are both keen to try and make things better.

Finney2 Thu 06-Feb-14 22:41:03

Logg1e you expect the OP to give her husband advanced notice of her own birthday every year? Surely the date is, well, the same every year?!

She's told him it's important to her by being upset last year (and FFS she shouldn't have to actually tell him that he shoukd make sn effort for her birthday) and he's basically ignored that.

Theoldhag Thu 06-Feb-14 23:03:34

I wonder if the two of you would benefit from having some different and fun experiences together, re-connect in a inner child kind of thing. Bit like team building, paint balling, treasure hunts, I don't know, something that will encourage playfullness between you. Get out of that rut, but he needs to make an effort too.

Only1scoop Fri 07-Feb-14 00:40:21

Yes probably do need a bit of fun....even though spontaneity goes out of the window when you have a dc I know this isn't healthy. Good point.... Thanks

SolidGoldBrass Fri 07-Feb-14 01:01:21

Some people just aren't very bothered about adult birthdays, at least if they don't have an 0 at the end. Does he expect a fuss to be made of his birthday?

CouthyMow Fri 07-Feb-14 01:19:22

SGB, it shouldn't matter if HE isn't that fussed by Birthdays - it's important to the OP, and it matters to her. To show your life and care for someone, you pay attention to the things that THEY find important, even if they wouldn't be so important to you...

May have issues about Ex becoming more and more useless about my Birthdays having previously been really good, which evidenced the fact that get had mentally 'checked out' of the relationship, and what mattered to me was no longer important to him...

CouthyMow Fri 07-Feb-14 01:19:54

Show your life = show your love.

Monty27 Fri 07-Feb-14 01:24:35

It doesn't matter if they're not fussed about birthdays, they're probably fussed enough about other stuff. But dw and dm of dd is a different thing, who clearly is hurt by this.

OP, I know where you're at. sad


BlodynRose Fri 07-Feb-14 02:13:18

How is your relationship. Does he tell you and show you that he loves you?

Only1scoop Fri 07-Feb-14 08:39:09

Thanks for replies....
No I don't think he expects a fuss over his birthday....certainly didnt want a fuss made of mine, just a tiny bit of thought.
Generally relationship just ticks along.

GlitzAndGiggles Fri 07-Feb-14 08:45:02

A couple years back my dp had to go out for the morning on my birthday and I had naff all to open. When he got back he went in the cupboard where the cleaning products are stored and told me my cards there. I asked why and he said because he thought I would've gone in that cupboard that day shock. Yes cleaning is what excites me on my birthday, love

Quitelikely Fri 07-Feb-14 08:51:08

I don't get a present and sometimes buy my own card if it makes life easier for my dh. It's no biggie. Yeah it might be nice if he sorted it himself but its not a deal breaker for me.

You have so many positives in your relationships so if I were you I would focus on them.

Joysmum Fri 07-Feb-14 09:57:56

I think this might be because his birthdays aren't that important to him. This is something I had when in the early days of my DH.

The only way is to explain how special it feels to you for him to celebrate you (as birthdays are to celebrate the person, not the day) once a year, and how hurt you feel when he doesn't.

From that he should do something because making you happy is his job as your husband, even if it's not his thing.

Overthinkerzzz Fri 07-Feb-14 10:22:43

I can definitely understand why you are upset. Your daughter was upset that she didn't have an opportunity to give you a card.

And I can't imagine ever forgetting my partners birthday. It's one fucking day. A day to treat your loved one so yes, I would be pissed

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now