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long distance relationship and kids, struggling

(18 Posts)
scoobydoonot Thu 06-Feb-14 14:02:09

I've been seeing a lovely man for around 6 months. We both have kids, mine live with me and usually stay the night at their dad's twice a week. Dp's live with their mum, and stay at his twice a week.

We live 1.5 hours away from each other and usually see each other for the two nights per week when my dcs are at their dad's, unless one or other of us are busy... We always have a great time together, and keep in touch between times with lots of texts and the occasional phone call.

The problem is I miss him too much when he isn't here. I hate when he has to leave. I love my life with my dcs, we are very settled where we are, lots of family and friends around...but really I would like to see more of my dp, wake up together more often. Dp can't move til his kids are grown, as he wouldn't be able to have them stay on school nights etc. and because of his work, which is fair enough and understandable. I would consider moving closer to him (not in with him), but not for at least a year, and even then i'm not sure i'd want to. I would need an extra reason I think, like a better paid job... don't want to uproot my kids for a man!

It's less than a year since stbxh left, so it is too soon for dp to spend a lot of time here with the dcs, staying over etc. although he has twice recently. I wasn't going to tell the dcs about him for a good long while, but they found out accidentally, so I introduced him properly and he stayed for tea and a sleepover twice, a month apart. The first time was fine, satisfied the dc's curiosity. The second time, not good, my eldest didn't want him around and made that very clear! So, for now, sleepovers when my dcs are here are out!

I guess i just want to know if anyone else has been in this position or if anyone has any ideas for how to feel less... alone?

I think I am missing the security of living with someone. We will not be in a position where we can live together for the foreseeable future, and i'm struggling to cope with that. Lately, whenever he leaves I feel bereft, and it is ridiculous!

1983mummy Thu 06-Feb-14 14:49:39

I've had/have the similar thing going on, except the frequency of our meets are more apart due to the days we have our dc and his commitments.

I let myself go with the flow but found myself naturally planning a future in my head. Everything about him is what I want from someone and in a way I could see myself moving to London to be with him. However I then realise that I would be taking my dd away from her father and family, all for a man id never been able to have an actual proper relationship with - so I wouldn't have been able to try before I buy so to speak.

It's easy to get swept up in a relationship like this when you are a single parent who is the resident parent, because you probably have more time to think, if that makes sense.

I came across a website called baggage reclaim and it helped me realise that what me and this chap have is not a relationship that will work.

It's easier said than done but I would knock things on the head to save heartache and complication later, or just enjoy it for what it is, whilst guarding your heart...but then I don't know you. Feel free to PM me tho grin

scoobydoonot Thu 06-Feb-14 15:03:06

Thanks for the reply 1983. Even the thought of knocking it on the head makes me cry! I don't think i'm any good at guarding my heart... I'd just like it to work out and it's not going to anytime soon.

Thing is, he seems perfectly happy with things the way they are, it's just me who is getting upset. I did end it for a few hours a month ago (after the sleepover which didn't work out) but then I missed him so much. We decided to carry on, but keep it fun, don't see each other's kids etc. it's not working.

I love him, and can't imagine finding anyone else who I click with, and he says the same. It's just the distance and i'm not sure I can take the heartache...

piklepants Thu 06-Feb-14 15:15:10

Think u need to lay it on the line to him and say what you've said here. I don't think u should move at all though as like you say he's very casual and needs to show some sign of wanting to commit to u too. I can see why someone said end it. I have been in similar situation and believe methe man will not change you will never be his priority is that ok with u? Or would u rather find somebody's open to having a relationshipst may actually work out. I didn't end it but maybe should have although wouldn't have my lovely kids if I had:-/

Jan45 Thu 06-Feb-14 15:37:14

I don't think you need to end it but perhaps accept this is the way it is for a while, six months is still the honeymoon period so it's natural you feel sad when you part company.

You could perhaps start up the monthly sleep overs in a few months time.

Seeing him twice a week isn't so bad, you can actually phone each other and have conversations that way too!

You sound more keen than him tbh if he's happy with the way it is.

Jan45 Thu 06-Feb-14 15:50:27

Also, you are way ahead with the living together, it's only been six months, enjoy living with your kids and pleasing yourself for now.

scoobydoonot Thu 06-Feb-14 16:05:56

pikle, agree, think i need to tell him how i feel. Think he knows though, but knows there's not a lot we can do. maybe chatting about it would help.

jan, that's the thing, i need to just chill out if we are going to carry on! I'm not thinking of living with him, i know i can't for years! He is very realistic and accepting of the situation, so i did think he wasn't that bothered about me, but he was devastated when i wanted to split up. He is a very calm, laid back kind of guy. I love that about him, and i love that he isn't pressuring me to move closer, which is the only realistic way to see more of each other.

I want to just enjoy it, but my stupid head is just so upset about the lack of an easy future.

Jan45 Thu 06-Feb-14 16:15:46

Cross that bridge if, and when you come to it.

scoobydoonot Thu 06-Feb-14 16:37:52

ah you sound like dp! repeat to myself: need to chill out...
I like to have a rough plan for my life. maybe need to forget that for a bit

1983mummy Thu 06-Feb-14 17:48:18

He sounds like my guy who is also kind of good at keeping things casual - saying he doesn't want a relationship, yet treats me like a girlfriend wanting me to be there for emotional support etc and doing boyfriend like gestures to me. The fact that we live so far apart allows me to distance our lives and he isn't integrated in mine. Because of that even at six months i have feelings for him but certainly don't love him.

scoobydoonot Thu 06-Feb-14 19:32:10

1983, that sounds tough. Are you going to continue seeing him? I think if one of you wants a relationship and the other doesn't, it is going to end in tears...but maybe it suits you for now? You sound more casual than me!

My dp does very much want a relationship, talks about how we have a long-term relationship going on now, and he says he loves me - I know I love him! I didn't set out looking for anything serious, didn't really think i wanted a relationship, but now i want more. I think he likes what he has now...

I still have the distance that you have with your guy, and no integration like you say. It's as though he is a totally separate aspect of my life, and it feels wrong.

hermionepotter Thu 06-Feb-14 22:01:46

OP I think you may be being a bit premature here, and that your expectations are coming more from what being married is like, rather than what dating is like.

You've gone fairly quickly from marriage into dating but they are different things - after 6 months I wouldn't be expecting too much integration with dating anyway, so I don't think even if he lived down the road that you should be spending all your time together.

I know people have different expectations and time frames from relationships, but as someone recently divorced with kids (are you even divorced yet?) a relationship like this which gives you some space could imo be a very good thing. Take the time to work through your divorce, the fact that you're a single mum now, and building up your own social life/hobbies/friends so that you're not wholly dependant on a relationship

scoobydoonot Thu 06-Feb-14 22:19:12

Sounds like good advice Hermione. I know you are right. I really miss the togetherness of marriage. Even though stbxh and I were not ok together, I still crave the security and homeliness (is that the right word?) of it.

I am not divorced yet, but getting there.

I'd like some emotional distance from dp so it doesn't hurt so much, but don't seem to be capable of that. I wanted to casually date, get 'back out there' sort of thing, but have really fallen for this guy.
It probably is a good thing that he is far away, so I can't rush into anything full on. It hurts that I can't see him more though.

scoobydoonot Thu 06-Feb-14 22:22:38

Stupid question maybe...but what is dating supposed to be like?

smileyforest Thu 06-Feb-14 22:38:43

Hello
I live just over an hour away from my partner...we have been together for 2.5 years now...and met about a year after I separated. (divorced now).tbh...I understand how you feel but also as time goes on and the relationship goes through different stages you will become comfortable and more accepting of your situation. You are in 'honeymoon' stage and its all so wonderful, We both have teen kids and due to jobs and teens there is no way I would want to live together and we both appreciate that now and are realistic to our situation. I am probably older than you and can't really see us getting together until all the teens are settled and left...that could be retirement time for us!!!lol! I enjoy the separation now....and need to time to really get over my very difficult marriage too. We are committed...OK financially it is hard but that is no reason either to set up home together....enjoy the time....it will come around when you both know its right to be together...children must be priority...it can cause a lot of heartache and stress combining families. smile

hermionepotter Fri 07-Feb-14 14:30:29

OP dating is meant to be fun smile
getting to know each other, finding out about each other and having special times, building up memories etc. Sometimes it'll work out and sometimes it won't. It's a lesser level of commitment than marriage - you may have agreed to be exclusive though as in your case.

Don't know if it'll help but I used to think of it as a spotlight - turning it away from my married life, my ex, onto me as a single person. Yes you're in another relationship now, but take time to get over your marriage. I found a book called 'the healing journey through divorce' helpful - it's quite practical iirc
thanks

Monetbyhimself Fri 07-Feb-14 14:46:15

Slow down. You were only single for 6 months when you met this guy, and now another 6 months in, your child is unhappy about his presence and you are day dresming about moving your whole family to be nearer him.

Brakes firmly need to be applied here.

scoobydoonot Fri 07-Feb-14 21:04:45

Smiley, your set up sounds good, think you have a lot more patience than me!

Hermione - dating=fun, got it! We are having fun, and I should chill out.

Monet, thanks for that, I know, and I'm not going to rush into moving anywhere. Daydreaming about moving is keeping me going a bit, but, agreed, too soon.

Thing is, where I'm living now, my income is limited so a future move is very likely to be necessary in the next few years, before I spend all our savings on rent and we are forced to move. I'd rather make the choice. We have to stay where we are til 2015, which is a good thing.

After that, I either need to get a better paid job locally (extremely unlikely) or move near to a bigger town/city. I guess I'm trying to tie it all together with the new man, and that's jumping the gun a bit!

I want some stability, and a plan for the future. I guess I'm going to have to get used to my plan being full of uncertainty

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