Name changed semi-regular. Where do I start?
DP of 13 years was being a bit odd in the lead up to Christmas. Buying clothes too young for him, ordering a new car that was way out of his price range, zoning us out when he was at home i.e. walking around with his headphones in. He works away from home a lot and he works really hard and I knew he was under a lot of stress for most of last year. He was grouchy and had a few medical issues to deal with but he never made me feel unloved, always hugging me, telling me he was happy, telling our son that he loved me and that he should be happy his mum and dad were so affectionate (DC would often be shoving his fingers down his throat in mock horror). We have the one child who DP's doted on since the minute he was born.
The flip side to his former self is that he seemed to be constantly stuck in some kind of teenager mode and has always had the belief that he can do what he likes in terms of going out, boozing until he's sick, spending a fortune on designer clothes - yes he earns a lot of money but frankly, his attitude when pissed is appalling. His behaviour did cause problems from time to time as I felt he was being disrespectful to us. He had a tough upbringing but I believed that he wanted the best for his Son and I truly truly felt very loved. He doesn't always deal with confrontation in the best way and he could be brutally mean (verbally) and selfish when ever I raised my issues with the way he was behaving at given points over the years. Obviously, the financial side of things was concerning me recently because for everything I was earning in my part time job, he was spending on himself and it felt like all my money was going in the supermarket and his was going on posh jeans.
So it was a shock to find text messages between him and a work colleague who is 22 years younger than me. They were flirty and he was really being some person I didn't recognise trying to impress her. I had asked him days before if there was someone else because of the way he'd been acting and he told me that my mistrust was ruining our relationship. Of course, I didn't buy that because my instinct was telling me otherwise deep down, but I just didn't believe that he'd ever do anything like this until the obvious changes in behaviour towards my Son and I.
I asked him to leave our home as he was being an obnoxious prick in front of our child when I found the texts. I thought we'd have a good discussion about it when the heat was out of the situation but it seems he just doesn't give a shit and he just ran off to another city to be near to her. He told me that me finding those texts was the best thing that ever happened to him and he feels 'alive'. He's said he never loved me. He told our Son that he just wasn't happy at home which I was livid about - to our Son he was always happy fun-loving Dad and actually, I felt we were a loving secure happy family unit too. I thought that though he was under a lot of stress, he was fine as I asked him plenty of times in the lead up to this.
It turns out she's back with her ex and has never had any real interest in him as relationship potential. Of course, that's made him come sniffing back my way from time to time over the last couple of weeks. He's refusing to do mediation until he's ready. I've asked him if he wants to reconcile and he won't say either way. One day he's gushing about what a great life we had and how he's lost everything for nothing, that he never wanted or expected us to split up and the next he's as cold as a wet fish and treats me like I'm shit for even trying to hold a conversation with him.
I have no idea what to do. I've taken all the legal advice I need so that if he continues behaving like a reckless madman then we're protected. I'm trying to separate from him in the best way without the courts etc. because I'll come out of it better off - his financial proposal is very generous, but very much on his terms and my only worry there is that he won't stick to it if the young bird he's got in his mind decides that she's up for a wealthy older sugar daddy after all.
I just feel like I've been living a big fat lie for the last 13 years. I feel stupid for trusting someone so deeply. Of course, my career went months after I returned from mat leave and there's not really any chance of me going back to that I've been out of that industry for so long. I have to sit and watch him winning awards and professional accolade after accolade, and see his bonus go up in smoke all the while wondering what the hell I'm going to do to even attempt to retrain and get something fulfilling for myself between now and retirement.
He's not back from this work trip for a month and I'm confused. I loved him very deeply. Our Son is obviously really upset and I'm having to constantly defend his father and not bad-mouth him when he's so angry. I'm making sure all his needs are met and in truth, I'm still trying to keep their father/Son bond going when he should be doing that himself. My Son doesn't want to speak to his Dad either when he calls to speak to him, often from different time zones. He says he wants his Dad to come home and that he loves him and hates him all at the same time. In truth, that's exactly how I feel. My Son is definitely my priority and I don't want to compromise his future which is why I've held off grassing him up to his boss for attempting to screw the crew (a big no no in that organisation) and why I've not contacted her and given her the gobfull I'd so love to. She could've at least shagged him for leading him on. I know it's all his fault but she knew full well we existed before she accepted his invitations. They went out a few times before I found out and were together every night until she got back with her ex who also works for the same organisation. She was using my ex to win hers back I think!
Anyone here any good advice on how to deal with ex DP? I'm scared to cut him off and just do the cold clinical court situation because I've tried that and frankly, it makes him worse...he told me he'd default on the mortgage and our home is in both our names - I have no hope of meeting the mortgage on my current or even a good predicted salary on my own. He has also said he'll continue to pay our Son's school fees and he's really happy in his school - it's a good constant for him at the minute. The thought of me doing anything rash to compromise our financial security is like torture...but then the way he's behaving is also like torture. I'm very tempted to tell him to shove it but my family are telling me to hold my tongue and be patient.
Even today, he's told me he's not ready for mediation yet and I just have to wait...either for him to 'snap out' of his bloody crisis or for him to decide he wants to reconcile. How does one stop thinking about such a bloody horrible man? I love him, yet hate him. I want him back one minute and the next I just want him gone.
He plans on staying here after this work trip because he hasn't yet found his bachelor pad. To be honest, I need his financial help and so I'm not going to say no. That sucks.
Sorry for the essay....any wise words greatly appreciated. Please go easy...I'm all over the place myself!
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Midlife Crisis? Or just a knobhead???
Rightallalong · 06/02/2014 13:57
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