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mil problems(15 Posts)
I posted a few weeks ago (nn teaandtoastplease) about finding out dh had been having online affairs (he messaged almost 500 women, gave his mobile number out, had sexual conversations and sent and received sexual pictures) he begged for another chance. I said I couldn't make any promises but that I would try.
pil were initially very supportive of me and to use their words they were disgusted by his behaviour and couldn't understand how he could behave like that.
over the last couple off weeks mil has been a bit off with me. She has said I am being unfair to dh (because I allowed him to buy a new sofa-which we agreed meant nothing was fixed and that if we split I would make the payments) and that I am not nice. I let this go over my head although it did hurt me.
I had a conversation with fil on tuesday and he mentioned some work we were planning to get done in the kitchen. I told him it had been put on hold until I'd made a decision about our marriage as neither of us could afford the work if we split up. This conversation was relayed to dh. and fil also told mil.
my mum rang pil to ask if she could borrow something and mil said she thinks I'm out of order the way I'm treating dh and that there's no way I could cope on my own with dc. she brought up my mental health difficulties (post natal psychosis and ongoing psychotic depression) and my epilepsy and said she is very concerned that I wouldn't manage the house,bills and kids on my own. I take this to mean I am an unfit mother and that dh is around to make sure the kids are 'safe'
my mum obviously defended me and said she had no such concerns as I have been symptom free from psychotic episodes for almost a year and am now well medicated for my epilepsy. the conversation was left at that.
Should dh say something to his mum? I feel so angry and offended that she has thrown my past problems in my face. I understand he is their son but they were 'on my side' over his behaviour and I don't understand how I have become the 'bad guy'. I have been very clear that they would have exactly the same child access if they wanted (this was to reassure them as sil doesn't let them see her kids). dh also knows exactly where he stands with me, there has been no brushing under the carpet etc.
maybe I am being unreasonable or reading too much into things. I see my psych nurse tomorrow so she will probably give me some perspective but I wondered what anyone else thinks about the situation.
sorry this is so long
I can understand why SIL does not let then have access. Your husband needs to speak to her.
thank you for your reply autumn I am worried I am over reacting. I still have difficulty knowing what is a 'normal' response to thingsx
She is starting a process of minimising what your DH has done - I can see the 'blame' for what he has done also being shifted to you by way of your MH problems - he needs to nip this in the bud now ! And I'm very often someone who would say ignore a bit of crap for general harmony but there is more behind what she has said if not direct intent
Sounds like she's worried that her son's marriage is over and is desperately trying to find reasons for you to keep him. Doesn't make what she said any less outrageous though.
Your marriage is none of her business. Your mental health even less so (pity your husband didn't think about it if its such a concern ).
I would stop discussing things with them and get him to tell them to butt out.
Be grateful that you now know what they are thinking.
Should you decide to separate, I would recommend explain their arguments to your solicitor so that he/she can nail it straightaway.
In the meantime, I would not engage.
She knows his behaviour was bad, but now she wants you to "get over it already" so that she can carry on with the comfortable family set-up she is used to.
Don't tell PIL anything about your process, your feelings, etc. They've got their own agenda here: for the boat not to be rocked.
If you can, see if DH will also agree to keep them out of your marriage problems - relaying no info, etc.
Mostly just avoid and ignore. Focus on yourself, on the headspace and things you need for yourself.
Sorry you are going through this.
It may feel justifying that his parents are "on your side". But. Operationally, that can only be a superficial lip service because who on earth wolud endorse that horrid behavior? They really are not on your side.
I agree with keeping a higher level of privacy. "I am not going to sign off on the kitchen work just yet" is all you need to say about it (and literally repeat, repeat, repeat until they understand that is all you are going to say about it). You do not need to explain why.
I would say "I'm aware from what you've said to my mum that you feel I am being unfair to dh and that you think I won't cope with the children. If that's the case then I'll need to think carefully about whether I want my children to be around people who condone cheating and have such negative attitudes about mental illness and epilepsy. But I wanted to check with you first before I make any decisions. What do you have to say?"
Thank you so much everyone for your replies am on mobile atm will respond later or tomo.
Hi just a quick update. dh said he would have a word with mil about what she said. we have both agreed not to discuss any aspects of this process with them further.
mil went to visit my mum yesterday and they had a good talk and my mum feels mil is worried about our marriage ending and that she didn't intend to come across the way she did. mil says she meant that she's worried how I would cope if I had a seizure for example as presently dh can come home from work if my mum or pil aren't available. although I haven't had a seizure for a good while now.
on the basis of this I have told dh that I will let it go this time but if any further comments are made to criticise me then I will be having words with them myself.
my mum made it clear to mil that IF we can move past it that it will take time, I won't magically be over it, it may take months. she also said it was no one else's business and that the decision needs to be best for everyone not just dh. their conversation ended on good terms and mum said there didn't seem to be any bad feeling.
Your mum sounds ace.
Your mil, however, sounds like a cowbag.
So, because you're not well (or you haven't been well in the past) mil thinks that you should just suck it up and stay in your marriage. No pressure then
I remember your previous thread, and I think you're doing brilliantly considering all you've been through.
Actually really on your behalf
Your DH has been a shit, only you and him can work this out, IMO your PIL and DM really shouldn't be brought into your marriage problems and if it were me I would probably only have said that "we were having issues". I certainly wouldn't have gone into detail about what has gone on.
Your MIL is shocked by her sons behaviour but naturally feels protective towards him, she is probably subconsciously minimising what he has done (after all he has done this to you and not her). Stop discussing your marriage with her and your issues about her opionion will go away. Don't let her have an opinion and it won't bother you.
I can kind of relate to some of her concerns regards the children, I am married to someone with similar medical issues to you and he is reliant on a lot of medication. I wouldn't leave him alone with DC's for any length of time due to this. This isn't in anyway suggesting that he isn't a great father (or in your case a bad mother) so I wouldn't read too much into that.
Try relationship counselling?
If you are considering keeping your marriage going, I can't imagine why on earth you told either set of parents the details of what happened. Keep other people out of your marriage - seriously. If you had to tell them anything, then just mention it's a rocky patch, don't tell them more than that. Don't tell them anything else.
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