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my brother sexually abused when I wa 6/7/8 now my family want me to make up with him

(50 Posts)
VestaBeefCurry Thu 06-Feb-14 00:30:59

I've name changed because I find the whole thing really embarrassing

My elder brother ..he is 15 years older than me did stuff and made me do stuff to him when I was young

I went to the police 9 years ago but nothing could be done as it was my word against his and he lives a lifestyle were he prefers men so no one believed me

Both my parents are dead so it's only me, my brother, my sister and our children

My sisters daughter has recently given birth and I've been asked if I can let bygone's be bygone's and all get together

I'm struggling with this because it's like my sister doesnt believe me.

I know she doesn't believe we all feel out when I went to the police

Should I just bite my tongue and play happy families?

queenofthepirates Thu 06-Feb-14 00:38:04

Of course not, you have been through the mill and if you say it happened, you ought to be believed.

Stay strong and keep within your comfort zone x

VestaBeefCurry Thu 06-Feb-14 00:45:00

thank you

pizzachickenhotforyou Thu 06-Feb-14 00:51:42

Bygones be bygones? That's shocking. No. You have a right to have nothing to do with the man who abused you as a child. You can't 'make up' for something like that.
They should want him away from the baby.

browneyesblue Thu 06-Feb-14 00:52:14

I believe you.

Don't do anything that makes you unhappy or uncomfortable. Wish your niece and her new baby well, and keep your head held high.

You were very brave to go to the police. It's awful that they felt that they couldn't prove what happened to you.

Airborne Thu 06-Feb-14 00:55:40

No, stand your ground. Similar thing happened in my family (except we stood by and supported the victims wish to not meet with abuser and play happy families). It strengthens your 'case' and perhaps may even start to turn your sisters opinion of who she believes over time. It might also get her to think twice should she ever think of leaving her kids in his care, (I know this hasn't been suggested but it's a possibility)

Lozislovely Thu 06-Feb-14 01:30:16

Do what you feel is best, not what anyone else wants you to do.

My brother tried to show me what he'd learnt during sex education at school when he was 12 and I was 8 - not actual intercourse but close enough.

I've never told anyone as I've always faltered thinking did it really happen (although I know it did) and even though it wasn't rape per-say, I still felt violated.

I cannot stand him to this day and luckily only have to endure being in his company once a year, if that.

If I ever choose to speak out and should anyone dare to ask me to let bygones be bygones,I would likely tell them to fuck off!

Be true to yourself and don't ever feel that because of some small minded relative you should feel pressurised into a situation you are unhappy with. It's your life, not theirs.

livingzuid Thu 06-Feb-14 05:09:48

No. You do not have to go. Don't feel pressured and don't feel obliged. Why should you come face to face with your abuser. thanks

Homebird8 Thu 06-Feb-14 05:19:28

Sorry that you have been through so much Vesta. My view is that your sister not believing you is not a reason for you not to believe you. I believe you and you do not have to bury the truth for anyone.

I would not brush this under the carpet by meeting up with your brother for any reason.

At a slight tangent, the police thought and acted in very different ways 9 years ago. More recent responses have been more enlightened. Might you think about going back to them over this?

GingerBlondecat Thu 06-Feb-14 05:30:08

I believe

and it sounds like he has Never done anything to suggest he regret what he did or even try to make this right.

Screw them all.

purplebutton Thu 06-Feb-14 08:08:24

I believe you.

Similar abuse happened in my extended family.

The parents of the victims told the abuser that they were cutting him out of their lives. We all support the victims and have cut the abuser out of our lives too.

Why should you be the one "keeping the peace"?

CarryOnDancing Thu 06-Feb-14 08:20:24

Playing happy families is just going to force you to push this hurt further down so it can continue to eat you up. I can't think of one positive from doing this. The relationship with your sister isn't worth it, if she will happily put you in this situation.

Protect yourself, not your sisters feelings as she's not thinking of yours. I'd just politely decline the offer and say you won't be discussing it again. Even if the abuse hadn't occurred, you have every right to spend your time in the company of who you want. There's no sense is spending it with people you don't.

CailinDana Thu 06-Feb-14 08:31:21

She is desperate for you to act like it never happened so she can justify him having access to her own daughter and now to her grandchild. It has nothing to do with wanting a peaceful family. In your shoes I would say that if she's comfortable hanging around with a sexual abuser that's her business but you're not going to pretend you weren't abused to make her feel better.

I also think it might not be good for you emotionally to be around people who so openly disbelieve you and want to minimise your feelings.

Holdthepage Thu 06-Feb-14 09:01:48

CailinDana has it spot on.

Why would anyone want a sexual predator around their children?

chaosagain Thu 06-Feb-14 10:36:22

Yy to CailinDana. Your sister wants you to let 'bygones be bygones' for her own benefit and comfort. That isn't good enough at all. I think it's probably pretty common for other family members to minimise it as they don't want it to be true. Her minimising/denial doesn't change the fact that it did happen to you and you really don't have to have anything to do with him.

Not long ago I discovered that my father sexually abused young boys, including my brother.

Nothing on earth would have had me asking my brother to put it aside and I have no contact with my dad.

I'm sorry your sister isn't supporting you more in this.

Val007 Thu 06-Feb-14 10:46:16

They should want him away from the baby.

I agree!

ScandinavianPrincess Thu 06-Feb-14 10:48:36

It's outrageous. I bit my tongue and played happy families and the result was agorophobia and panic attacks. I made a police statement when I was pregnant and have had little to do with my family since. I think your family not acknowledging what he has done is harmful and wrong. He is also a danger to children and their not acknowledging this is dreadful.
I also wonder if the police may be more sympathetic. They were very good to me and never made me feel like I was lying. The police get slagged off a lot but they were very good. I wonder if you were unlucky with who you talked to.
I believe you. There is support for you here.

livingzuid Thu 06-Feb-14 11:04:27

Yes to the minimising behaviour. My mother does this and also tries to justify what my abuser did because the reality of accepting what happened is just too horrific. But that isn't your problem. You know what happened and you know you don't want to pretend all is fine when it isn't.

And yes why on earth would you want children near an abuser?

AMumInScotland Thu 06-Feb-14 11:37:40

Don't bite your tongue, don't let them pretend it didn't happen. Tell your sister that no, you are not going to spend time acting nice to a man who chose to abuse you. He was an adult, you were a child. It is not acceptable, and time passing doesn'y magically make it all alright.

Maybe talk to the police again? I doubt they can do anything, but they may be better now at listening, and making you feel that you have at least had that comfort. They may also be able to refer you to a counsellor or similar, who you can talk through things with.

That won't make it 'go away' either, but just being heard can help.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Thu 06-Feb-14 11:54:16

Oh I think she believes you.

That's why she's contacting you now - as others have said, she wants you to make her believe it didn't happen by making up, so that she can feel better about him having contact with the baby.

Point that out to her.

And make it clear that you'll never ever have anything to do with him again.

I believe you. x

newbieman1978 Thu 06-Feb-14 12:14:21

I believe you also, I have no reason not to.

It happened in my family (extended) and ended in tragic circumstances but still some choose to question the victim.

The fact is though in many abuse cases it comes down to one persons word against another. Family and friends have to choose a side, the person they believe.
In your case it seems your sister has either chosen your brothers side or reconciled in her mind that it was childish jinx. Both of which are unaccepatable to you as a victim.

For the people around you as hard as it may be, they must step off the fence and make a choice. One party is not going to like it but that is how it must be.
For you, you must insist on having full support, reiterate again that this wasn't childish messing around this was full on sexual abuse. If not for your own mental health remove yourself fully from the sistuation.

I do wish you all the very best.

Preciousbane Thu 06-Feb-14 12:37:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

canyourearme Thu 06-Feb-14 12:40:06

Im sorry this happened to you. Stay the hell away from him and your sister. I hope that none of your sisters children or gc have been left alone with him. Big hugs to tou.

MissMilbanke Thu 06-Feb-14 12:40:50

No you can't just bite your tongue.

Hold your head high, stick to your principles and stay positive.

MellowAutumn Thu 06-Feb-14 12:44:02

As above and tell her if she wants to play happy families with a child abuser then she is putting her own children at risk.

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