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So confused

(26 Posts)
justwantsherhusband Wed 05-Feb-14 20:21:26

My husband and I are confusing...I can not talk to him. Every time I tell him about my feelings he flies off the deep end. This morning he told me, "I don't care about your feelings!" Mind you I have been working on not "attacking" him verbally but it really doesn't seem to matter. It almost feels like I am the only one that cares about the marriage. He will frequently tell me that he wants a divorce or that he hates me but only when we argue. After he calms down and I question him about it he will tell me that he did not mean it. I told him I think he hates me and he told me, "I never said that!" REALLY?! Or he will say that he does not hate me and wishes I did not think that way. I have caught him looking at porn, which he will then totally lie and say that he does not such thing. He is constantly wanting things and just seems to enjoy spending money. When I tell him it just is not in the finances then I am the bad guy. I do not spend money much at all. I instead put it toward my husband and son. We have had our ups and downs but he just seems like such and jerk lately that it is just so frustrating. He used to be romantic but he doesn't even try! He used to complain that I was on the computer too much so I cut back and now he is on his tablet all the time. He used to say that I with held sex from him but now I try to be more "active" and he is too tired. He does work long hours and I think he may have sleep apnea but I can not stand being neglected. He told me not to take it personal but it is just so hard...I just want so much for him to want me and to try and show that he loves me and needs me. Now he is starting a bad with his brother again and I am scared that will become his priority over me and our son. I have no pastime and spend all my time at home. I love my son dearly but this mom gets no breaks except for work. I use to play softball but my husband didn't like that because of men down at the ball fields. Well women are at the bar so not sure I like that! I noticed he likes other girls pictures on FB and things that just seem kinda weird for him to like. He has cheated on me 7 years ago and I still struggle with trust because of the lies. Basically I guess I need to vent and any advice would be great. I am just at a loss and really have no one to talk to. I can not talk to him because he immediately jumps on the defense. He had off today and I had to work. So instead of going to practice his drums while I was at work he is going to go when I get home???? WTH?! There probably is a reason for that but he doesn't tell me and if I ask he gets defensive...SIGH reading this over makes me want to cry...

MadBusLady Wed 05-Feb-14 20:35:21

He sounds like a twat tbh. Setting you up to fail, verbally abusing you, avoiding any meaningful interaction with you, controlling your social life and draining the family finances for his own leisure spending.

What exactly do you get out of this relationship?

AnyFucker Wed 05-Feb-14 20:37:46

what MBL said

MadBusLady Wed 05-Feb-14 20:38:35

Oh, and he gaslights you, missed that one. When he looks at porn and claims he doesn't, or says things and then claims he didn't say them.

AnyFucker Wed 05-Feb-14 20:39:50

he is gaslighting you

AnyFucker Wed 05-Feb-14 20:40:19

Yes, there is an echo in here ...

MadBusLady Wed 05-Feb-14 20:43:23


justwantsherhusband Wed 05-Feb-14 20:44:26

Nothing except my son. I love him and have left 2x and come back at his request. He changes for awhile and then back to same old same old. I think he MAY finally be understanding the finances and I take partial blame for that because I have let him do what he wanted for so many years without much of a fight. I just recently started standing up to him. I think he has security issues and it is easier for him to push me away than to actually fight for our marriage

Joysmum Wed 05-Feb-14 20:45:02

I think he's dreadfully unhappy but instead if trying to work out why and then trying to improve things, he instead prefers to blame you so it's not him that's lacking. When you then take away those things to blame, it leaves him exposed.

That's something I've been guilty of in the past tbh. It's easier to blame than to face up to your own inadequacies.

justwantsherhusband Wed 05-Feb-14 20:47:09

OMG I just read about Gaslighting...How the hell do I stop it

justwantsherhusband Wed 05-Feb-14 20:48:22

I face up to mine but do get annoyed when he does not own up to his...In fact I have pointed out my own flaws recently but then he just continues to point out my flaws repeating what I said

MadBusLady Wed 05-Feb-14 20:51:25

I suspect you're being far more understanding than he deserves.

It shouldn't be up to anyone in a marriage - male or female - to "stand up" to the other over finances. Money is sadly finite for most of us. That means you discuss what to spend it on and have shared goals. Reining in his spending is basically you taking on a parental role and him being a manchild.

And whatever his background "issues" are, they don't excuse his behaviour. There are plenty of people on here with horrendous childhoods and heaps of issues who don't treat their partners like shit. The fact is, he doesn't "fight for your marriage" because it doesn't suit him too. You're doing him the favour of assuming that deep down he does actually care about it and is just prevented from showing it. On the basis of what you've written here I'm not sure that's true.

AnyFucker Wed 05-Feb-14 20:52:54

You can't stop him gaslighting. He has to want to stop it himself. It is more likely to be ingrained behaviour though, and thus very difficult to eradicate. He does it because he gets the result he wants.

Personally, the only way I think you can stop it being done to you is to end the relationship.

justwantsherhusband Wed 05-Feb-14 20:55:54

Not really what I was hoping to hear but I guess that is the point of these threads is total honesty...
I guess my question is, is that this didn't start happening until last year after I had a miscarriage. We have been married for 9 years and this craziness that he demonstrates is "new" so to speak. Why would it come out now?

AnyFucker Wed 05-Feb-14 21:01:52

I am sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, much abuse in relationships oftenn first manifests itself when the female partner is pregnant.

Read here particularly the info under the heading "statistics"

justwantsherhusband Wed 05-Feb-14 21:03:40

Makes sense cause he cheated on me when I was pregnant with our son

AnyFucker Wed 05-Feb-14 21:07:00

Oh love. He doesn't sound like a good man.

justwantsherhusband Wed 05-Feb-14 21:38:09

Came home and he was leaving to go practice his drums at his parents. Spiraled into and argument...I told him that I was tired of him not giving a shit about my feelings and gaslighting me to get his way. He apologized sincerely and said that he would come home. I told him not to bother because I don't want to see his face right now.

justwantsherhusband Wed 05-Feb-14 21:39:47

This was after he said "this is exactly why I hate you." I completely lost it when he said that and I am not proud of myself. I have tried so hard not to engage in his dumb ass arguments and I gave in and stooped to his level

JeanSeberg Wed 05-Feb-14 21:43:46

Stick to your request that he doesn't come home please.

justwantsherhusband Wed 05-Feb-14 21:44:27

His parents own the house so that is not totally an option

AnyFucker Wed 05-Feb-14 22:04:58

Oh dear

JeanSeberg Wed 05-Feb-14 22:09:27

Oh dear indeed.

So who do you have who could support you in real life to get out?

justwantsherhusband Wed 05-Feb-14 23:58:37

No one. Seriously. Both my parents live out of state making it damn near impossible to do anything.

AnyFucker Thu 06-Feb-14 06:43:19

Are you in the US ? Is there an equivalent to Women's Aid there ? No one should be forced to stay in a situation that is detrimental to them in this day and age sad

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