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how do you find yourself again?

(28 Posts)
wontletmesignin Wed 05-Feb-14 14:41:21

Sitting putting nail varnish on while ds is watching a bit of thomas.

Im thinking about how i was. Before i met FW.
I wore make up, i got my hair coloured every now and then.
Ive just let myself go, and i hadnt even realised it.

Im booked in to get my hair done. I am trying, but im so scared.

I would like to wear make up again,but again..im scared.

The times i tried using make up when with him,he accused me of trying to impress others. When i was doing it for me. In the end, i gave up.

Now i worry that others will think im trying to hard as they are so used to seeing me being plain and well, a mess.

How do you do it? Im even too scared to wear shoes. Just trainers. I can look smartly dressed untik you look at my feet. I know this - yet cant find the balls to do anything about it!

HotDAMNlifeisgood Wed 05-Feb-14 14:47:17

Other people are much more likely to:

a. not notice
b. say "Oh, don't you look nice!"

Screw "other people", anyway. What do you want to wear? do? Do that.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 05-Feb-14 15:12:00

This is very sad.
Even in a 'normal' relationship we can lose ourselves.
Unfortunately you seemed to have suffered some serious abuse.
I think the best way forward for you is to visit your GP to discuss these things and get referred for counselling/therapy.
When my ExH left, I had to find myself again.
We were always a couple. I was one half of a whole really.
It was great to find myself again.
I lost weight. Went blonde (still am - only because of all the grey though) and started to dress differently.
Everyone noticed and made comment on how great I looked etc....
You could try just one thing at time.
Like you are now - nails.
Next week a bit of mascara.
The week after a bit of lipstick.
The week after some footwear other than trainers.
Just take it slowly and remember, you are allowed to be exactly who you want to be.
I hope you 'find yourself' very soon.
You deserve to dress and look exactly how you want!

wontletmesignin Wed 05-Feb-14 15:24:50

I honestly never used to care about what others thought with how i dressed.

I know deep down people probably wouldnt even notice - they may even be pleased to see me trying to better myself.

The panic though, is unreal. Considering it is down to only a bit of make up or a pair of shoes.

I know it isnt a bad thing to make an effort with myself, but it really does feel that it is!
He has obviously done a good job on me.

I think that is a good idea. Adding something new weekly. Baby steps. Thanx

FabULouse Wed 05-Feb-14 15:25:17

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FabULouse Wed 05-Feb-14 15:27:28

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wontletmesignin Wed 05-Feb-14 15:27:40

That makes sense. Its frustrating. I really wish it didnt bother me

FabULouse Wed 05-Feb-14 15:30:41

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Minnieisthedevilmouse Wed 05-Feb-14 15:32:41

Keep trainers but new ones? Colourful ones say like converse or new balance. Ones that test you but don't petrify you....?

BeCool Wed 05-Feb-14 15:39:36

I have a little creature carrying a baseball bat (a la Dr Seuss) who lives in my head now and when I hear that nasty voice, those limiting words (along with irrational fears) I send the little dude in with the bat to knock them away and out of my head.

It's a weird image perhaps, but it works quite well for me.

BeCool Wed 05-Feb-14 15:39:52

and yes, babysteps.

wontletmesignin Wed 05-Feb-14 15:40:54

I need to try that, fab. Looking at it from the view that i am going against what he would want, might actually help.

I bought some converse, black with like leopard print fold over. I love them, but cant wear them!

I worry that my jeans look stupid with them. I cant bring myself to wear skinny jeans anymore as i feel ive got no suitable shoes to go with them, only i cant find any shoes that i could bring myself to wear! Its frustrating and depressing!

wontletmesignin Wed 05-Feb-14 15:43:02

Becool. That is something that might work, also. Im pleased to hear yous have found a way to get past this. It gives me hope that i just need to find my way

hellsbellsmelons Wed 05-Feb-14 15:44:01

You could also look into doing the 'freedom programme'
Not sure what it involves but I think it will probably help you a lot.
Google it or talk to Womens Aid about it.

wontletmesignin Wed 05-Feb-14 15:46:14

Thanks hellsbells. I have the dv advocate coming on monday to get me set up for that. Im terrified of that too!
Seems like fear is running me at the minute blush

whitsernam Wed 05-Feb-14 15:46:26

I think you're doing it, already. Nail varnish is your start, and you've already gotten some fab shoes.... Each time you wear them you'll feel a tiny bit (or a lot, even) stronger!! And yes! to the idea of the little character with the bat.... you want him to ward off the bad thoughts. It will get easier with time. You'll even find you can do lots of other things FW had you thinking you "couldn't" do, like DIY stuff. Just keep on trying, and know you're setting a great example for your DS. When he's afraid to try something, you can encourage him, but he will have grown up watching you change and do things differently. It's a great example.

wontletmesignin Wed 05-Feb-14 15:56:52

Thank you whitsernam. Youre right, i guess. Nail varnish is my start.
I will try and force myself into my converse tomorrow, and hopefully i will feel better for it.

Who would have thought this would be so difficult!!!

whattodoforthebest2 Wed 05-Feb-14 16:07:54

Well done for doing as much as you've done already - painting your nails and getting your hair cut will make you feel braver and each step will be one step away from his control. My XH preferred me with blonde hair so for over 15 years I had blonde hair - what did I do as soon as he walked out? I went red and proud and have been ever since - I love the fact he would have hated it grin.

Another suggestion - what about some new underwear - prettier or more daring or whatever ... something that makes you feel better and noone else knows about?

BeCool Wed 05-Feb-14 16:14:31

it's certainly a process I'm still involved with, but we separated over a year ago now and I am really starting to feel more 'myself' again. You will too!

redundantandbitter Wed 05-Feb-14 16:14:58

OP - why don't you try wearing the new shoes and make up around the house first for a few days .. Before going out. If you feel more comfortable and familiar with your 'look' then you'll seem more comfortable when you're out in the world. And tbh who cares what shoes you wear with your jeans? The more bonkers the better I say. And your kids will see that you have personality and style and confidence.

redundantandbitter Wed 05-Feb-14 16:16:32

Oh and i bleached my hair. Kids think I'm bonkers but I'm
Very grey so it works . How about some nice new cheap and cheerful jewellery too?

wontletmesignin Wed 05-Feb-14 16:23:29

Thank you all for the suggestions. They are all very helpful and im going to try everything!
As for wearing them around the house, that is a good idea that i will definitely do.

Jewellery is a good idea as the dick threw all of mine out sad ones that were sentimental too.

I found a photo of me and ds3 father(nice ex) the other day. my hair was highlighted blonde, i had make up on and i was happy. I look nothing like that now. I dont even like lookingat myself in the mirror.

Redundant, i used to think like that. I dont even know when i stopped thinking like that.
I guess that is my goal then. To get my thinking back to not caring how i dress/look!

redundantandbitter Wed 05-Feb-14 16:29:09

That's the spirit. Dig some colourful stuff out of the wardrobe and start wearing it - or just something with colour every day even knickers

I bought new underwear. Ok , I haven't actually WORN it yet.... But one day. (I gave my favourite underwear back to twat as he bought it). Also bought a lovely necklace to replace the 1st anniversary present I threw back at him. Mine is nicer.

Good luck hun

wontletmesignin Wed 05-Feb-14 16:35:14

Good on you for giving them all back!
Sometimes just buying them makes you feel better. Even if you dont wear it. I hope you get to soon though.
Im pleased your necklace is nicer smile

Thank you. Good luck to you too!

MadBusLady Wed 05-Feb-14 16:52:17

That sounds like a lovely photo. Pin it up somewhere where you will see it every day and rather than thinking "I look nothing like that now" think "That was actually ME." If you were that happy, pretty girl before who had nice partners (even if they weren't right), you can be her again.

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