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Should I email my mother, who I cut off, to tell her what an arsehole she is?

(50 Posts)
OHforSUCKSsfake Wed 05-Feb-14 12:37:21

Ok so I wouldnt actually call her an arsehole even though she is but I would like to highlight some major issues so it points out that she is.

I recently posted on here about her, Ive namechanged since.

Im not sure where to start, so Im sorry if its garbled and mish-mash.

I recently fell out with my mother to the point of cutting her out of my life for a few reasons.

One being her controlling and abusive husband, in a nut shell he really doesnt like me, made it clear I wasnt welcome at their house and she made clear he thinks he is right in every way, and I am wrong. Even going as far as to tell me 'why didnt you stick up for yourself' when the arsehole was basically bullying me. Then asked me if my 7 year old could go to theirs for the weekend. hmm in the house I, myself am not welcome in.

Anyway my issue is not with that, of course it is an issue but I totally give up there. Theres no hope at all.

My issue is with the fact that when ending the conversation my mum said I was benefits scum who needs to 'get off my lazy arse and get a job'.

Despite this conversation taking place a month ago and me cutting her off and telling her so, for some reason the 'lazy arse get a job' bit has suddenly started bothering me greatly. To the point where its keeping me awake at night.

Basically I have a 2 year old who has serious allergies and been in and out of hospital since he first went into anaphylactic shock at 5 months old. He has suffered horrendously with severe allergies, reactions, urticaria, eczema that would break your heart, countless blood tests, and allergy tests. Now at 2.9 years old he is allergic to 30 foods and counting, all fabrics apart from cotton (so polyester, acrylic, nylon as well as wool, feathers) all creams we have every tried using to sooth his eczema.
He can only eat 8 foods (7 really because one is questionable) he is still breastfed because I darent take out one of the few things he can eat, and a his asthma STILL isnt under control which means he is wheezy most days and often on oral steroids and nebuliser.

When having a reaction which is fairly often because of cross contamination, new allergies or re-trialing current eliminated foods he will wake up all night long.

I have been known to lay there and not be able to count to 20 before he wakes again in pain, scratching and wheezing.

He hasnt been in childcare yet because his allergies have been growing and I didnt know what the fuck to feed him one day to the next let alone someone else. He also hasnt been fully immunished yet.

However, I have been trying to change this since the summer. For example, his allergies have plateaued the last few months so we now see an immunologist trying to get the safest immunisations done in the safest possible way, we see an asthma consultant trying to get his asthma under control and we see a specialist in the allergy clinic atnthe Evelina in London.

Ive recently had the oppotunity to do volunteer work at the local childrens centre, it means DS can be with me and I can gain experience to help when I apply for my degree into child nursing for 2015.

But I just got an email to say he would need to go into a creche while I train to become a volunterr which is fine but they serve food.

Its still far too much of a risk, he is too young to understand the severity of his allergies and its not a risk I think can be taken yet, it took a long time to track down a nursey experienced enough to consider and even then he wont have lunch there.

So I have had to ask if theres training at a later date (perhaps I could get different childcare then although I dont know how?)

And the nightbefore last I accidentally gave something to DS that contained an allergen and he woken 12 times by 11.30pm, I stopped counting after that.

These two recent goings on have left me seething with the words my mum said. Her actual words keep playing over and over in my head.

"Yes you are benefits scum, you need to get off your lazy arse and get a job."

What, you gonna come down and look after him while I work are you? You daily mail reading, narrow minded, un supportive. Judgemental bitch.

I really, really want to email her and tell her EXACTLY why I cant just jump to the nearest job and that his waking tonnes WONT be remedied by putting him into his brothers room to sleep and was NOT caused my choosing to co-sleep.

To add, DS is on higher rate DLA and he ess awarded that way before his health got this severe, so if the system believes us, why cant she??

WWYD?

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 05-Feb-14 12:39:26

No. Ignore, and move on.

Trust me, I've been here. Eventually, the words stop echoing around your head, and everything dies down.

I can't say that it's easy. I'd do anything to have loving parents. I become an anxious wreck if my parents try to contact me, or look at my LinkedIn profile. It's better this way, though.

Emailing her will give her power, whatever you say to her. Your words don't matter, she'll just use them to validate whatever she says.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Wed 05-Feb-14 12:40:18

Does your mum work? Did she work when you were pre-schoolers? Seems odd for her to tell you to get a job if she didnt

HavantGuard Wed 05-Feb-14 12:42:29

I would say that anyone who behaves the way she has doesn't deserve any reaction from you and wouldn't listen or change their mind whatever you said.

I would also say that you are doing a fabulous job at the moment.

She is indeed an arsehole.

OHforSUCKSsfake Wed 05-Feb-14 12:46:18

My mum when back to work when older brother was 6 weeks old. She openly resents the fact Im not.

She went back to work when I was 5 months old.

And with little brother she went back to work when he was 2 years old.

lougle Wed 05-Feb-14 12:48:45

You don't need to tell her. It won't change your mind and won't make you feel better.

My uncle (well meaning and naive, rather than malevolent) asked when I might go back to 'doing something'. When I told him I'm actually rather busy with all that I do he said 'I meant something paid.'

I'm carer to DD1 (special school), I'm trying to get DD2 (I suspect SN) sorted so that she doesn't collapse, I'm a Governor of 2 schools, I sit on a Select Committee for the Local Authority, I sit on Independent Admissions Appeal panels for the Local Authority and I volunteer weekly at two schools.

DD1 gets HRC, too.

Don't give your Mum power - file her comments and opinions as 'irrelevant', 'absolutely barking mad' or 'ignorant'.

Do you get all the benefits you're entitled to, by the way? You can claim Carer's Allowance for your DS.

FabULouse Wed 05-Feb-14 12:49:23

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

starlight1234 Wed 05-Feb-14 12:49:30

I completely understand the wanting to ..

I think you are searching for an answer you won't get from her...

I am guessing there is an awful lot more to this than one comment and her husband....

maybe counselling would be more useful to you to find peace for you

Dahlen Wed 05-Feb-14 12:52:23

YANBU to want to get it all off your chest, but I wouldn't send it. I think you might find it cathartic to write it all down as if you were going to send it though.

The trouble with people like your mother is that she's following her own script, not yours. If she were capable of seeing things from your POV she would have left her H for a start. Whether she's too scared to leave her her H or simply prefers to put up with abuse and let you down in return for the positives she gets from the relationship, the point is that in her head life will be written very differently. To justify her current lifestyle, she has to demonise you and canonise her H. Therefore, anything you sent her will be met with excuses or outright denial. You won't get the acknowledgement you seek, let alone any sort of apology. And that may hurt more than letting sleeping dogs lie and maintaining a no-contact approach.

Congratulations on the voluntary role - given your poor DS's problems, it's obvious you are a remarkable person just to have got that far. Is there anyone else you can call on to help out during the training process? It would be a real shame for you to have to give up. Sometimes having something for ourselves is essential is we aren't to buckle under the emotional and physical strain of demanding caring duties. Could you contact surestart or SS for help?

Best of luck with your battle against your DS's condition. flowers

HotDAMNlifeisgood Wed 05-Feb-14 12:54:35

No. I understand the urge, but it will only set you back, as her reaction will be the reaction of an inadequate parent. Which is what she is. And it will only make you feel bad all over again.

She won't take what you say on board.
She won't even acknowledge your anger.
She WILL throw it all back onto you.

If she was the kind of mother who was able to listen to your hurt and anger, then you would not have had to cut her off in the first place.

Use pillows, empty rooms, and therapy to let out your anger instead. They don't have any power to hurt you. Your mother still does.

RobotLover68 Wed 05-Feb-14 12:57:14

I think you are searching for an answer you won't get from her...

This

I went into counselling due to my narc parents - I was looking for an answer, in the end I realised there wasn't an answer and there never would be. By the time I finished counselling, I was OK with that

Do not engage, she won't accept what you say and you will have to go through all the "no contact" first stage again and it could set you back further

I hope letting it all out here, helps you and that your son's difficulties get easier in time

Custardo Wed 05-Feb-14 13:00:01

shes not important enough to be deserving of an explanaition

by opening this door, you are inviting untold drama into your life.

Miggsie Wed 05-Feb-14 13:00:33

"children of the self absorbed" might be a good book to read if you haven't already.

I agree with the posters who say don't engage - don't.

It will only be twisted to prove you are wrong and she is right. The only way to deal with these people is to cut all contact.

arfur Wed 05-Feb-14 13:02:59

Agree with everything everyone else said grin. Don't contact her, she will just use it as an excuse to contact you and make you feel bad about something else. Write the letter though, call her every name under the sun, and spit out all the anger you have about every little thing she's done and then feel better about yourself. You are doing fabulously well with everything on your plate and you certainly do not need your mum or anyone else who isn't supportive in your life x thanks

MadBusLady Wed 05-Feb-14 13:03:10

No, reason being, she's a lot better at being nasty than you are, she's had more practice and will just say worse stuff than she has already.

SlightlyDampWellies Wed 05-Feb-14 13:03:57

I understand the urge, and understand how you want to fight and scream at her, but like others have said, ti just gives her power. By cutting her off you have done the thing that is best for you, your family and in the long term your emotional health. Of course it hurts- it is early days, but you will grow stronger.

And yes- are you getting a carer's allowance also? Make sure you do if you can. you sound swamped.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Wed 05-Feb-14 13:06:04

Advice on how to live your life from a woman who marries a man who blocks her relationship with her own child?

Yeah, right!!!!

She's really worth listening to. Totally got her priorities right, I mean, the proof of the pudding is how much her own children admire and love her, and the strong relationship she has with her grandchildren, isn't it? I'm sure you TOTALLY want to model her example, eh OP?

Snooort.

GlitzAndGiggles Wed 05-Feb-14 13:09:00

Don't entertain her judgy self. It will be a relief to get it off your chest, yes. But it won't change what she thinks of you. From reading your OP it seems you do want to work but are unable to right now. She should be very fortunate that she didn't have to deal with the problems your DS has

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Wed 05-Feb-14 13:11:17

Would she care?

Probably not.

Would you get an apology and acknowedgement that she was wrong?

Probably not.

Would it trigger a response from her that would upset and anger you?

Probably.

Not worth it.

Horrible people just don't acknowledge or accept that they are horrible, so nice people who have been wronged by them never get what they crave from them.

LIZS Wed 05-Feb-14 13:17:27

No don't . It will open up a conversation you don't want to have and let her know her bullying has affected you. Could you have a CM mind your ds while you train ? Are his allergies such that him being there is an issue even if you provided your own food ?

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 05-Feb-14 13:23:04

Do not engage your mother at all by any method and do not rise to any bait she throws at you. Toxic people like your mother always but always want the last word. No contact as well is precisely that, no contact.

Keep your children away from her as well; a good rule of thumb here is that if she is too toxic for you to deal with, she is certainly too toxic for both your vulnerable and defenceless children.

womblesofwestminster Wed 05-Feb-14 13:29:22

Eventually, the words stop echoing around your head, and everything dies down.

I concur. I went NC in July 2012 and haven't looked back. It took at least a year for my mother's criticisms to stop being parroted in my head. It was almost as if her spirit was watching over my shoulder, pointing out every minor fault I made. Now that's gone smile

OHforSUCKSsfake Wed 05-Feb-14 13:32:26

I would LOVE to work. At the absolute least Id love to work in clarks even as a saturday job or a bakery, like I did at 15, literally starting at the bottom. If I was working it would mean my son was well enough to be in childcare.

Him well, me having a life outside this house, and earning money at the same time? It sounds an utterly blissful idea. Whats not to like??

However, its not that simple.

With regards to not sending the email and the reasons why, I knew before starting this thread that it wouldnt change her mind, that she wouldnt apologise (the woman NEVER apologises, even after some horrific stuff she said when I was young), and yes she would make excuses, place blame elsewhere just has she's been doing since she married her husband.

So you are all right.

I thought a few might say it wasnt a good idea, I didnt realise it would be unanimous!

I definitely wont send the email. And I will try and tell myself that she is not worth it. I dont care to try and work it out with her now. I just HATE hate that someone, worst of all my own mother, totally disregards the shit we have been through and still going through and accuses me of being lazy. Lazy!

In some ways I feel lazy. I sit on this sofa, right here, far more than Id like. But its simply not out of choice. Im bored every single day and every single day I daydream about working, about getting into my car and driving ti a destination alone to earn, to make a difference to be me again instead of mother/career.

I think you are right its opening doors for more hurt and fall out, this bit would hurt more than the not talking at all.

I do receive careers allowance.

The kids Dad is around but has no where good to live (scabby poxy caravan) but hes looking for somewhere to live so he can take the kids/give me a break and in the mean time we are applying to use the local contact centre so I can have a break.

His parents were making noises about moving close by which Id be ecstatic about. Him and I aremt together but his parents are great and adore the boys. I wonder if this is something Im pinning too much hope on.

On a positive note I spoke to the person who runs the creche, she is experienced with allergies but none to his severity so she says she needs to discuss it with colleagues. Id have to go there and check it out myself too, they do 'messy play' with food as well, which is an absolute no go. So Im not sure if this will go ahead but she said she is really going to try. Which is lovely.

Thank you for stopping me emailing The Arsehole.

Joysmum Wed 05-Feb-14 13:33:20

I'm glad you've had a rant, always good to get things off your chest.

What's clear here is that despite cutting her out of your life, you still care what she thinks and want her to change her mind. Do you honestly think she will? If you lay all this on the line and she remains true to type, would opening communication again to send this have helped you, or made things worse for you when she continues despite you trying to give her a deeper level of understanding?

I'm NC with my grandparents and it's much easier because I don't respect them as people so it truly doesn't matter to me what their thoughts and opinions are. Many people simply can't look at others with an 'you're really not worth getting upset about' attitude.

It's early days in your NC but you need to decide what's best for you and try to develop the acceptance you need that nothing will change her. If you think you can change her mind then NC longer term maybe isn't for you.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 05-Feb-14 13:39:45

Joysmum

Opening communication at all with OPs mother will have that Pandoras box opened, a box that should remain firmly closed. Such toxic people like OPs mother are never ready or willing to hear anybody else's point of view.

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