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Is this a normal thing to feel guilty about or am I being weird?

(19 Posts)

I was just on skype to my mum, who I haven't spoken to in ages and have had trouble trying to get hold of recently. DH came home unexpectedly early. I said "Hi! I'm in here" meaning in the bedroom. He handed me a McDonalds meal and then disappeared.

I finished the call (although probably slightly quicker than I would have) and then came to see if DH was alright. He said he wasn't feeling well, but it was probably because he hadn't eaten, but he was going to bed now.

I now feel guilty because I didn't immediately end the call and come and eat with DH (he sat and watched top gear anyway so was probably perfectly happy) but also feel guilty that I cut the call short with my mum.

confused

In the interests of not dripfeeding, there is previous history of an emotionally abusive relationship where my talking on the phone to other people was a problem, and also previous history of slight tension between DH and DM - nothing major though.

bragmatic Wed 05-Feb-14 12:34:50

Your husband had a problem with you talking on the phone in the past, you mean?

There is nothing remotely wrong with continuing the conversation with your mother.

PostHocErgoPropterHoc Wed 05-Feb-14 12:35:24

You don't need to feel guilty. Did anyone try to make you feel guilty? Your mother may have preferred you to talk to her for longer, your DH may have preferred you to cut the call short immediately. You clearly couldn't have done both of those things, so you did what you thought was best. You don't have to make everyone happy all of the time, it's impossible.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Wed 05-Feb-14 12:35:31

It's not normal to feel guilty about that no.

A man who expects you to drop everything and focus on him when he walks into a room isn't normal. But you probably already know that

joydevivre Wed 05-Feb-14 12:36:32

I don't get why he hadn't bought a maccy d's for himself if he was hungry?! That seems odd

No, my ex-partner had a problem with me talking on the phone. DH has never minded me talking on the phone, and didn't say or do anything to make me feel guilty. But I did anyway. I was trying to work out if this was a hangup from XP or if it was a normal thing and I was being really horrible.

He did! But he bought one for me too, that's why I felt bad!

Casmama Wed 05-Feb-14 12:38:37

Sorry not sure I understand - he got food for you but not for himself and therefore hadn't eaten or didn't eat because you weren't there to eat with him?

Casmama Wed 05-Feb-14 12:40:32

No not normal to feel guilty about this. Normal to continue your conversation and also pretty normal for it to be slightly shorter than if your dh hadn't come home. Don't worry.

No - sorry, I wasn't very clear.

He didn't eat dinner last night, and never eats breakfast. At work today he felt ill, he thought this was perhaps because he hadn't eaten, but (OK, I wasn't massively clear on this part but for some reason) decided it was bad enough to come home. He goes past McDonalds on his way to/from work, so must have popped in to get food for himself and me.

Because I was on skype in the bedroom, he sat at his computer desk and watched Top Gear while he ate. By the time I had finished on the phone I came out to see if he was OK, he had finished and said he was going to bed. He didn't seem pissed off or upset at all.

Thank you Casmama grin

joydevivre Wed 05-Feb-14 12:43:18

I don't think you have owt to feel bad over. He bought in some crappy takeaway good. I would be 'ooh cheers', thumb up and carrying on my phone conversation at that.. not rushing downstairs to break out the fine china and candles

Yeah eating together and making conversation with each other is great. It's hardly like you don't do that is it? He came home and surprised you. Hardly like answering yr phone during a planned meal!

PostHocErgoPropterHoc Wed 05-Feb-14 12:43:40

Well if DH did nothing to suggest he was upset, and you still felt guilty, then it is definitely a hang-up from XP. Really, you did nothing wrong.

SwayingBranches Wed 05-Feb-14 12:43:54

You feel guilty because you've been trained to put other people's needs before your own. So even if it doesn't apply in this case you still have the triggers.

Lazyjaney Wed 05-Feb-14 12:49:53

I think it's normal to feel a twinge, but you shared the guilt this way rather than going for broke one way or the other and feeling even more guilty about the one you let down grin

Longtalljosie Wed 05-Feb-14 12:56:15

I totally understand. I was in an abusive relationship with a man who had a fit if I had any contact at all with male colleagues. Going for a pint after work with one would have been unthinkable. I was single for a long time afterwards.

After meeting now-DH, I knew he was totally fine with me going for a drink in mixed company after work but I would often feel a bit panicky for no good reason. Give yourself time. Normalcy returns - you just have to deprogramme yourself...

It's so true Josie. And then I get all paranoid as well, like, because I feel like I'm doing something wrong then I start to act guilty, then try to overcompensate, then it comes across as really weird and I start to get paranoid that I do look suspicious confused

Luckily DH knows I'm just a bit weird grin

Thanks all smile

AnUnearthlyChild Wed 05-Feb-14 21:49:43

The only thing that is remotely odd is eating maccas In The bedroom. It'd stink. smile

Otherwise your behavior was totally normal.

And I want a Big Mac n fries now.

MistressDeeCee Wed 05-Feb-14 21:53:34

I dont think its normal to feel guilty but we all have our 'ways' dont we. & reasons why we feel the way we do. Your DHs actions are pretty normal too. Its not as if he expected to be welded next to you whilst you were talking to your DM nor did he frown, or intimate in any way that you should end the call.

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