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Husband not answering me when I speak to him.

(30 Posts)
nosextoday Wed 05-Feb-14 11:01:01

On a regular basis h doesn't answer me when I speak to him or ask a question.

This problem has been going on for years and he knows I hate it. It sometimes leads to an argument.

Recently, he has learnt that he can avoid an argument by telling me that he did in fact answer me hmm It's bullshit of course as my hearing is fine. Is this a low level form of gaslighting?

I have felt depressed recently (on medication) and told him that all the sex abuse stuff in the media has been affecting me and I've been experiencing flashbacks. I explained to him that I feel ignored in general because the CPS didn't take my case to court due to lack of evidence. This has really affected me and I feel angry about it.

He knows how much ignoring me hurts me yet still he does it.

I can't love anybody really and only exist here as it suits me to do so. My emotional life died long ago. I only remain for security. I love my dcs, but they'll grow up and leave. The only thing that keeps me going is my medication. I sometimes dream of killing myself. He doesn't know how low I feel.

I know you'll all tell me to LTB but, truth is, I just can't be bothered.

Suelford Wed 05-Feb-14 11:37:15

What are the scenarios when he doesn't answer - standing next to him making eye contact, or shouting from downstairs, etc? What is his reason for not answering?

Are you in therapy? He should be supporting you but really you might need a professional.

The situation doesn't exactly sound rosy for him either.

TheFutureSupremeRulersMum Wed 05-Feb-14 11:43:33

Does he need a hearing test?

wellcoveredsparerib Wed 05-Feb-14 12:29:32

does your husband know you don't love him and only stay for convenience? If so it is not unreasonable that he doesn't see it as his role to emotionally support you. The situation sounds unhappy for both of you

nosextoday Wed 05-Feb-14 12:51:31

His hearing is fine.

Sometimes I call from say the top of the stairs to the bottom and sometimes I'm standing next to him. It's random.

He seems happy as long as he has me skivvying and looking after everything. All he does is sit on his arse drinking tea and reading. He has few emotional needs and is quite a dull person. I don't know why I married him confused

onetiredmummy Wed 05-Feb-14 12:56:36

Oh dear OP, sounds like neither of you are happy with your marriage. How long have you been married?

Have you ever had support for your ordeal or for the flashbacks you are currently having? I'm so sorry that you feel so low, do you have support?

Cabrinha Wed 05-Feb-14 13:04:00

Not being bothered is part of your depression.
What support are you getting to help you deal with the abuse that you suffered (I'm very sorry) and the fact it wasn't progressed through the courts? And well done you for going to the police! Your abuser wasn't punished as he should have been, but you sure as hell told him that he was a criminal.

Your marriage situation is not helping with these things. I do think you should LTB, but I would say if you are not going to do that yet, then don't look to him for support that you know you won't get. Go back to your GP and find out what help you can get with the abuse that may have contributed to you feeling unable to change your current situation? Unable to have an emotional life sad
Good luck x

yellowismyfave Wed 05-Feb-14 13:45:28

I have no helpful advice as my own head and relationship is not the best! However, I just wanted to say that I totally sympathise. Mine does this too. I follow him round the house sometimes like an idiot trying to get his attention. Somehow he makes this feel my fault. I know that for me and for you, it is NOT our fault!

I really hope that if you're not already, that you find ways to talk this through with a professional. Depression is awful, please get the support you need to help you through this so that you can be bothered enough to make a change. You deserve better and I hope you find the strength in time to get there.

neiljames77 Wed 05-Feb-14 16:52:57

100% you can't stay with him. 10% for him because he obviously has picked up on the fact that you don't love/like him. 90% for you because you need to be loved and supported. Don't waste your life being unhappy.

flippinada Wed 05-Feb-14 17:03:22

This is awful and I'm sorry you are feeling so unsupported - it sounds like you are very depressed and have a lot to deal with emotionally (understatement I know).

The situation you have described is very upsetting and it is a form of abuse; my XP used to do this to me. I would ask something repeatedly, be ignored (even if I was standing next to him - sometimes he would just turn his back to me). It was just awful and I can clearly recall the feelings of bewilderment, humiliation and hurt.

I ended up getting so frustrated I would yell (playing into his hands of course) - at which point of I was accused of unreasonable and aggressive so no wonder he didn't pay attention to me..does that sound familiar?

flippinada Wed 05-Feb-14 17:04:57

"at which point I was accused of being.." is what I meant to say.

Thegoatprophecy Wed 05-Feb-14 17:26:29

My abusive ex used to do this to me regularly. At some stage I realised it was probably just a small part of the abuse. It was not pleasant at all.

flippinada Wed 05-Feb-14 17:58:16

My ex also used to claim 'hearing problems' (another stick to beat me with, how nasty of me, shouting at him when it wasn't his fault). In reality, he could hear perfectly well.

TheDoctorsNewKidneys Wed 05-Feb-14 18:01:42

How long have you been married, OP? You don't sound very happy.

I don't think this is about him tuning you out. He doesn't sound supportive in general, nor does he sound very loving or caring. I also have depression and have meds, but DP has been wonderful. He's there if I need someone to talk to, or even if I just need a hug and a cry after a bad day.

Are you also getting counselling? Meds can help, but it works a lot better if you have a third party to talk to and to listen to you, and it'll relieve the pressure on your relationship too. It's not easy living with someone who has depression - it's draining and it is hard to be that "listening ear" all the time, it really is. I don't think you can expect one person to give you all the support you need.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Wed 05-Feb-14 19:58:06

How about you start by stopping skivvying?

'Why don't I have any clean pants?'

'Because you've ignored me when I've spoken to you three times this week. I've decided not to wash pants/make food/have sex with a person who can't even be bothered to treat me as if I'm another human living in the house.'

CromeYellow Thu 06-Feb-14 01:25:02

Maybe he just wants to read in peace? It's not unreasonable to ignore someone who is constantly talking about nothing in particular.

SolidGoldBrass Thu 06-Feb-14 01:30:39

It's possible that he's selfish. It's also possible that he's worn out - it is very hard living with someone who has MH problems and needs a lot of emotional support. Add to that the fact that you don't seem to like him very much and it's not entirely unreasonable that he doesn't feel like putting himself out to listen to your complaints.

superstarheartbreaker Thu 06-Feb-14 07:01:29

Even if he is finding it hard to deal with my issues he should not ignore you. He can be worn out and still offer support. Sounds like a dick tbh.

flippinada Thu 06-Feb-14 07:45:48

Hang on - where does OP say she is constantly talking?

WRT the point about it being hard to support someone with ongoing MH issues - yes it is. But this isn't a recent thing, op says it's been going on foor years. Turn it round. Wouldn't you feel depressed if someone who's supposed to love and care for you has effectively been ignoring you for years?

mammadiggingdeep Thu 06-Feb-14 07:49:47

My ex did this. It is nothing you are doing and it is not (as a poster upthread said) anything to do with him picking up on you not liking him!!! He's abusive. It's gas lighting.

CarryOnDancing Thu 06-Feb-14 08:02:10

CromeYellow, are you the OP's husband or just an emotional idiot? As if there's ever a situation that calls for the immaturity of just ignoring someone?! Especially when they know their partner is hurting.

OP, you are currently carrying a lot of emotional weight because of the abuse you have encountered and it's absolutely terrible that your own DH would add to this burden-and knowingly so. It really is unforgivable imo. I really hope you manage to find some strength to continue this battle alone. I agree with pp's who say that you need to take this journey alone and not count on your DH for support. It seems he's enjoying not giving it to you and in doing so is jut hurting you-this isn't what you do to someone you love so you can discount him as having your interests at heart.

Please speak to your GP about counselling and get any idea out of your head that on someway you deserve to carry this burden. You don't owe your husband anything buy you owe it you yourself and children to be happy. The very best of luck!!

nosextoday Thu 06-Feb-14 10:00:14

I don't need support because of my mental health problems. I take my medication and they work very well. I hide how I really feel inside. I don't put any emotional demands on him at all. I just clean the house and go to work. On the outside, I'm very effective and function well. On the inside I'm screaming because of all the housework, stuff in the media and general drudge of it all whilst he sits around drinking tea. He's a LL and doesn't have to work, so no excuses not to do a bit of housework and keep his things tidy. At the moment, he just feels like a burden. Like an overgrown child who really should start taking responsibility for things. I don't clean up after him I just leave his things messy but it gets me down because it's a small house.

He knows these things get me down. He knows ignoring me gets me down. If I sit down to watch tv, he's like "oh, the cat needs feeding" or "the litter tray needs attention" (I clean it out every day, so it's never bad). It's like he can't stand seeing me sitting down.

I don't talk constantly either. What I say to him are reasonable questions and requests such as "do we have enough coal in" and "please can you bring your washing down". I'm not nagging, sarcastic or unpleasant sad

Helpyourself Thu 06-Feb-14 10:03:01

So why are you still with him?

SolidGoldBrass Thu 06-Feb-14 11:23:40

OK, this man is abusive. I would strongly suggest starting to plan your exit from this relationship. Please don't waste any more time or energy trying to find the magic button that will make him change, because he won't.

mammadiggingdeep Thu 06-Feb-14 11:26:29

You're prob depressed because you live with an abusive man. I've been on the end if this ignoring thing- it's about power.

I can remember screaming at the top of my voice "I have a voice...hear me!!!!!!" That's when I knew I couldn't carry on with it...awful.

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