Is this odd?

[tisrainingagain]

Apologies for TMI. Basically and cutting to the chase, my h and I have, in the 18 years we have been together, never used any sex toys or aids. The other night however, halfway through DTD, I suddenly feel an elastic band around h's erm nether regions . God knows where he whipped this out from as we never have any elastic bands in the house.
It's not the fact that he might want to use it which I find odd, but the not telling me anything about it. This brings up various issues for me. We never ever discuss sex and in general only communicate about superficial stuff (not my choice but h quite a difficult person who is very defensive).
So I said "what's that" to h who of course did not reply. Everything petered out after that as I felt odd on several levels.
What do you think. Is it strange for h to do this without talking to me about it?

[phoolani]

Yup, really odd. I mean, an elastic band out of nowhere is odd anyway, but expecting you not to notice and comment/wonder, really odd.

[sykadelic15]

The band is usually to keep him harder for longer. Perhaps he's been having erection issues or he's keen to impress you for going longer and was too embarrassed to mention it.

It's not "odd" given you state that you rarely talk about deep stuff, sounds about par for your relationship.

He didn't do anything to you that you didn't like or violate you in any way. I feel kinda bad for him quite honestly and hope he doesn't feel like a "freak" now or inadequate in your eyes... :(

[recall]

I agree with sykadelic15

I think its more of an aid for him to maintain his erection rather than a weirdy kinky toy that he hasn't discussed with you.

[plutarch14]

I agree with pp - it's to help him keep an erection. There are loads of elastic band things marketed for this. He probably didn't want to talk about it because men don't like to talk about their dicks not being 100% amazing - find it embarrassing or emasculating. If this is the only thing that's bothering you about your sex life, I don't think you need to worry. But sounds like there might be something else bothering you?

[Monty27]

It should have been discussed though.

[FatherJake]

For god's sake poor bloke was trying to keep it up. You've no doubt made him feel a whole lot worse by acting as though he's just put on a gas mask and asked you to beat him with an oven glove. Apologise to him and resolve to both be a bit more open and understanding about things.

p.s are you actually, genuinely, wondering where he got an elastic band from? Seriously??!!

[FatherJake]

phoolani - just seen your comment.

'an elastic band out of nowhere is odd anyway'.

Seriously am I living in some kind of parallel world where elastic bands are weird, unusual, suspicious objects that rarely show up in houses?????? Do you people not receive post? Do you not frequent a workplace where there are elastic bands floating around? Sometimes I really do wonder.

[jadeddazedandconfused]

Poor op of course you're going to feel a bit strange about it if he suddenly does something different that you haven't heard of and he wouldn't answer when you ask him.
It probably is to help maintain an erecttion but if it's something you've never seen and you don't usually use objects in bed then yes I agree you are entitled to some sort of discussion.

[Deathwatchbeetle]

Never have any elastic bands in the house eh? Now that is odd (fondly looks over at a big pot of the buggers).....

[scattercushion]

Do you never eat asparagus? annoys self with middle class nature of post whilst also thinking fondly of those lilac elastic bands

[tisrainingagain]

Thx for your thoughts. Things petered out after that, I didn't run from the room screaming! We lay there hugging. There is no possibility of discussing this with him even if it were to apologise as he would get cross and not answer.
He has never had any erectile problems before and didn't seem to be at the time. I assumed the band was to increase sensation. I have issues around the fact that h is generally unaffectionate towards me other than during sex. Also with our lack of communication despite the fact that we have been together for so long and have a sex life. I assumed the band was to increase sensation. I too think I was entitled to some discussion.

[tisrainingagain]

scattercushion, how is the thread middle class? Just out of interest. Some responses have made me feel like a prude. Maybe I am a prude .

[AnyFucker]

I don't understand how couples can share body fluids but not discuss something as fundamental as this

Perhaps next time get a whacking great dildo out and start using it on yourself ?

I am just joking, but really, isn't your sex life a shared one ?

I think what is odd is that he didn't tell you what he was doing and whyu

[Keepithidden]

People are wierd AF, until about 6 months ago I wouldn't have been able to discuss a lot of sexual issues with DW. I have communication issues and struggle to deal with shame and embarrasment.

DW is the same, maybe more so than me now. So it isn't really talked about in our household much. I'd love to know more about what she thinks and feels, but some people just aren't that open and without appropriate help will stay that way.

To be fair though, I think I'd probably mention if I was thinking of using a cockring or similar!

[Slongette]

I think scattercushion was referring to her asparagus comment as

[Slongette]

Bollocks posted too soon!

scattercushion's reply about asparagus was middle class!

[Joysmum]

Such a shame that he felt unable to talk to you and sad for you to realise this.

How can you get him to open up about sex. How open is he about sharing his hopes and fears about all other aspects in his life?

I had to retrain my DH too, and it's ongoing. I'm a very open person, he's the strong silent type but appreciates how important it is to share thoughts and doing his best. Doesn't always work and needs prompting when he resorts to his default setting in occasion those occasions being when he MOST needs to talk

[scattercushion]

Correct, Slongette. Would it be wrong to wonder if said elastic band was lilac?

[TinselTownley]

I'd be happier with an elastic band than, another type, say, Coldplay or U2 or something but - yes - it would freak me out that he didn't mention it.

I'd be inclined, as others, that he's worried about erectile dysfunction and too worried and embarrassed to discuss.

It IS better than Chris Martin being wrapped round his penis though, isn't it?

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

tisrainingagain if your H isn't very communicative normally then is it really any surprise it never crossed his mind to mention he was going to try something different. Without debating who on MN swings from the chandeliers and who has sex with the lights off, I don't think it's unreasonable you should wonder why out of the blue he should change the habits of 18 years. It seems sad though that if he is worried about his performance he should not feel able to be open about it with you.

To me it actually seems more worrisome that when you're not actually having sex he isn't affectionate towards you.

[AnyFucker]

I find it hard to understand. Did he think his sexual partner wouldn't notice he had a cock ring/elastic thingy on ? Was she meant to notice but make no comment at all? Are people really so repressed in this day and age ?

[SomethingkindaOod]

After a long interesting discussion with a male stripper some years ago (don't ask....) I found out that it's to maintain an erection for much longer. Downside is that it's apparently agony when it cones off so the chances are if you hadn't found it during you'd have found him doubled over in pain afterwards...
It's very odd that he didn't mention it, maybe he's having issues and is embarrassed?

[Slongette]

scattercushion I would struggle to find a lilac band at this time of year as I only ever eat my asparagus in season, picked fresh from the field by nubile Eastern Europeans!

TinselTownley I now can't get the vision on Chris Martin wrapped around someone's penis.... Do you think it would be Gwyneth's as she definitely wears the trousers in that relationship!

[phoolani]

Fatherjake - Lol. I didn't mean out of nowhere in the OP's sense (I missed that bit of her post), I meant without mentioning it beforehand or without anything 'leading up' to the wearing of one! And in those circumstances, I think not at least commenting on it would have been impossible! I'd certainly ask if one appeared on DP.

[Andy1964]

Whilst some of you may find it hard to understand the fact that long term partners are uncomfortable discussing sexual content it is just that, a fact!

Wearing something like this does keep it up for longer but in addition orgasm feels much more intense.
How you go about broaching this subject is tricky given what you have told us.
The only thing I can think of is to leave a webpage open for him to find if that's at all possible.
You will find some quite discreete 'cock rings' on Lovehoney.
Maybe that will encourage him to discuss it with you