Break up devastation - trying to turn things around

[sami99]

My boyfriend of 5 years broke with me 3 weeks ago. We had our issues and niggles, some related to living quite far apart, but basically we were really compatible.

Our last weekend together did not go well. I was in a bad mood. He departed sooner than planned, then neither of us texted the other for over a week. I assumed he was fed up with me and thought it best to leave him alone, but this non-contact seems to have been one of the things he has been dwelling on. He is a very sensitive type and has walked out a couple of times before in similar circumstances; any form of conflict really upsets him.

I KNOW we can make this work much better with effort which I am prepared to make. I know where I have been going wrong and what I have to do.

Immediately after the break up he sent me an email. Just a link and an X. So, he was telling me he wanted to remain in touch. We've exchanged a few texts mostly initiated by me, but one by him. He seems to be opening up a bit and even used the word 'we' in his last message.

I think I have to suggest a meeting. ( I don’t think he will suggest anything at this point because he won’t want to look as though he is going back on himself?) I’m going to be in his city later this week and could suggest meeting for coffee. I’m confident I can remain calm and collected and positive (outwardly). Does this sound reasonable? Part of me says, forget it, let him come to me, but if I do nothing, I could be waiting a long, long time, and the opportunity might be missed.

[foolonthehill]

^He is a very sensitive type and has walked out a couple of times before in similar circumstances; any form of conflict really upsets him^.

I think that perhaps this relationship might not be as perfect as you wish to make it...and whilst your post is short and obviously you have 5 years of shared history i am wondering if you really are as compatible and whether you might be better off letting him go and finding out who else may be out there for you?

[TheNewSchmoo]

It's all a bit teenage angsty and game playing. Why not pick up the phone and have a chat if you want to try and repair things. I don't think text is the most personal of approaches.

[NaffOrf]

He seems to be opening up a bit and even used the word 'we' in his last message.

You are overthinking this. He broke up with you. Please don't debase yourself by hanging around begging. It's not dignified.

[sami99]

Hi foolonthehill. It wasn't perfect, but it was by far the best of any I have had in my 52 years. He is very sensitive, but then so am I...I'm just as much to 'blame' for any issues we had. And mostly it was really, really good. What was hard was only seeing each other, normally, one day and night per week which meant that it was disappointing for both of us if that day didn't go well. But having said that the vast majority of our time together did go well. Not long ago we were walking around hand in hand; we had a routine on our Sundays and people around town assumed we were husband and wife. I'm so sad!

[sami99]

We don't talk on the phone Schmoo, we never have. He's not comfortable with the phone. He would feel very pressured if I phoned him.

[foolonthehill]

If you feel that it is a relationship that "has legs" and that you are better off with than without him...be it in small portions of time, then I would pick up the phone and have a conversation. say what you want and miss and love about him. Yes you face the possibility of being rejected or finding out that he is feeling differently but at least you will know and be able to arrange your life accordingly. Limbo is never a great place to be in.

Good luck

[foolonthehill]

sorry see that he does not like the phone...how about an old fashioned letter, or an email?

[sami99]

I did some begging at the time of the break up - stress response. I won't be doing that again. I guess if there is to be any chance of reconciliation one of us has to make the first move. I had a break up many years ago; neither of us put any effort into getting back together, through pride or whatever. Many years later it became clear we had both wanted to get back together...

[sami99]

Foolonthehill, any sort of appeal will just make him feel pressured and he will back off even further, I am sure. I think that meeting in person might evoke feelings which a letter or email can never do, though it will take time. My thinking is that if we can meet as 'friends' for a while, this is the best way forward.

[sami99]

He goes hiking occasionally, with a group. We used to do that together. Would it sound reasonable to suggest going with him next time? That way we don't have to talk exclusively to one another. He can get away from me if he wants and vice versa.

[foolonthehill]

beginning to think that my first response was the better one...he sounds difficult and high maintenance. If you can't just say how you feel andwhat you want what kind of relationship is it?

[foolonthehill]

...I wouldn't start stalking him at places you know he might be

[sami99]

Not going to stalk him! He said he wanted us to be friends, so if I take that literally he should be OK with us meeting up. He can be difficult and so can I. He's like a lot of men in that he is uneasy talking about emotional issues.

[MadBusLady]

No, back off. This way lies heartbreak and self-bullshitting. You've not even drawn breath after being dumped before you've decided it's all your fault and you know what you can do to fix it, and you'll damn well put the work in whether he's interested in doing his share or not.

Those actions will not cause him to place a high value on you, or even give him time to miss you (if he's going to). With every friendly cool ex-girlfriend act you put on, you're telling him you're ok with being dumped, you respond by being just as available as you were before, and he'll still get to see you and get a bit of an ego boost out of your obvious affection when he wants one. Stop over-analysing his texts, stop initiating contact, and bollocks to his wanting to remain friends too, that's not solely his decision to make. If it's easier for you to start the healing process with some no contact, then that is what you do.

The great thing about taking this approach is that it is not irreversible. If you decide, three months down the line say, that for the sake of not missing an opportunity you do want to suggest a meetup, you can still do it. But without doing any proper detaching first you are basically riding your whole emotional wellbeing on being able to win him round over coffee because you think your feelings are big enough for the two of you - they're not.

[MadBusLady]

Plus do you realise how many excuses you've made in the course of this short thread for his behaviour and responses, and why you can't take this or that action in case it upsets him or puts him off or turns him into a pumpkin? How much of this dancing around on eggshells did you normally have to do? It sounds knackering.

[superstarheartbreaker]

Sounds like my ex op. Fwiw I'm fed up with these pathetic men who flounce off at the first sign of a row. What they are really saying is ' I won't accept your disagreement. If you show any opinion that conflicts with mine I will threaten to leave in order to punish you.' You snd up putting up with all manner of crap to please them.
Where are the real men who are not threatened by a bit of healthy disagreement and compromise? Why all these idiots who cannot cope with not being deferred to 24/7?