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I have become a cliche.

(41 Posts)
CharCharGabor Tue 04-Feb-14 20:31:00

On Sunday night, my p told me that he didn't love me any more, and has been seeing someone else for three months (although I suspect longer.) I had no idea. We didn't argue, there was no obvious withdrawal or disappearing at odd times. I though our relationship was great. We had so many plans. I feel like it's happening to someone else.

We have 3 dds (6, 3 and 1). Dd1 sobbed when he told her and dd2 was just confused. He is gone now, living with the ow.

I don't know what I want from this thread. Maybe some positive stories about single parenting? I did not see myself ending up here at all. How do I make sure my girls are ok? I'm struggling to eat as it makes me feel sick but I'm doing my best.

Think I'm still in shock.

foolonthehill Tue 04-Feb-14 20:42:03

so sorry Op.

I am single mum to 4, for different reasons.
You will be fine but for now be kind to yourself and your little ones, eat even if you feel you can't (tea and toast will get you though) and do for yourself small acts of kindness.

And be prepared for all sorts of emotions (and none) to hit you at all sorts of inappropriate moments.

You will be ok, so will your little ones.

ElBombero Tue 04-Feb-14 20:45:47

Aw god, he's moved straight in with her sad what an insensitive bastard. I've no experience sorry just couldn't read and run! You will get through this (and no doubt they won't) you'll be bigger and stronger. You will learn to love again and love yourself. Try and stay strong for your babies, let them keep you busy

Dahlen Tue 04-Feb-14 20:46:40

I'm so sorry you're going through this. flowers

Is he behaving well towards the DC - seeing them regularly, paying maintenance, etc?

handfulofcottonbuds Tue 04-Feb-14 20:46:42

I really feel for you gabor.

Do you have close friends and family for support?

SayCheesePlease Tue 04-Feb-14 20:48:16

i'm so sorry, do you have anyone you can stay with while you sort yourself out?
i think your p is a bastard to tell your kids straight out, especially the 3 year old, he might as well have got a drawing pad and explained to the one year old while he was at it!

you will make it through, this will make you stronger, he's gone to the ow, leaving a vacancy there, he's strayed once, and you can bet your last penny he'll do it again

Dahlen Tue 04-Feb-14 20:49:46

In cases like this, I always wonder what would happen if the betrayed partner turned up on the doorstep of the love-nest and said, "what makes you think I would be happy to have the kids with me full time?"

Somehow, the plans for future happiness with the OW/OM never seem to include the DC. hmm

MummyAbroad Tue 04-Feb-14 20:50:30

Sorry this is happening to you OP, I imagine you must be in shock and it will take a while for things to sink in. I agree with fool be kind to yourself as much as you can, and dont put any pressure on yourself to make any big changes or decisions just yet. Do everything at the time you feel ready to and not sooner.

My split from my husband was under different circumstances, but I did find that counselling helped me in those early weeks when I was feeling so shocked and then later on I read a book about divorcing parents with a view to helping my kids get through it all unscathed.

I read this one but other MNers might know a better one.

most of all leaning on good friends and family will help - do you have a support network?

TinselTownley Tue 04-Feb-14 20:54:17

I'm so, so sorry, OP.

I'm a couple of weeks further in and, while the relationship was not good, I am still bewildered as to what brought such a cataclysmic end so swiftly.

You sound remarkably composed but, if you're anything like me, the composure is a coping mechanism in itself. What I'm struggling with is the utter befuddlement coupled with the idea that someone has stolen not just my hopes and dreams but the children's too.

Has he been in contact since or is he hiding like the spineless coward he clearly is?

Are you eating and sleeping? Make sure you do. And tell people. Rely on friends and family.

I'm just so sorry.

CookieMonstersCousin Tue 04-Feb-14 21:03:20

So sorry this is happening to you.
like SayCheese said, your p is totally wrong to be
o be telling your dcs- you should be very angry for that!!

itwillgetbettersoon Tue 04-Feb-14 21:42:46

My STBXH did the same. Told me he was having an affair and then moved in with her. Leaving me and my two sons age 7 and 9. We are two years on now and he is still with her. Boys have not met her yet as my STBXH has not initiated it. It has taken me a long time to come to terms with the shock. I didn't suspect and never thought he was the type to have an affair. I still feel sad for what he has done to our plans, our finances and my babies. It does get easier. I am slowly getting a social life but it is hard as I get no free time. Hugs OP there are so many if us here.

CharCharGabor Tue 04-Feb-14 22:50:32

Thank you so much everyone for your messages. He is a shit, but he's covered it up well. My family, my friends,and me all thought he was the best guy in the world. We were the couple people thought were so solid and supportive. What a fucked up load of shit.

I am feeling like I am on a rollercoaster of emotions. The constant tears have stopped, for now, but I feel antsy. Am embarking on a big clean of the house to rid him from it. New bedding tomorrow, he is getting the rest of his stuff as well so I can arrange everything how I want it.

I have had trouble sleeping, although last night was a little better. I am eating as much as I can, not really enough but better than nothing.

Sorry, had to stop mid-post to settle the baby.

It is such a shock, I could never have seen this coming. But I am going to just keep going, sort out the kids and my finances. I am safe in my house, I made him ring the landlady who is a friend of mine to tell her, and she is ok with me staying.

I will not have any free time, the baby is breastfed and I am not planning on stopping to assist his contact. And I know I can't legally stop him but the kids are not going anywhere near a house full of another woman's things. How confusing would that be for them?

I am lucky that my family and friends are rallying around and being so supportive. They are wonderful smile

I am sure I have missed loads, but thank you all so much for the support.

DorothyGherkins Tue 04-Feb-14 22:55:02

Promise you it gets loads easier with time, although you will probably feel raw and angry for a while.

TheCraicDealer Tue 04-Feb-14 23:01:54

Dahlen, DP's father left his mum for another woman when DP was 10, his brother 7. Soon after his mum let his dad take them for a Saturday afternoon and they completely trashed OW's house. He turned back up on the steps of the family home a week later, asking to come back. I don't know if the two events were connected, but I do wonder....

OP, I don't have any advice but you sound like you're doing fantastically, considering. A good clear out (literally and figuratively) will be distracting and wear you out. Your ex sounds like a knob. A very small one that bends to the left when erect.

Minime85 Tue 04-Feb-14 23:11:22

so sorry you ate going through this. I am in similar circumstances. been on own since Nov. it really does get better. those first few weeks and months are raw as hell.

tell the eldest DC headteacher. make it clear who you want informing of it in the school. I'm sure you are but constantly reassure dcs of your love for them. look into books to help, I used mum and dad glue.

it all started for me in July and I'd wake up each day having to process it all again. it still feels surreal sometimes. but you will set up new routines. get new memories. get things on the calendar to look forward to however big or small.

when you are ready go and see a solicitor to find out where you stand. I found it incredibly sad and daunting to be going but equally empowering to know my next steps.

lean on RL support and take what help is offered. I've found mnet so invaluable, just knowing not alone in this new reality that is now my life. thanks

Firekraken Tue 04-Feb-14 23:36:00

You're not a cliche OP, he is the bloody cliche.

What a pathetic excuse for a father and partner. Ridiculous cliched knobshite.

So glad you have friends and family around to give you strength and love. You'll come through, get over and life will be good again I swear (experience).

His on the other hand...well, it's going to be one big stupid cliche innit.

On a practical note: make damn sure you have your financial ducks lined up asap. See a solicitor. File for divorce (you don't have to follow through if you think something can be salvaged) close joint accounts, freeze savings, and agree contact/access for DC on your terms and claim for maintenance through the CSA. If he wants to top up their 'assessment' then all well and good.

Be bold and be bloody. It's real life after all..chuck out his socks pants and cufflinks and get your mates round for a piss-up.

angry for you.

redundantandbitter Tue 04-Feb-14 23:47:51

Jesus, what a class A idiot (apologies). You poor poor darling. Here's a totally un MN squeeze.

Single with 2 DDs. Aged 5 and 9. You know what? I LOVE my time with the girls - really. Once you get past the fucking awful bombshell that he's landed you with (and you will) you will start to make a life with your 3 lovely Dc's.

Try to eat, especially if you're BF - you can't afford to be run down , sleep , see GP, ask for counselling if you just want to offload / rant and come to terms with the shit.

Grrr stupid stupid blokes. Just want to go round to his OWs house and lamp him . (Pmt getting the better of me).

Have you got some family / good friends nearby?

redundantandbitter Tue 04-Feb-14 23:49:09

Sorry just read the but about your wonderful support that'll teach me not to read all the way to the end doh

CharCharGabor Wed 05-Feb-14 00:27:27

Thank you again for the messages smile thankfully, now, we were not married and were skint most of the time so there's nothing to split. We were about to get a joint account but hadn't yet, glad of that as well.

He says he will financially support us but I'll believe that when I see it, can't trust a thing he says. So I will be making sure that we are safe and independent of him. Anything we get off him will be a bonus.

I am reassuring the dds and answering all the questions they ask. Their teachers all know and are looking out for them.

The most difficult thing for me ATM is that I have to change my identity. The person I defined myself as was a lie. That, I think, will take a while to get my head around.

He is coming tomorrow to get the rest of his stuff. Tbh he was a bit of a lazy hoarder so I'm looking forward to a tidy, uncluttered house smile

I am so sorry for everyone else this has happened to, it is just horrific to imagine that someone could do this to their p and dc. Appalling. And so cliched, ugh it makes me sick. Get a new script, seriously!

Leavenheath Wed 05-Feb-14 01:07:00

So sorry this has happened to you OP and glad that family and friends are rallying around.

This might be a very small comfort, but at least he told you he'd been having an affair and was leaving for someone else instead of what so many blokes seem to do on MN threads - lie that no-one else is involved, instantly setting up their old partners for months of 'will he come back/is he having a breakdown/is he ill' type of misery, which completely stops them from moving on with their new lives.

Awful though this is- and such a shock - at least you know the very worst and can make life decisions accordingly. Good luck.

Firekraken Wed 05-Feb-14 07:46:02

Change your identity?

Mrscaindingle Wed 05-Feb-14 08:11:21

Completely agree with Levenheath at least you know the worst from the start and while it is completely devastating you will get over it more quickly than a series of horrible shocks that me and my DC had to endure over many months.

You sound so strong already Op although I'm sure you don't feel like it most of the time. Just be prepared for it to feel like one step forward and then 2 backwards at times.

He will ultimately be the loser in all of this, you have everything that matters while his new relationship which has caused so much pain will be under a lot of pressure now that he has given up everything for it. Let's hope so anyway.grin

flowers

CharCharGabor Wed 05-Feb-14 08:49:44

I agree, I am actually glad that I know. I would hate the torture of wondering and finding out little bits at a time. Now I can plan accordingly and begin to move on and heal myself and my poor children.

Luckily for me all of our mutual friends are mine, so he doesn't have anyone. His mother is firmly on my side, and his dad and brothers never want to see him again. So I have plenty of support smile ultimately we will end up independent, but now I will be leaning on anyone who is around.

He has put himself in a really shitty position, he has nothing and no one. God, I can't wait til all his stuff is gone smile

CharCharGabor Wed 05-Feb-14 09:05:25

Sorry, by change my identity, I mean that I am a woman in a relationship, with three children. I now have to change that to a single mother of three, and that is difficult for me to get my head. Sorry, wasn't very clear there!

mammadiggingdeep Wed 05-Feb-14 09:16:52

So sorry you're going through this. You sound together despite it all.

On a practical note- when I was in your situation with 2 under 2.5 I had to start making life easy for myself, just to survive without exhaustion. I know it sounds silly but I stopped bathing them every night- for the first few months I just did every other night. Also I used to wash all of their clothes after one wear but I started letting them wear anything that was clean (without the usual toddler paint, food, glue etc) again the next day. I started eating my dinner with them and I was still breastfeeding dd2 so she got in bed with me- gave me optimum sleep.

Have you contacted tax credits?

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