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Secretly save money without dh knowing?

(62 Posts)
LibraryMum8 Tue 04-Feb-14 18:34:57

Sorry this is going to be long. Over six months ago dh confessed to me that he had been looking at p*rn and had joined (though a local pop up add) a site where you could get a secret email where you could email, sext, etc. women in the area. He joined two months before he confessed. After a month of having his profile out there, a woman contacted him (also married) and they emailed, sexted, for a week or so. This was the only woman he had contact with.

We then went on vacation and "he was hoping that it would stop" but she contacted him again. He ended up "meeting" her at a local area about 11:00 pm one night. They started to fool around (touching) and then he left the car and told her he couldn't do it, he loved me, etc. That night he told me (I was asleep on the sofa when the said he "had to go get petrol" at 11:00 at night. I knew he wasn't gone long because he was home about 30 minutes later. The encounter lasted about 10 minutes.

That night he confessed, saying that our sex life had been extremely frustrating for him so he ended up looking at p*rn, and had with a severe lack of judgement signed up to this site. He was right about the sex... it had been disappointing for both of us for quite a while. I constantly brought it up, he never wanted to talk about it. And then of course it snowballs.

ANYway, after a few months of counseling, separately and together, many tears, we have rebuilt our relationship. (We have been married 13 years). I have forgiven him. BUT I never, ever, for any reason, want to ever feel so vulnerable again in this relationship. He knows, that only a spider web of thread kept me from leaving him after such trust and devestating news. So here is the issue. I am a SAHM. I have a small part time job but it really brings in no money. I am considering socking away money without his knowledge, in case some day we Would get divorced. We are in the states, where everything is 50/50. But he makes good money, and we all know how the woman can suffer so financially is a case such as this. He would Really be living the good life, and given my age (50) I would really be struggling raising ds on my own after giving up my career so many years ago.

Of course, I would still have to get a job. But even if I had 5K saved up, it would really help me in case I got into a jam, it would be my rainy day $, and frankly, it would give me a feeling of empowerment. I have spoken to a relative who knows the situation and would be willing to shelter the $ for me. Like I said, it would take me 5 years to squirrel away 5K. I definitely feel guilty for it, but in my mind it's "business, not personal". I have to look after myself. Right??

RandomMess Tue 04-Feb-14 18:37:16

Completely your call IMHO.

davidtennantsmistress Tue 04-Feb-14 18:42:40

Sorry to hear he's being an idiot, but good on you for trying to rebuild your relationship. I personally couldn't do it so well done. However I do think you are being very sensible with a fund; my xh left me and ds a week after payday into a non exists ant over draft literally so broke poor ds would have had no nappies had it not been for my parents who supported us for about a month and gave me a bit of pocket money etc until I'd sorted out my money (sahm) since then I've always had a bit put aside just incase, dp knows I do it, and knows why.

To be so vulnerable isn't a nice feeling. If you can take steps to protect yourself do it I say. Just be sure he's not entitled to half of that from you if you are half from him.

LibraryMum8 Tue 04-Feb-14 18:43:28

I told a friend of my proposed plan and she made me feel worse, by asking, "how would you feel if he did that to you?" Honestly, I think I feel that he had the right to! Yes, he screwed up, yes, I forgave him. But that doesn't take it away that it Did happen and all those feelings, just because you forgive someone don't go away. For worse or better, it will always be between us, my take on it is that forgiving doesn't mean it didn't happen and I should take measures to help myself if I find myself in a similar situation. Yet I feel guilty.

jayho Tue 04-Feb-14 18:43:35

I'd do it in a heartbeat. You've been made to feel vulnerable, you want some security. I live in the uk and in my relationships have been in the position where i could put my child benefit (about £132 pcm) to one side. It's always been my safety net. Hey, if it all works out great, it's a lovely pair of shoes (flippant emoticon). Plus, another thought, no one would judge him for having an emergency credit dard he never uses with 5k on it?

jayho Tue 04-Feb-14 18:47:59

saw your last post, goes back to airplane safety adage 'please fix your own oxygen mask first before helping others'

Cabrinha Tue 04-Feb-14 19:10:24

You know what?
I'd tell him.
This is his going. He betrayed you and he is damn lucky that you're giving him another chance.
None of this squirrelling it away, either.
I would say "you have caused me to consider that one day our marriage could end. I don't want it to, but you have caused this. I feel very vulnerable with access to immediate emergency funds. I have opened this account in my name. I want to transfer £5K of savings into it (or save up x amount from our family income - whatever is reasonable)."

I would say that his response will tell you how serious he is about making you feel safe after what he did. It's no bad thing if he is reminded that you can just up and go.

He needs to committed to making you want to stay, even though you have the money to go.

invicta Tue 04-Feb-14 19:12:59

Seems a good idea. If he ever discovers it, you can just say it's for a rainy day, for your child etc.

sykadelic Tue 04-Feb-14 19:14:36

Sorry but no I don't think you should "secretly" squirrel it away. I DO think you should put money aside but I think you need to be honest and tell him that you don't like having no money to spend and that you feel undervalued as a SAHM, that you works hard but you get no money for working hard. Talk to him about either getting a full-time (or better paying or more hours) job and resume your career, or he needs to start giving you "fun money" to spend as you wish.

The "squirrel it away" feeling isn't a good one though and shows you haven't really forgiven or forgotten and he's being punished for it. I think you need to give him the chance to help you feel more secure, instead of going behind his back about it. If you don't think you CAN ask him about it then there's another issue in your relationship - communication.

Also, if you DID squirrel it away, given that he earns more you probably wouldn't have to give it back but you WOULD need to declare that you had it and it would come into account when determining division of assets/liabilities. Lying to the courts is never a good thing.

redrubyindigo Tue 04-Feb-14 19:14:58

Save up money. I learnt this lesson when I was with ex-dh and didn't save a penny and was left high and dry.

I am in a great relationship with a wonderful man and have been for many years.................but I have a fuck off fund stashed away in a building society.

sykadelic Tue 04-Feb-14 19:17:55

Also, PLEASE do not give the money to your "friend" to look after. Open a separate bank account, set it to online billing (if you don't want him seeing the balance)... but don't give the money to another party. How do you prove you aren't paying them back a debt and how do you expect to get the money back?

I'm not saying your friend isn't trustworthy because I don't know them, but I am saying that it's better to be safe than sorry and that's a LOT of money for you to waste if it turns out they "needed" it and spent it and can't pay it back immediately, or never plan too...

redrubyindigo Tue 04-Feb-14 19:20:32

I have a passbook so no letters come to the house and I can access the money immediately.

Tinks42 Tue 04-Feb-14 19:25:13

Absolutely! You save as much as you can OP! A wise woman always has two purses.

NonnoMum Tue 04-Feb-14 19:31:33

It's called "Running Away Money"... Didn't your grandma tell you on your wedding day that every woman should have some?

Viviennemary Tue 04-Feb-14 19:31:35

I certainly wouldn't trust a relative with my savings. That would not be a good idea. If the money was in her/his name you would have no claim on it. Normally I wouldn't advise deceit between husband and wife. But your DH has cheated and not been honest with you so if you feel saving secretly would help you in a practical way then go ahead.

Cabrinha Tue 04-Feb-14 19:34:07

I'm interested to explore your lack of access to money now. Why don't you have your own account? Why would you have to be secretive? Why can't you just withdraw a starter savings amount from your joint account into a single account with his full knowledge?
You should be able to do that.

TyrionRocks Tue 04-Feb-14 19:35:28

Do it... Leopard may change his spots but then again...

If you are still together in "N" years then you can have a holiday with it

Cabrinha Tue 04-Feb-14 19:37:38

When I'm a grandmother, I shan't tell my granddaughter to have running away money. I shall tell her to always have the financial independence to not need it.

It sounds like you've given up joint control of finances. Get it back. Like I said - if he struggles with that, then you have your answer as to how committed he is to making up for his betrayal and saving your marriage.

Cabrinha Tue 04-Feb-14 19:38:59

And absolutely agree about not giving it to a relative! Even if you utterly can trust them, what if they die suddenly?
Or less dramatic... If you leave, you'll need a bank account and credit history. How much better to already have that.

AuntieStella Tue 04-Feb-14 19:40:06

I think it would be very, very bad for you to stay with this man for a further 5 years.

That doesn't sound like "looking after yourself, right" it sounfpds like disaster.

What other plans could you make?

AcrossthePond55 Tue 04-Feb-14 19:42:29

I think you are very wise to have a 'fuck you fund' stashed away. I agree that it should be in a bank rather than with a friend. Whether or not you tell DH is up to you. You know him, I don't. I would ask myself what would his reaction be if I told him and will he be inclined to 'badger' me for the money if he feels that 'we' need it for something. In other words, will this fund be a bone of contention between you. Personally, I think it gives a feeling of confidence knowing you have the money hidden. You may have forgiven him, but one should never forget the possibility that it may happen again.

As someone suggested, you could always ask him to give you the amount to set aside as a 'security fund', but I'd add to it anyway. AND would he be content to have that money be 'untouchable' until such time (if any) that you feel you no longer need it.

ALittleStranger Tue 04-Feb-14 19:43:27

It's called "Running Away Money"... Didn't your grandma tell you on your wedding day that every woman should have some?

I've heard several times that's what the engagement ring is for. A true gentleman spends twice his salary so his wife can flog it and get away from him if necessary.

In all seriousness OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all and you're friend is naive and unsupportive. But I also think you need to address the bigger picture too.

quietlysuggests Tue 04-Feb-14 19:44:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AuntieStella Tue 04-Feb-14 19:45:17

The spending x times salary on an engagement ring is a De Beers advertising slogan, not a "tradition".

salisburysteak Tue 04-Feb-14 19:48:39

I had this and stupid enough tols him he constantly wants to use it and points out its an asset of the marriage and half his. If u do this use a proper account not relatives and don't fecking tell him about it

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