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Help me see sense please

(25 Posts)
BluBurd Tue 04-Feb-14 12:12:57

I have been seeing a guy for seven months. I made all the wrong mistakes, let him practically move in straight away. Over those seven months he finished with me at least once a month, for various crimes such as talking to another guy on a night out, dancing 'provocatively', putting a picture on fb that a lad commented on. Each time he finished with me he'd ignore me and I'd beg and beg for him to take me back which he eventually would.

Come December, I ended up cutting my wrist, for a multitude of reasons, but ultimately because I just felt worthless.

In January I discovered he took drugs 'now and again' after I caught him in the act of taking some. At the end of January, on a drunken night out, I took some too, unheard of for me, I hate them with a passion but I guess I was doing my usual of doing anything to make him happy with me. I had a terrible reaction to the drugs and nine days later, I am still not over the psychological damage they did to me.

My family finally talked some sense into me and I left him at the weekend and went to stay with them, they have been helping me deal with the confusion, crippling anxiety and insomnia from the drugs and told me they knew he had been psychologically abusing me but thought if they tried to intervene, I would cut them dead.

I haven't heard anything from him but he just called from a number I didn't recognise and I feel like I have taken a massive step backward in recovering and moving forward with my life. I find it hard to believe he is a 'bad guy' and keep thinking how much I wish we could be back together and do all the things we talked about doing. Yet deep down I know that being with him has done terrible things to me. I don't know what to do with myself because I spent all my free time with him, trying to make him happy. I cut my wrist when I am dead against the likes because I lost a family member to suicide. And I took drugs, again something I hate and have always made sure I am not around them because the family member that died, his death was attributed to drug use.

I don't recognise who I am anymore. Now that I am starting to be able to think again, I am so ashamed, embarrassed, hurt, scared and deeply deeply sad.

I want to get better and am fighting hard to get back to the person I used to be but I am on my own at the moment and I just want to call him back and have everything be normal again.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Tue 04-Feb-14 12:37:02

Don't call him. You don't like the person you are with him. You know that "all the things we talked about doing" was just that: talk. In reality, you had a volatile relationship with a drug-taking man who takes advantage of your good nature and treats you badly.

I understand the urge to talk to him now. The desire to get the good bits of the relationship back. But you must stay strong and have absolutely no contact with him.

It's like getting over an addiction: cold turkey.

Each interaction sets you back. But each day without any kind of contact whatsoever is one day closer to the time when thinking about him won't bother you at all.

Right now, and every time you feel the urge to talk to him, distract yourself. Go pick up a book, right now. Put on your shoes and go for a walk or run. Do the dishes. Put on a film. Anything that engages you in some kind of activity, in the here and now.

It's hard but you'll get through it. The first couple weeks are the worst, and then it becomes easy - the way you would pick up any new healthy habit.

ALittleStranger Tue 04-Feb-14 12:53:20

What does normal look like to you? The relationship you had wasn't normal by most people's standards. It didn't sound fun. It didn't sound like it gave you any comfort. Why do you want to go back to that?

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Tue 04-Feb-14 13:00:50

What a nasty man. Trying to get you back in a cage when you have just made it free.

Do not engage with him please. You and your family have done so well.

Would you call a friend or a family member or buddy each time he tries it on? If he harasses you, it would be natural to ask for police assistance. You need time and rest.

Do you feel strong enough to talk to Women's Aid ? I think they offer a very good freedom programme to help woman rebuild themselves after leaving an abuser. They would also have practical advise on making yourself safe.


MorrisZapp Tue 04-Feb-14 13:05:18

Talk is cheap, look at his actions. He's a truly vile specimen and possibly dangerous. Thank goodness you have family who can house and support you through this.

Seven months is the best behaviour, madly in love stage. Not the monthly dumping/ FB drama stage.

Delete all contact, never look back.

BuzzardBird Tue 04-Feb-14 13:20:59

If this was happening to your friend, what would you be telling her? Use your brain OP and ignore the rest of your feelings, they are lying to you.

AnyFucker Tue 04-Feb-14 13:24:42

Come on love, start thinking with your brain and not your sex organs.

< adds a new angle >

Trooperslane Tue 04-Feb-14 13:24:49

Did move into your place? Then you need to get him out and change the locks

And what everyone else said x

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 04-Feb-14 13:40:43

Were you lonely and vulnerable when you got together seven months' ago? Perhaps when you met him he seemed like the answer to your prayers hence begging him to come back to you. Have you been unlucky before, was he an improvement on who you were with in the past? Are you looking for someone better and telling yourself you don't deserve perfection so actually, as bad as things have got with this man, he isn't to blame for any of it?

You do deserve better. Whatever plans you were making, it wasn't real life. He is bad news for you. Are you on your own OP, or do you have dependents, because if you keep seeing him you risk damaging yourself and if you have DCs what lessons are you teaching them?

BuzzardBird Tue 04-Feb-14 13:44:39

AF I didn't put it as bluntly as you...again. (am working on it) grin.

OP if you don't get a complete vote for 'run like the wind' I will sleep with John Mc Cririck.

AnyFucker Tue 04-Feb-14 13:49:41


not the McCririck !

BB, are you going to take one for the team ? (I would rather die). OP, you have to listen now ...

BuzzardBird Tue 04-Feb-14 13:59:35

Couldn't remember his name, just googled "vile horse racing presenter" and up popped his picture. grin

I am pretty sure I won't have to sleep with him though will I OP? <stern look>

BluBurd Tue 04-Feb-14 14:18:00

Donkeys, pretty much bang on. I met him when I was going through a period of ill health. For a while I ha suspected tb, which then was suspected lung cancer and finally was diagnosed as scarring from having untreated pneumonia. I dropped to six and a half stone and was very vulnerable. I did think he was the best thing to happen to me and thought I was happy. So I put up with the weird behaviour and just kept pretending we were good together.

Just about to attend an appointment with harm prevention, they think they can help me sort my head out. I haven't contacted him since the initial call.

Upnotdown Tue 04-Feb-14 16:55:00

Stay strong, OP. He sounds really bad for you. It will be hard at first but try and concentrate on the future. If you let him back into your life, that future would be very bleak. Watch 'Sleeping With The Enemy' and block him.

AnyFucker Tue 04-Feb-14 19:10:56

You are doing well, OP, Stay strong now.

BuzzardBird Tue 04-Feb-14 19:49:54

You have had a really tough time. The only way for you is definitely up. You really need to be good to yourself now and only be around people who
treat you likewise. thanks

Scarletohello Tue 04-Feb-14 19:55:53

If you stay with this man what will your life be like in 2 years time? How will it be if you have children with him ? You have to think of your future. He is a dangerous and abusive man who will drag you down and it will be so much harder to get yourself back. Listen to your family and those who love you who can see him much more clearly than you can.

Stay away from him. You are worth much more than this.

BluBurd Tue 04-Feb-14 22:36:51

Thanks for the replies. The appointment I had today was really brilliant. The support worker believes I am extremely anxious at the moment but is getting support put in place for me and I can drop in and see her daily if I want/need to. She has also put in a referral to a place just round the corner for me that deals with some of the things I am going through. Feeling stronger and hoping with the support I will stay strong and not waver where he is concerned.

Loggins Tue 04-Feb-14 22:52:46

Just concentrate on yourself sweetie. He doesn't make you feel better does he?
You really really don't need or want him in your life.

I'm so glad you have help, listen to them and your gonna be ok.
And we are here to hold your hand too x

BluBurd Tue 04-Feb-14 23:21:21

No loggins, he doesn't make me feel better. It's been no real relationship, having to watch what I say or do incase he doesn't like it and does his disappearing act on me, not being able to look forward to any plans because of expecting another drama before they arrive.

What's made me happy today has been focusing on my dc. The only time I cried today was during the phone call and at the appointment when discussing him. He doesn't make me feel better at all.

Loggins Wed 05-Feb-14 08:05:26

It's good to talk about it and to cry so don't feel bad about that. What do you have planned for today?

BluBurd Wed 05-Feb-14 08:05:47

Morning all. Didn't sleep well at all last night, anxiety attacks keep waking me up. Forcing myself to take dc to nursery, it's important dc goes as dc will be going to school this year.

Have had some texts from him, mostly saying he wishes there was some way around all that's happened, that he loves me and can't sleep.

I wish I could fast forward a month or so and stop in a time where things are easier. I know he was bad for me but I can't stop myself missing his presence, he has been my 'normal' for seven months, it's really hard trying to get back to normality after 'drug induced psychosis' when that normality is not what I am actually used to.

Another visit to the drop in clinic today and hopefully finally a referral to another place that helps people like me that have gone through trauma either self inflicted or not.

I know at some point soon, I am going to have to face up to spending the night alone in this house, I haven't been able to be on my own since the night I took the drugs. My Exh has actually been staying with me, which has been great but I can't expect him to do it forever.

Loggins Thu 06-Feb-14 00:27:12

One hour at a time. Then one day at a time. It will get easier I promise.
Try not to reply to the texts. There is nothing left to say.
Think of you and your DC.

It's ok to accept help from your Exh. If he says he can't stay any more then you can work something else out, don't worry about this now

BluBurd Thu 06-Feb-14 08:03:24

I had a busy day yesterday, saw a total of four professionals that believe I am okay and don't need professional help. I am happy with that but had another anxiety attack last night, my mum had to stay with me until it passed. I managed to fall asleep and stay asleep too, with no palpatations or waking up scared.

I am trying my first day back at work today. I still for feel strong but the alternative of sitting about the house, either crying or panicking doesn't really appeal.

I haven't heard from him in 24 hours now and hopefully won't. My mother discovered someone she knows, knows him really well and he is a narcissist. I didn't know what that meant but had a read up of it and he definitely fits the bill.

Here's hoping for an event free day at work.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 06-Feb-14 09:04:35

Glad you got a good sleep and that your DM and exH have been looking after you.

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