I am a regular but have nc i have bipolar and since my episode started I've fallen out of love with Dh. The problem is I've fallen in love with another. I hate myself for this Dh is a good man and he is still my best friend but I just don't love him anymore.
I can't leave because I'll lose the house and I don't wanna do that to my kids. I feel so trapped and that my only way out is suicide. I've even started taking drugs and as a child of a addict it's something I swore never to do. Which only makes me hate myself all the more I don't get out of bed nd the only time I'm happy is when I'm with the person I love or on drugs. I can't seem to wait for my next hit so I can escape this hell. I'm such a pathetic excuse for a mother. I'm doing to my kids what was done to me.
I am no expert but didn't want to read and run. Do you have medication? Have you been taking it? Please ring your gp or whoever supports you with your mental health. You can be helped. Hang in there, one step at a time but please get some help.
Tell The Samaritans what you have told us. Ring your doctor. Keep posting here.
Desperate as you are feeling, you still think with a mother's instinct, you know that your children need you. Anything reckless you do will affect them for years afterwards, they will blame themselves. Nothing justifies that burden. Please phone someone.
You don't need me to tell you that part of the reason you probably feel this way is the drugs. You really need help to get off them and being around someone who is also an addict is only going to make things worse as it will normalise it.
Not loving your husband is not a crime. It's sad yes but people get divorced everyday. I've been divorced twice and am now remarried (I left first husband, second left me). If you have young children and are a responsible parent (no drugs!) the courts will usually let you keep the house. Get a solicitors advice.
You don't need to end your life because you've fallen out of love. You just need to fall in love with yourself. Distance yourself from the other man. You're too vulnerable to be around him.
OP, first you need professional help. And kjck the OM to the kerb.
Fairylea, is it fair that the OP has turned her back on her husband as she's found someone else and her husband has to leave? I agree that falling out of love isn't a crime but why should her OH suffer?
Indeed - I'm not suggesting the husband leave to make him suffer. I'm suggesting that if the op is the main carer for the dc then in all normal circumstances she will be entitled to keep the family home until such time as the children have left education or she can purchase her husbands share if financial circumstances change. Of course her husband would be sad, but two people living together unhappily is sad for both of them and any children involved. By leaving her husband he is free to find someone else and in turn find happiness again too, as is the op. It isn't about making someone suffer. Everyone is already suffering.
Op please seek some help. Go and see your gp.
Also you say you don't think you would be able to afford the mortgage with a disabled child - please visit turn to us website (Google it) and enter details as a single parent and see what benefits you would be entitled to. As per my previous comment if you are legally married your dh may be responsible for making maintenance payments towards the mortgage to allow you and dd to remain there. Please get a free short appointment with a solicitor and ask, at lleast then you'd know.
I have bipolar too and when I'm in a manic or depressive state I can barely look at Dh. But I know that's the mania talking. Are you on lithium or any other medication still? Can't believe they discharged you, is there not a community mental health person to see you or that you can call. There should also be a crisis line you can call. Please don't be ashamed or worried about the drug use they are experienced in this. I spent 30k in my last manic phase! You must go to your Gp and get to see the psychiatrist again please do before you do something that you and your dcs will regret forever.
Can you at least tell your dp that you are having an episode? Does he know to support you?
You know this is the bipolar taking, not you. Once you are back to yourself then you can look at your relationship again and decide what you want with a clear head. I really hope you get some help soon, it's a terrible feeling but with help you will get better