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Caught partner out with his lies, worried by silence.

(18 Posts)
lyingpartnerworries Tue 04-Feb-14 00:11:15

I confronted him this morning, he swore he's now told me the truth after I found out more details. I've now discovered more details that devastate me. He must realize that when he swore earlier today that he told me everything, that I was going to find out more later today. It's stupid lies he's told. It's the dishonesty that kills me.

He's not phoned me. I'm worried he's done something stupid. My mind is just racing. I can't get over the blatant lying. He got our children to lie to me about this female friend being at his house. They've told me all about it now. I'm worried he's hurt himself as he seems very unstable. He was acting strange earlier. I expected him to phone and we'd have a massive row, or he'd turn up at my house.

We split up last year and I moved out. We are trying to sort things out and become a family again. My mind is just racing.

olympicvibes Tue 04-Feb-14 00:31:05

Hi. Sorry you are having such a bad time. I don't know if I have this right; You are currently trying to reconcile with your partner after a split but still living apart? i.e he knows you want to try again?

Now you find out he has lied to you and got your children to lie to you about a 'female friend' at his house. What was that all about? Getting his children to lie for him is despicable. Has he been seeing someone else? Is this the first time it has happened or has he got form for this?

Sounds like he is in hiding mode tbh and anyone who uses their own children to lie like that is a coward.
How was he acting strange? Guilty? Nervous? Or cold?

Sorry for asking you a lot of questions.I just want to understand what your current situation is with him a bit better.

lyingpartnerworries Tue 04-Feb-14 01:08:01

He had an ex who cheated on him; he hates cheaters. He has female friends that are very flirty with him but they seems innocent enough even though it upsets me.

It might be her - the ex that cheated on him.

He was on the phone texting and facebook all the time after we split and before I moved out. It was so sudden and out of the blue when we split. We'd been arguing but nothing more than normal. He just went really nasty and aggressive and unreasonable. He says it was a breakdown.

He won't admit anything, I had to find proof before he admitted anything.

He made the kids promise not to say anything.

We are supposed to be getting back together but his lies have been revealed.

He was acting very nervous. I called him a liar several times and he didn't react to it.

The woman at the house was apparently someone he knew from work who got the wrong idea and went psycho after he told her he wanted to have me back. She said he'd led her on (according to him). He lied about inviting her over. He told the kids beforehand that a friend from work was coming to visit. He told me she just turned up. He describes her as ugly but she is a stunning blonde. He says she's not his type but she is.
I am so upset at the lies, I don't know what's gone on and everything is going around in circles. I worry he has done something stupid as I think he does really love me - but then I think - how can he?

lyingpartnerworries Tue 04-Feb-14 01:12:07

He went to pieces after I moved out but I was desperate to stay.

I suspected OW but he denied it.

lyingpartnerworries Tue 04-Feb-14 01:15:22

He was checking my phone and telling me we should not go out with anyone else for at least 6 months after we split. He was really jealous of male friends helping me move etc. I did have a few men wanting to date me after the split but it was too soon.

olympicvibes Tue 04-Feb-14 07:04:57

Sorry I went to bed before I saw your replies. How are you feeling today?

He sounds all over the place and he's dragging you along with him. He turned nasty very suddenly and forced the split and was acting very suspicious at the time and he has made the kids lie to you.

He isn't doing anything to work things out with you. He needs to be honest and you know he isn't being. I can't believe he has been so stupid and cruel to get your children involved. How old are your dc by the way? I would think very strongly now about taking back control of your life where you make the decisions from now on.
It sounds as if up to now he has been in control. He has NO right to tell you what to do or check your phone.

Was he physically aggressive around the time of the split? He needs to address his insecurities and problems instead of using the repercussions of his cheating ex as an excuse to treat you appallingly. If he hates cheaters why is he now lying to you about 'ugly' ( and that in itself is a massive red flag) woman who got the wrong idea about him and went 'psycho'?! That story is just ridiculous and so full of red flags.

Hissy Tue 04-Feb-14 07:25:16

Put your emotions to one side and focus on what you need to do.

Leave him.

Life and relationships are not supposed to be this hard.

Without him in your life, things will start to feel better very soon.

princessalbert Tue 04-Feb-14 07:27:58

Put your emotions to one side and focus on what you need to do.

Leave him.

Life and relationships are not supposed to be this hard.

Without him in your life, things will start to feel better very soon

^^ This.

lyingpartnerworries Tue 04-Feb-14 08:19:55

Thanks for your replies. I'm ok today. Didn't sleep all night and struggling to eat, very worried about him though. I think he does love me, I feel empty and unsure what I want.

Kids are 5.

lyingpartnerworries Tue 04-Feb-14 08:21:00

Have to get to course now and get kids to school.

Hissy Tue 04-Feb-14 19:13:28

That's not love, love smile

He's trying to control and manipulate you.

He has no right to pick up your phone, let alone check it.

Please bin him, for good.

You won't regret it.

Tinks42 Tue 04-Feb-14 19:35:59

OP, why are you worried about him?

Get rid of him he's a right piece of work isn't he.

You should be saying good riddance to bad rubbish really you should.

Making your children lie for him, that is some low disgusting twunt.

If you don't get shot of him, what on earth are you teaching the kids?

olympicvibes Tue 04-Feb-14 20:28:15

This is how it sounds to me. He is playing with you-he wants you to be there while he does whatever he wants. He also has made you actually worry about him when you have every reason to tell him where to go.

Please don't worry about him, he isn't worrying about you AT ALL. You can decide what happens next and it doesn't need to be based on his terms.

It also sounds like the worry you have for him having a breakdown or thinking he might hurt himself is because of what he has said to you to manipulate you into feeling he does love you underneath it all. That way he can keep you hanging on, instead of walking away.

There is no respect, care or love from this man for you. His lies are so bad, it's as if he doesn't care how blatant the lies are or he wants to hurt you-either way he is not good enough for you and you don't need any of this.

Tinks42 Tue 04-Feb-14 22:17:53

OP, my ex threatened me that he would take his life (and really it was a "threat" made to make me feel bad). I told him in no uncertain terms that he should go and do it, he could also borrow any paraphinalia needed, the only request I had was not to leave a mess for anyone else. I told him to just go and kill himself in some corner somewhere. Guess what, he's alive and well.... people that threaten another with things like that never ever do it, they are the lowest of the lows.

Tinks42 Tue 04-Feb-14 22:19:33

He's using silence as a weapon OP.... people like him are very good at this. It's an awful very painful form of abuse.

Loggins Tue 04-Feb-14 22:43:58

I'm sorry you feel like crap at the moment.

Write down a list, you know, pros and cons.
We can all tell you he is an arse but you have to see it and realise this before anyone can help you

lyingpartnerworries Thu 06-Feb-14 15:01:16

Thanks.

Well I checked on him and he was still alive. Still swearing he's telling the truth about no affair.

I can't tell if he's telling the truth or not. I want to believe he's telling the truth and there is only one main lie he told. The description he gave me of 'ugly' is still the complete opposite to my kids description.

He's not gone to work this week. If he loses his job then he's screwed and will fall apart. He seems very quiet and apologetic and fussing over me.

His story does sound implausible but he does attract women and acts as if he's oblivious to their interest in him and is just being friendly; he gets his ego stroked, I get annoyed and the women are made to feel attractive by his interest/plus feel one over me whose being ignored in the corner?

I can sort of see how someone could take his flirting the wrong way, plus he's stopped all that shit since we got back together. He's a lot more guarded when speaking to other women.

I'm not ready to end things completely yet - but my patience with him is wearing thinner. This just seems like another occasion where my love and respect for him is eroded slightly more.

Jan45 Thu 06-Feb-14 15:29:35

Sorry but you'd have to be really desperate to believe him, classic behaviour of a cheat.

Why do you want to be with a man that needs adoration from other women, you should be enough.

He sounds like a serial shagger to me sorry.

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