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I'm going to end up with no friends- please help me cope with myself!(19 Posts)
Short history: six months ago I split with DH (together 16 yrs, married 13)... it had been falling apart for several yrs... and when he accused me of having an affair, I asked him to leave. It is not been an easy six months and communication has broken down completely. He's moved out of the area and does none of the childcare but wants the kids pretty much all weekend, every weekend. I told him that it wasn't going to happen as I recently went back to work full time and have no time with them at all at the moment. To cut a long story short, he has gone to a lawyer (we've been avoiding it) and as a result, I have had to get one too. I'm heartbroken. I am obviously gutted that my marriage has fallen apart; that my kids are in this position; that I will have to find money that I don't have to pay for a lawyer that I don't want or really feel like I should have had to have. I heart sick and run down and tired. And sad. I'm very, very sad.
So, how am I coping with it all? Well mainly, at work and in the community, I'm doing well. However, in my personal life I'm so hurt and angry and disappointed that I'm not taking any nonsense from anyone. I'm too aggressive and blunt and unforgiving of all of the people in my life at the moment. I've been in such a unhappy place for so long, both in the marriage and now out (to a much lesser degree now to be fair) but I'm taking no prisoners. If someone disagrees with me then I blatantly tell them that I think they are wrong. It's like a compulsion. I've lost the plot with several friends already. They are my friends and they have forgiven me but my closest friend has now fallen out with me because of my hideous attitude (certainly justified to a degree but still disappointing). I feel very alone. Several of my friends have already opted out at the beginning of the split. I think I'm reacting to having control of my life again after years of being emotionally, practically, and financially controlled... but in an unreasonable way. Please help me reign myself in. Or tell me how to cope. Or even that it will go away. I'm in a miserable place right now and am not sure I can keep coping with it without completely telling everyone to f-off!
Thanks for reading my novel!!! Any advice would be greatfully appreciated.
How do you know it's your fault? I don't know what it is exactly that you think pushes people away, but perhaps it's them?
When your relationship implodes you really find out who your true friends are. (In my case not the ones I was expecting.)
It's natural to be filled with anger at everything at this stage. It must be liberating to be fully in charge of your life. It's also a massively stressful situation.
Have you had any counselling? I would suggest that as well as going to the gym to let off some steam.
Cut yourself some slack though.
I had this after losing a baby near term in a very distressing way. I was in so much pain that I just couldn't manage polite social norms and I definitely offended some people. I don't think there was anything I could do about it though apart from avoid social situations and some people for a long while. Some people understood though so maybe find those and put other relationships on hold a little until you feel better able to manage.
Interesting that you say that Nomnom, I'm incredibly drawn to emotionally unavailable people- where the relationship is dependant on my not rocking the boat. DH was like that, current bff is also similar. I am only realising how screwed up I am and how conditional some of my relationships are. Other friends are more accepting but often don't connect with me on the wavelength of the others (dysfunctional family- alcoholic parent). But I am hugely arrogant and judgmental at the moment. Think I may need counselling- not sure when I'd fit it in or how I'd pay for it but think it would be valuable. Am just very aware that I am going too far in either direction and can't seem to stop myself. It's very hard.
Thanks lucy and I'm so terribly sorry to hear about your loss. I feel like I'm not able to find it in me to smooth things over as though I just don't have the energy that it takes to pander. I'm a mess.
Have you considered some counselling to help you deal with these feelings? as an outlet rather than it coming out in your every day life?
Am very sorry you are having to go through this I have to say though, i rather like folk who say what they think, rather than what they think i want to hear.
You'd love me then LEM- but perhaps only in short bursts! I think I will sort out some counselling!
Another one here! I seem to be the queen of storming out of restaurants - 3 times. I've also been on dates and told the unfortunate fellas that all men are selfish selfish selfish . It all came from the pain of break up and mild depression. Short spell of ads helped and I'm very lucky to still have a couple of good friends left! Feel better now but it's 4 years after the break up and I still shouldn't drink cos that can bring it out again
Fell out with two excellent friends last weekend after a heavy day celebrating... just flat out told them they were wrong to have a certain opinion and then got really aggro with one of them for not having my back! It was so embarrassing. Woke up the next day mortified and annoyed with myself. Am too scared to even think about men as I tore a strip off a chap that I only even moderately liked for no reason other than he said something I felt was too similar to stuff I'd heard from the ex. I'm overly liberated.
Wish I was overly liberated in some other ways...
What's annoying is that that I can be great but at the moment I can just be a giant PITA! Thanks folks- real life is a struggle at the moment. I love MN for the support/ reality you can get here <<shrugs at the uncharacteristic pleasantness I've just displayed>>
I'm guilty of this too. Not so much with close freinds, but more with acquiantances and strangers. DP has been really ill (in hospital for 3rd time in 2 months atm). Somebody I know who is a rude man spoke to me badly a few weeks ago (he does this to people all the time) and to say I gave him a piece of my mind is an understatement. Somebody drove very fast down our street a few weeks ago so I followed him home and absolutely bollocked him (loads of schoolkids around at the time). He was like this It's because life if so, so tough at the moment. I don't know what the answer is.
I can't be bothered with mousey types who tiptoe through life, exchanging meaningless platitudes and nodding in agreement even when they vehemently disagree.
It's liberating to state who you are and what it is you think.
Shall we all go on a date?
Are you still angry/sure you're right about the friend(s) you fell out with?
I went through a difficult time after having DS and fell out with everyone! Family, best friend, DH, no one was safe. There were only a couple of people that didn't piss me off.
Everyone blamed it on PND.
Having come out the other side, I realise I was sick and tired of the one way treatment. I propped too many people up for very little in return. So I started being honest and they all thought I was mentally unstable
We are all friends (ish) again now but my boundaries are different. Sometimes stress makes you reevaluate things.
Pleaseno- I think I'm half right and half wrong. I apologise for myself all the time though and have just run out of the will to do so. I seem to have surrounded myself with people that are either perfect or have yet to learn how to say sorry. It's exhausting.
You sound pretty cool to me too, you're assertive, nothing wrong with that, and maybe some of your friends needed telling.
Seriously though, your true friends will understand and stick by you. Perhaps now you feel you have a voice and are a little carried away with using it...
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