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For those who followed my 'Female Wisdom' thread...

(11 Posts)
DomesticatedDad1 Mon 03-Feb-14 19:27:17

Thank you for your advice on my wife's behaviour. I greatly appreciated most of your comments and some of them made me chuckle. It sometimes feels like a wind-up to me too, but I can assure you it is only too real!!

You certainly made clear your feelings about her fantasising about other men. And about my lack of action/not wanting to confront the situation. Which of course was spot on. But then if you appreciated the extent of my insecurity, stemming from a sexual inadequacy that utterly undermines my self-confidence, you would appreciate why I am what I am. And when you are so desperate to maintain a relationship of 20 years that you would do anything for it to carry on, you don't want to confront, to be tough, to condemn.

My marriage has problems, I know that. And I know that my wife's behaviour is wrong. But I also believe that she is struggling to cope in a relationship that fails to meet her sexual needs at the very time that they have taken off.

On the plus side, we do communicate. We have talked about these problems before and at length since my original posting on Friday. I believe our openness is a strength. Where posters condemned her for being indiscreet or contemptuous, I believe she was being honest and direct. What she has been thinking/doing may have been wrong, but she did not hide it from me. For me, fantasising privately/secretly is far more problematic in a relationship. I have told her that it can hurt when she closes me out and she has promised me she will seek to re-focus her sexual feelings on me. She has also shared with me how much she has needed a thrill and a buzz that fantasy can give. We have come closer through that communication.

I don't know what the future holds for us. But I do know that our marriage is not something I am going to throw away because of her mistakes or my inadequacies. Loving someone is about accepting who they are, sticking by them and asking them to stick by you. I love my wife and, despite those of you who doubt it, she loves me very much. I believe she has stayed faithful to me and I believe she always will - and I to her. My posts here - and your responses - have really helped me to understand what I think and feel. And yes to front up and get the issue discussed. But there's nothing macho or tough about condemning the person you love or asserting your needs over theirs. Being strong doesn't have to mean being harsh, and love isn't weak.

Thank you for helping me know this and thank you for the part you played.

DomesticatedDad1 Mon 03-Feb-14 21:33:12

...and I'm hoping for a better night's sleep from now on too... wink

AnyFucker Mon 03-Feb-14 21:36:31

What happened to your other thread, and your other posting name ?

DomesticatedDad1 Mon 03-Feb-14 21:38:13

Other thread is still there a few pages back I think. Couldn't log in so just adapted name.

AnyFucker Mon 03-Feb-14 21:40:59

why don't you post on your original thread then ?

it's best to do that, so people have the info to hand

Peekingduck Mon 03-Feb-14 22:39:05

I remember your thread Op. Hope all goes well for both of you in the future. It's really nice to get the update.

Lazyjaney Mon 03-Feb-14 23:44:08

I think too many people were starting to ask hard questions on the old thread....

AnyFucker Tue 04-Feb-14 00:00:07


AndTheBandPlayedOn Tue 04-Feb-14 13:41:23

DDad, with all due respect, you are in a state of denial.
You have created a fine framework of justification above.
But from your previous thread, from what you wrote, it was/is evident that your wife -even though physically occupying the same bed as you- has emotionally checked out of your relationship, at least your sexual relationship.

Discovery can be a shock, and a response to that often may be more disertations of justification.

The strategies in the bedroom that you and your wife have agreed to abide by was a model of adults dealing with the imperfections of life. But, people do evolve and, imho, your wife is no longer satisfied with that framework. The agreement may seem like a contract, but expecting her to toe the line on the agreement may not be justifiable if it is just not working for her.

hookedonchoc Tue 04-Feb-14 21:27:02


Thanks for the update. Glad you are communicating, hope all continues to improve smile

badbaldingballerina123 Wed 05-Feb-14 00:02:08

I agree with thebandplayedon.

Your reluctance to assert some boundrys and your desperation to do whatever it takes will also be incredibly unattractive to your wife.

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