Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

We All Make Mistakes

(407 Posts)
MyMistake Mon 03-Feb-14 18:34:37

I have done something silly. Had an affair with a married guy (no DC's).

I should have known better. I did know better logically but let my heart take me into it somehow.

I have been on other side of something like this in the past so feel pretty knowledgeable on the subject. But I still did it.

And now I feel rubbish. I am in a position where I will see him about quite frequently and need to get over myself. He is a good person - appreciate that many will dispute this but I do believe this to be the case and this is really the reason that it ended. Need to get rapidly to the point where I can look back on it fondly and be peaceful - but right now I'm nowhere near there.

Posting for a shoulder and hopefully to remind others that however you feel an affair is generally never a good idea.

Monetbyhimself Mon 03-Feb-14 18:41:50

Look back on it fondly ? Really ?

wombat22 Mon 03-Feb-14 18:42:55

What's done is done. No point beating yourself up about it. You obviously had feelings for him but you know that it's right that it has ended. Only time will bring you to the place where you want to be. Or meeting someone who is free for you exclusively. wine

MyMistake Mon 03-Feb-14 18:44:14

Yes .. I guess that seems strange. But we will see each other often and I don't see the need for upset or drama to be honest. I guess that sounds weird?

MyMistake Mon 03-Feb-14 18:45:51

I agree Wombat completely. I just want to accelerate the hurting bit and not feel hurt for ages. I know that's a bit pathetic but I'm not enjoying this bit at all.

TinselTownley Mon 03-Feb-14 18:47:05

It was never going to end well but, yes, we all do make mistakes.

I wouldn't waste your fond thoughts though. Whatever 'nice guy' crap he's been feeding you will only appear less appetising as time goes on.

Has he suggested you look for another job yet or do you think he'll be back trying it on the second his (doubtless) cold, inconsiderate, hateful wife upsets him again?

Sparklysilversequins Mon 03-Feb-14 18:47:53

You want a shoulder to cry on?! Good luck getting that here.

I think you're full of crap and trying to create a big old bun fight.

babyready Mon 03-Feb-14 18:48:07

Is it definitely over? Are you able to remove yourself from the situations where you'd see him? From experience, clandestine shenanigans have a way of lingering on, despite good intentions!!

Either way, there's no use in torturing yourself - get out of the house, see friends, go to the gym, watch all the box-sets you've been meaning to, whatever floats your boat, but def don't sit around feeling rubbish! Life is too short smile

MyMistake Mon 03-Feb-14 18:49:06

It wasn't a work thing.

And he was never horrible about his wife ever.

That's another reason why the whole thing was so silly really.

30SecondsToVenus Mon 03-Feb-14 18:49:53

Do you think his wife will ever get to the stage where she will look back on it fondly?

What a disgusting selfish statement to make. Even if his wife doesn't know now, it will come out eventually it always does.

What's done is done but there is never a reason to get involved with a married man no matter what the circumstances are. Any decent person wouldn't go near any married human regardless of feelings.

ITCouldBeWorse Mon 03-Feb-14 18:49:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouStayClassySanDiego Mon 03-Feb-14 18:51:34

You're going to see him frequently, are you strong enough not to fall back into bed with him if you're feeling weak.

Can you change jobs?

Don't think you'll get many shoulders though.

MyMistake Mon 03-Feb-14 18:52:49

It is definitely over. You're right about getting out and about. Am trying.

Am not trying to create a bun fight. Have been on mn a long time and read countless affair / relationship posts. But still I got hooked into this.

My XH had an affair so I am very aware of this from the other side. Perhaps oddly I did come to terms with my XH's affair quite quickly and bear him no malice. Not for the affair anyway.

familyscapegoat Mon 03-Feb-14 18:53:59

I wouldn't think it's a reasonable aim to look back on this 'fondly' because if you genuinely regret the harm this has caused to yourself and others that would be an impossible feat.

However I think it's important to take responsibility for your role in it and much healthier than blaming it all on the married man, or factors outside of your control. I support you in that completely.

I don't doubt he is a good person, or that you are a good person. But you both did something that was by any objective standards, bad and wrong. It's up to him to dig deep and find out why he behaved that way and the same for you. But you're the only one who can change your own behaviour in the future.

TinselTownley Mon 03-Feb-14 18:55:05

If it's not work, why would you still see him frequently?

You should stop that straight away. It's just extending the betrayal you've been complicit in.

If you also see his wife frequently then I have no sympathy at all, despite knowing how convincing and cajoling men like this can be.

MyMistake Mon 03-Feb-14 18:55:06

All fair points.

It is over and needs to be over. We have agreed that and that is that.

It actually stopped before we got into it too deeply so that at least is a good thing.

MyMistake Mon 03-Feb-14 18:56:48

He works within my local community.

I have never met nor will meet his wife.

Monetbyhimself Mon 03-Feb-14 18:56:58

Does his wife know ? Has she been given the opportunity to make decisions about checking her sexual health. Or the future of a marriage with a lying bastard?

Or does none of that fit in with your plans to look back fondly ?

MyMistake Mon 03-Feb-14 18:58:22

I am thinking a lot about why I behaved that way and did throughout. I haven't yet totally figured it out. But I am working through that as I know it's not good at all that I did it despite knowing it was wrong.

MyMistake Mon 03-Feb-14 18:59:25

Luckily it didn't get that far. It was largely emotional.

KingRollo Mon 03-Feb-14 18:59:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyMistake Mon 03-Feb-14 19:00:28

He knows it was a shitty thing to do and that is why it has stopped.

FootieOnTheTelly Mon 03-Feb-14 19:06:20

This is an odd OP confused ???

You need to look back on it with regret and shame. We all make mistakes but some people learn from them and others don't.

He isn't a 'good' person. He was/is a player. I don't know how old you are but you need to grow up.

The upside is that it's over - there isn't that much point rehashing this over and over, you just need to be certain that it won't ever happen again.

Good luck for the future.

familyscapegoat Mon 03-Feb-14 19:08:21

You probably won't be at peace with this until you do figure out why you got involved with a married man, but it strikes me you're already on the right lines by not blaming him for all of it, like so many OW seem to do rather than taking responsibility for their own behaviour and decisions. You both made bad choices. You've only got power over your own in the future though, not anyone else's.

familyscapegoat Mon 03-Feb-14 19:09:46

I disagree someone who has an affair while married is a player. Married women having affairs aren't accused of that and I see no reason to treat married men differently.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: