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DH is useless with money

(36 Posts)
givemecoffee Mon 03-Feb-14 15:42:37

We're in massive debt - half of it is his gambling debts. Every month is a struggle.

We've been there, done GA etc and for 2+ years I've had control of his money and we're finally seeing the benefits. Except he's been lying, he still owes money to friends and is quite willing to take every penny he can and leave me with nothing, just to cover what he owes them. He continues to smoke and goes to the pub every day after work while he waits for me to pick him up.

I'm not naive, his pay goes into my bank, the bills are always paid. But I want him to start suffering the consequences, without leaving him with no alternative but to gamble again.

I'm so angry with him, but not sure how I can make him realise that he's not having any money from me unless he accounts for his spending, without me sounding like his mother, lecturing him and giving him no real responsibility.

btw he's happy for me to dish out pocket money, but it's obviously not enough and hes borrowed until he can't pay it back and then breaks down and tells me.

I could throttle him. I've screamed at him, he says he's ashamed and sorry and can't cope etc.

He's the sweetest, kindest, most loving, warm-hearted person who is my best friend as well as my husband, but I have reached the end of my tether with the shit financial situation.

I have no one to confide in about this. I know I should leave him to get on with it, we split whats left after bills and if he cant survive on it then touch, but I always give in and give him what I have.

I know things have been a lot worse, but I can't accept the lies. Not after everything we've been though.

Frostybean Mon 03-Feb-14 15:55:02

Oh givemecoffee I really feel for you. This must be so difficult and frustrating. Someone with more knowledge about this will be along soon but I just wanted to say, I understand as I've gone through a similar situation recently. Do you seriously not have anyone you can talk to IRL about this? Do your siblings/parents know?

Joysmum Mon 03-Feb-14 15:58:25

There's a big difference between not being good with money and gambling, lying, drinking and smoking everyday.

How is that sweet, kind and loving.

If he was concerned then surely the drinking and smoking would go until he got himself straight again?

Jan45 Mon 03-Feb-14 15:59:33

I work full time have no debts and I can't afford to go to the pub every night, and smoking is a very expensive habit.

What has he actually done apart from let you be his mother?

WireCat Mon 03-Feb-14 15:59:43

It's horrendous. A family member has gone through the same with her dp.

Is he prepared to go to gamblers anonymous?

givemecoffee Mon 03-Feb-14 16:40:50

He's been to GA, both our families know. We still owe them money. He has a stressful job and the culture there is lunchtime drinking etc. No excuse I know.

He has an allowance which he's pissing up the wall. I'm not giving in and giving him extra so he's borrowing off his so called friends. I've already told him to tell one of them he's no longer my friend, as he know he's just enabling my DH and is using him as a drinking lunchtime buddy.

He gambled about 12 months ago and told me straight away. He swears he hasn't done since.

He smokes more when he's stressed, I dont understand the addiction because I've never smoked and yes it's expensive and causes more problems.

I'm banging my head against a brick wall. He's not a shit, he treats me etc but he is totally crap with money.

Jan45 Mon 03-Feb-14 16:45:14

The fact he is so bad with money, and I mean atrociously bad would make me think he was a shit person.

Also, he's happy to leave you with nothing and help others, and you're the one who has stood by him and is still standing by his side.

I don't he actually is taking any responsibility for what he has done and is doing.

I could possibly understand the smoking as it's very hard to give up, has he changed from cigs to rolling tobacco, it's much cheaper.

As for the drinking, that's just inexcusable.

Guiltypleasures001 Mon 03-Feb-14 16:51:04

Hi coffee he owes his mates and family money not you lovely.
So let him sort them out better still let him go and move on you deserve better.

Sweet kind best mate? I can't see it somehow he's taking you for a mug and more, please stop enabling him and let him stand on his own two feet, because he's trampling on yours. thanks

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 03-Feb-14 16:56:12

He's the sweetest, kindest, most loving, warm-hearted person who is my best friend as well as my husband

What is "sweet" or "kind" about pushing his family into poverty so he can gamble, drink and smoke?


The very definition of kindness precludes that kind of selfish, destructive behaviour.

You really need to find a best friend who actually has your best interests at heart.

This man will ruin you.

I sincerely hope there are no children in the middle of this shite.

knowledgeispower Mon 03-Feb-14 17:04:43

This is really tough, has he replaced one addiction with another?

I really feel for you, its a betrayal of your trust.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Mon 03-Feb-14 17:05:12

Don't release any money to pay them back!

They will stop lending him money, they will be out of pocket, they will blame him and he will have to deal with the hell that will be them furious. Perhaps if he has to face ex friends he owes money to and who hate him, he might actually seriously and genuinely attempt real change.

Perhaps they will stop lending him money once it bites them in the arse because you don't step in, which is what they as much as he know you will do.

He does not CARE about you, about what he's doing to you, about his family, anything, anywhere close to as much as he cares about himself.

If you can't see that, then nothing is going to change.

He borrows off people with no way of paying them back - then comes to you with the sob story and you sort it out. So he does it knowing you will stump up the cash!

He does exactly what he wants to and knows you will always bail him out.

He might not change but you sure as hell can.

expatinscotland Mon 03-Feb-14 17:07:06

He is not crap with money. He is a compulsive gambler. He is an addict.

EirikurNoromaour Mon 03-Feb-14 17:10:08

You are enabling him. You need to cut him off from the family finances and let him dig himself out of his personal debts, or not. While you continue to enable him he will never hit rock bottom Nd never address it.

Inertia Mon 03-Feb-14 17:16:25

He needs to start facing the consequences of his actions then . He either stops drinking or smoking to pay off his debts using his personal allowance. Don't bail out his debts to friends- he needs to learn that if he borrows money he has to pay it back, and his friends need to learn to stop lending it.

He doesn't consider you his best friend. You come way down the list, way after drinking buddies - in fact he clearly cares far more for drinking, smoking and gambling than for you- and he's getting upset and can't cope because his personal banking support service is starting to look a bit less freely available.

Dressingdown1 Mon 03-Feb-14 17:18:46

This happened to a friend of mine. She has put up with it for years, they had to downsize and sell their lovely biggish house in a pretty village and move to a tiny flat. She works all the hours as a cleaner and does night shifts too, while he tries to make a living from gambling!

The problem is that she has enabled his behaviour so he has had no incentive to change. It is so sad to see her struggling on while her 'd'h sits around and spends the family money on his addiction.

sykadelic Mon 03-Feb-14 17:23:57

He IS being a shit. You're being financially manipulated. He spends the money because he knows that once he tells you about it you'll cave and pay his debts.

Just because he's lovely most of the rest of the time doesn't mean you aren't being manipulated and abused.

Don't you think that if he REALLY loved you he'd do his best to stop putting you through this stress? He has no way to pay the friends back and knows that eventually you will. He knows that all he needs to do is stop doing what he's doing but he enjoys it and he's not being made to face the consequences.

If you stop enabling him by stopping paying his bills he will only get you further and further into debt because he'll expect that at some point it will get too much for you and you'll just pay it off or help him out with it. He's a child and he needs to grow up and you've tried for 2 years... you've given him and his situation a good try. You didn't leave at the first sign of trouble but he's failing to appreciate how this affects you. Stress is incredibly unhealthy.

Not only does he not care about your feelings (him saying he does and then continuing with the behaviour shows he doesn't actually), he doesn't care that he's probably driving you to an early grave with all the stress. You have no respect for him as a man to support his family. You have no trust that he'll do the right thing for his family. I'm sure he's a great guy, but he's a shitty husband.

Your only choice honestly is to leave. Show him you're serious about having respect for yourself.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 03-Feb-14 17:25:50

You have and continue to play a role here. You are his enabler and you have continued to enable him. What you have done and continue to do has not worked and will not work either.

He is basically dragging you down with him. He will destroy and credit rating you have along with any financial security that there is left in your home and or bank account. It will all go.

No, he is not sweet and kind at all. I think you need to rethink that re him.

When are you going to actually call a halt to this madness; he will bankrupt you and take you down with him. GA has not helped and you cannot help anyone who does not want to be rescued and saved. He has never wanted your support; you're the last person who can help him because you are too close to the situation to be of any real use to him.

The only way you will ultimately free yourself from the hole you have partially dug for yourself is to divorce him.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 03-Feb-14 17:28:52

Infact what he is doing now is effectively dragging you down with him.

Is this really what you wanted from life?. A gambler for a husband?. He will destroy you emotionally and financially in the end; there will be no money left.

I have never seen a poor bookie.

I was wondering what you yourself learnt about relationships when growing up too.

1974rach Mon 03-Feb-14 18:07:01

I have to agree that he is being a shit.

My stbxp used me like a cash point (and I was a stb for letting him - whole other thread though) he gambled and drank and smoked but he was everyone's pal and buddy.

He borrowed money left right and centre and contributed in a major way to my current financial state.

He needs to grow up and deal with his problem. Unfortunately, by giving him money you're compounding the problem. The other problem is that unless he is prepared to change you need to be ready to be the bad guy.

Disassociate from him financially. Put yourself first. He needs to hit rock bottom.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 03-Feb-14 18:08:46

Even if he hits rock bottom he may still choose to gamble afterwards; its not necessarily a turning point always.

You can only help your own self here; what you are doing is not working at all and is basically prolonging the agonies for all concerned.

sleepyhead Mon 03-Feb-14 18:15:21

I doubt this is a salvageable relationship to be honest. Gambling is utterly insidious and it doesn't sound like GA has helped.

In the short term you can tell him (and stick to it) that you will not release a penny of family money above his allowance to him. Any debts will have to be paid from that, and if family and friends want to continue to lend that's their lookout.

Do not underwrite his debts. The sooner his "friends" realise what a poor risk he is, the sooner they'll stop lending him money. Of course they'll lend when they know you'll bail him out.

As I say, I don't think this will really help the relationship long term, but it'll help your family finances.

LIZS Mon 03-Feb-14 18:15:32

I'm banging my head against a brick wall. He's not a shit, he treats me etc but he is totally crap with money. He's the sweetest, kindest, most loving, warm-hearted person who is my best friend as well as my husband
He's not crap with money - that would be someone who consciously or unconsciously cannot account for his spending . He knows where it goes , on gambling , cigarettes, drink and ? , but has a complete disregard for the consequences . Allowing you "control" is still on his terms and treating you keeps you sweet enough to bail him out each time and forgive. Don't mistake his manipulation for caring for you.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Mon 03-Feb-14 18:20:58

8He's the sweetest, kindest, most loving, warm-hearted person who is my best friend as well as my husband* - No he isn't, he's a liar, a user, a man who can see exactly how much you are suffering by his actions and doesn't give a damn fuck.

I know I should leave him to get on with it Yes. Nothing will change. Not after GA, families knowing, sanctions. He won't stop. The ONLY thing that will stop the cycle is you not being part of it.

I can't accept the lies. Not after everything we've been though. Then the only way is to leave him, otherwise you are acepting the lies, and it will destroy you.

I am so sorry but honestly, there is NO other way through this and the options are either walk away or have your life and that of any children destroyed right alongside his.

Clutterbugsmum Mon 03-Feb-14 18:46:38

Why can't you talk to people about. If you don't because you don't wan't others to know then you are helping him gamble.

If people around you know he has an problem gambling then they are less likely to give him money.

teaandthorazine Mon 03-Feb-14 19:00:03

He's not 'useless with money'. Useless with money is 'shit, I'm into my overdraft by the 10th of the month, where the hell did it all go?' It's not lying and staying out drinking and smoking and gambling and leaving his family short and putting you through misery, over and over again.

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