Currently at my wits' end; exhausted and not sure of the way forward.
Have been married to husband for nearly 10 years and we have two daughters 8 and 6. I am at the stage where I cannot deal with my husband's passive nature regarding every matter in our lives, or take on yet more responsibility. However much I talk to him about how I'm feeling, and how I feel he needs to step up 'to the plate' as a husband and father nothing changes.
The thing is I feel as though I have married a wife rather than a husband - and a 1950s one at that. While my husband is good with the children, cooks, and does the shopping every now and then he does absolutely nothing regarding any other aspect of our family: managing the finances, planning the future, organising the children and the home, ensuring that things get fixed and sorted (and I'm not talking DIY -rather every day to day issue).
Basically he just does not initiate or take responsibility for anything - which of course means it all falls in my lap. One indicator is that he does not have one single household bill in his name, and has absolutely no idea about any of the household expenditure (or even how much we owe on the mortgage). He doesn't even open the post from the building society when it arrives - as he knows I will deal with it, file it, action it. We recently were in the process of moving - and I had to deal with every single aspect of the mortgage, solicitors, estate agent etc etc. It got so stressful that I made the decision to pull out (the new house also needed lots of work and I just knew that he would not initiate or oversee any of that). I have to manage everything - as he just does not know how, to or want, to take charge.
I have tried to encourage him to take responsibility. We need a new sink in the bathroom - yet 6 weeks on, he still has not sorted a replacement. It's painful - as I know I could have sorted it within a couple of hours - a few phone calls, and an order.
We both work full time, yet I feel resentful as he gets to do all the 'nice' stuff with the girls, while my time out of work is dealing with 'life' stuff that needs sorting.
His passiveness is driving me to distraction. Had it not be for me we would not have ever bought a house, or even had children, as he initiates nothing in our lives - aside from taking the girls for a cycle ride at the weekend.
I am just exhausted. Yet whenever I bring up the subject he goes on the defensive and says he feels attacked. He just can't see how draining it is for me to take on board all the big stuff.
I have thought about divorce as our relationship just plods along and is wrong in so many other areas (he also shows no love or affection, and only takes me out for a treat on my birthday once a year - and we haven't had sex for 5 years) - yet I would even have to initiate and manage that whole separation process, as I can't even imagine him filling out a form, let alone seeing the process through from his side. And even counselling doesn't appeal - as I would have to organise that and do all the work. I also worry that my daughters are witnessing a dysfunctional family - where the husband does nothing except the nurturing.
I just feel empty, drained, and hacked off. I so want to be take care of.
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Relationships
Passive Husband
Elmia · 03/02/2014 10:19
poor you. I fell in to that passive role in my old relationship but I left in the end, it was all a bit 'doll's house' with a bit of abuse thrown in. But it sounds like you are encouraging your h to deal with things.
I think you need to delegate. Put some bills in to his name and tell him it's his job to deal with x and y from now on.
looking back, I wanted more responsibility but I didn't want to be overwhelmed suddenly, as I was scared of failing.
Delegate slowly. One new responsibility every few months. Rome wasn't built in a day and he sounds like a decent guy.
You know, what you say about your h not having had a father around when he grew up makes me think hard. My son watches me do everything, assemble furniture, climb up ladders to readjust the dish at the back of the house, change fuses etc............. 
interesting to think that he may grow up thinking that all household responsibilities are female ones ! you've given me food for thought here.
My OH managed to do his car tax online by himself the other day, that was an achievement!
Actually not technically true as I helped him find his V5 documents, crazy crazy!
oh I missed that!
You've become his mother. He is back in his childhood where a woman (his mother/ you / whoever) does everything for him
Is his passivity a very passive form of rebellion?
I'm sorry you feel so bad. 
FWIW, I divorced my XH who had strong tendencies like this. Lovely, lovely guy but I decided I wanted a partner, not a surrogate child. IMO you probably won't be able to change him. People rarely change, and those who do tend to do so only when they want to, not because someone else forces them too.
you could try reading Wifework - although your relationship is something of a role reversal in practical/finance terms, what she has to say on "listening" and "organising" your day-to-day lives will really resonate with you I think. That will hopefully help you to find a way to express how you feel to your DH in a way that he can understand without getting defensive about.
Ultimately, however, I think you may have to be prepared to threaten to leave if he doesn't pull up his socks, which of course means being prepared to make good on your ultimatum.
Either that, or you accept this is the way it is for evermore.
Good luck with finding a solution you can live with. 
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ps Why don't you want to get divorced?
Do you prioritise appearing to be happy over actually being happy?
You sound so capable, you can't possibly think you won't cope as a single parent! you work, so it might be a rough patch, but you'll get through it!
So, seriously, why don't you want to get divorced people have such a knee-jerk aversion to divorce as though it were the worst of all evils. NO, staying in a dysfunctional relationship, doing everything, with NO voice, that is worse.
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