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AIBU with my Mother

(10 Posts)
whatsinaname01 Mon 03-Feb-14 09:37:43

AIBU with my Mother.
Went to see her at the weekend ( first time since June) and it's a 2 1/2 hr drive up ( 5hr round trip in a day)
I'd been in the house 5 mins when she looks me up and down and says,
"What have you done to your hair, it looks horrendous"
I felt quite hurt by this comment and tried to defend myself before walking out the kitchen.
I felt like getting in the car and driving home but had travelled up with dh and dc, also not fair on my Father.
Spent the day trying to be nice but inwardly seething.
It's now a few days later and still feel really hurt/cross and don't want to talk to her - so AIBU?

TeenyW123 Mon 03-Feb-14 09:47:46

Say "Do you mean to be so rude you fat cow?"

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 03-Feb-14 10:21:47

No, you are not being unreasonable.

My guess is that she has always been critical as well of you and it is not your fault she is like this. Did your children hear her say that to you?. What do they think of their nan being so critical?.

I guess too that to date your mother has not apologised nor even accepted any responsibility for her actions.

Honestly, if she cannot or will not behave then you and your family do not see her. A 2.5 hour trip to be insulted 5 minutes in, sod that. You would not have tolerated that from a friend, family are no different really. I would reassess your whole relationship with your mother, look closely at what she has been really like as a parent till now.

I would not let your Dad entirely off the hook either; he may well be a bystander to all this, a man who acts out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He presumably did not say anything to his wife in response to making such a comment to you.

BTW do you have siblings, if so what is she like with them?.

What you need to do is have proper boundaries in place re your mother as to what is and what is not acceptable from her. Saying, "did you mean to be so rude" at the time as a retort is just a temporary fix to a long term problem. It basically does not work other than that.

Also, you do not need your mother's approval any more.

whatsinaname01 Mon 03-Feb-14 10:42:08

I was in the kitchen with her and my dd ( 15yrs) when she said it. DH,DS and my Father were in a different room.
I'm an only child, that's why i'm trying to find out if it's me being unreasonable

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 03-Feb-14 10:54:38

No you're still not being at all unreasonable here. Saying what she did in front of your 15 year old too is shocking, what did your DD think of both her nan for saying it, as well as you for your own reaction?.

DIYapprentice Mon 03-Feb-14 10:59:33

'I beg your pardon?' with a hard, stony glare would have been my response to that sort of a comment.

And I would NOT have spent the day being nice to her either.

whatsinaname01 Mon 03-Feb-14 11:02:31

Dd felt really embarrassed,she doesn't like confrontation. I have to talk the kids into going in the first place.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 03-Feb-14 11:05:55

Not surprised really given your own mother's rotten behaviour towards you and they likely do not like her at all. Am I right in thinking that your mother has always been critical of you?.

whatsinaname01 Tue 04-Feb-14 08:47:35

Thank you for the posts.

Ladyflower Tue 04-Feb-14 12:45:30

My mum is exactly like this, so you have my sympathies. She can manage to be polite for the first 5 minutes of a visit and then the criticism starts..... Have you put on weight? I wouldn't have hung that mirror there! Well the curtains aren't exactly my taste but whatever you want.... Etc etc.
I finally learnt to deal with it after many years of being upset and even a period of NC. Now I realise that it is her problem and she is just rude and incapable of having an adult-adult relationship with me. She would never dream of saying such things to her friends.
I have got to the point where I actually feel sorry for her and that was a real revelation! Hope that helps! I have also grown a backbone and will now say things like "that's quite a rude comment, would you say things like that to your friends?"

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