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DH suddenly not sure about trying for a baby...(10 Posts)
I'm feeling really down and need some advice.
DH and I married last spring and started trying for a baby. I fell pregnant in July, but unfortunately we chose to terminate in early November due to chromosomal abnormality. This was mostly DH's choice, which I chose to go along with after a lot of thought, and whilst I feel it was the right decision, I have been quite depressed and very keen to get pregnant again since.
The trouble is that he has been very lukewarm about conceiving again, and whilst we've been trying, it's been me driving it. My period arrived today, and he very much shrugged it off, not seeming particularly upset about it.
I confronted him about his feelings, and he said that he does want a baby, but has mixed feelings about it, firstly because apparently I was a nightmare whilst I was pregnant (I may have been tired and moody, but hardly the devil incarnate) and he's not excited about that happening again, and secondly because he is not renewing his contract with work in July and is retraining in a new career (self taught from home), and feels like having a baby will add more pressure.
I feel that this is very unfair, as we decided to try for a family before we agreed that he could go for this change of career, and I only agreed to it if it didn't mean putting off TTC. I have been hugely supportive of his career change plan, and to be honest I feel betrayed that he is now using as an excuse!
I can't make him want to try if he doesn't, but I guess it's making me question his commitment. Is this just normal man wobbles, or something more serious? I just want us to both to be happy.
It might be unfair but he is entitled to change his mind, it's a big commitment so has to be right for both of you. Just keep a dialogue open and who knows he may come back around to the idea, he's most probably scared from the last experience and though your way was to try and conceive again asap the idea is obviously kicking up mixed emotions in him. Give it time OP.
I have to say, if he is retraining in a new career and self teaching from home, this sounds as finances will be tighter than they have been. He may be frightened that another baby may suffer the same abnormality. He says you were a nightmare while pregnant, you admit you were tired and moody.
All of those seem understandable reasons for wanting to wait a while longer, or cold feet, or general apprehension.
He is as entitled to his feelings and to change his mind as you would be.
I'd be interested to know how old you both are, OP, and how long you have been together.
Mixed feelings is not the same as 'no', or is he now using contraception?
My first reaction is how dreadfully hard it must be for you both as the termination is so recent and that bereavement could so easily take all the excitement out. So that could be part of an understandable wobble.
We're you referred for genetic counselling about the chromosomal issues?
Thanks for responding.
I know that he's entitled to his opinion, but I guess I just feel like there's always something stopping us moving forward.
To give a bit of context, we've been together nearly ten years, living together for 8 years, and I'm 32. The impetus for our finally getting married was because we wanted to start a family, and he's not saying he doesn't want children, he's just saying he does see the urgency. We want two kids though, and after nearly a year of trying we're no nearer and it can only get harder!
Anyway. We chatted a bit more, and he doesn't want to stop trying, he just can't feel very enthusiastic about it... I can't tell him how to feel, but it's not ideal, surely we have to be in it together to make it work? I dunno. I'm sure if we do get pregnant, he'll be excited, but I just don't think he wants to get his hopes up because of the disappointment last time... I've promised to try not to be a moody nightmare at least!!
If he doesn't see the urgency then he needs to read up on female biology!
It sounds like he has no idea about women's fertility.
The problem is if he's not enthusiastic now you have no guarantee that he will become so after the birth. And if he thought you were cranky when you were pregnant, how will he cope when you're BF and sleep deprived?
Well it sounds like you've both had a pretty rough time. I've a degree of sympathy with your husband (I find it easier to relate being a man) but it sounds like you've managed to resolve the issue. Please don't underestimate the pressure he'll be putting himself under to provide for the family. This is made harder when you're starting out again in terms of career.
My wife and I found ourselves in a not dissimilar position. We'd agreed that we'd have three or four children; however, after a couple of MCs and the everyday stress that goes with raising two children, we sort of left it at that. We then really struggled as a couple (tbh I struggled with a perceived lack of intimacy) which culminated in me leaving temporarily and becoming MN public enemy number one. Anyway, my wife then decided that she would like another child (she had been hinting from time to time but I felt the relationship wasn't right so resisted) and we agreed that we would. I was/am definitely the more reluctant (though still willing) but was happy to proceed because at 33/34 she's not getting any younger. And at 35, I'm certainly not! She's now 21 weeks pregnant and I'm becoming more excited (though a little more aprehensive) by the day. Good luck!
Lastly, I remember - following the MCs - my wife being quite keen to saddle-up and go again. She was hurting, but determined. Given what we'd been though, I was reluctant to jump straight back in, and she felt that I was backing out - which I wasn't. I was just scared that she'd have to go through it all again.
Has he actually come to terms with the termination, OP?
Do you think he's scared OP? I had a mc a few months go and although I'm pregnant again, thinking something might be wrong again was terrifying. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to TTC for a while. I wonder if he's worried something might go wrong or even if he's still coming to terms with the termination.
As for been moody, well that's pregnancy, wait til you're both knackered with a newborn. It's no good him being funny towards you about that.
Does he realise fertility declines with age? I had my first age 33 and it was a worry even then.
I think scared probably sums it up. He's scared of us losing another baby, he's scared of not succeeding in his new career, and he may be a little scared of his hormonal and emotional wife
He does suffer with anxiety issues, and tends to bottle stuff up, so it's hard to get him to talk about this stuff, but I think now I've calmed down I'm feeling a lot more understanding, and I think I just to keep reassuring him.
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